When it comes to cultural messages about money, one of the most persistent (and most destructive, in my opinion) is that we just aren’t supposed to talk about it. In a culture where it seems like we talk about everything from politics to our sex lives, personal finances are still considered deeply private. This is even within the context of families, with one survey finding that over 40% of married people don’t even tell their spouse what their salary is!
When my husband and I got together, we both brought financial baggage to the relationship. We’d both grown up in households that struggled financially and we each had more than our fair share of student loans and credit card debt as adults. Partially because I was in the process of digging myself out of over $50,000 worth of debt (thanks, college!) and partially because he’d been married before and was committed to making sure he met his obligations in terms of child support, we decided very early on that we were going to talk openly about money stuff. By the time we’d been together for a few months, we’d exchanged credit scores, shared our monthly salaries, and talked about the reality of my credit card debt.
In the first years of our marriage, we worked hard to get our financial life merged and in order. We always knew each other’s salaries, we tracked all of our expenses, and we made a deal that we’d always check in with the other person on any purchases over $50. I balanced grad school, a full-time job, and a second job on the weekends and soon we’d paid off his student loans. By the time our son was born, we were free from credit card debt, too.
When our kids were little, financial transparency was pretty easy. I made sure to pay the bills and balance the checkbook when they were awake and around so they could see me doing it and hear me give updates to my husband about any unexpected bills. We taught them the basics of money and gave them piggy banks so they could start saving up for the Lego set or toy they really wanted. We talked about how everything had a cost and that sometimes we have to say "no" to some things so we could say "yes" to others. It was easy to answer their questions. At least at first.
As they’ve grown, their questions about money have gotten more complex and more personal.
Kids are naturally curious and once they know finances are a thing they are allowed to talk about, it doesn’t take too long for them to get real personal! When I got a new job, my son’s first question was, “How much does it pay?” When I told my husband that I wanted to take some money out of savings to finish paying off my student loans, both kids asked about how much we had in savings.
Both kids already knew how much I owed in student loans, and have both asked how much I have in retirement savings, how much our mortgage costs, how much our cars cost, how to do taxes, why we have taxes… the list goes on and on! So far, the only question I’ve refused to answer is how much money I’m planning to spend on Christmas presents next year. I may be financially transparent, but that doesn’t mean that Santa has to be!
The truth is that being financially transparent with your kids WILL result in some awkward moments.
While we’ve told the kids that different families have different values when it comes to talking about money, they’ve both definitely overshared along the way. Did our neighbors need to know how big our tax refund was and that we were going to use it to fund a trip to Costa Rica? Probably not. Do I think at least one of our kids has shared my salary and past student loan debt with their friends? Absolutely.
But even if I might not think that a room full of third graders should know that I finally paid off my student loans, I still have no regrets about talking honestly with my kids about money
When it comes to money, knowledge is power.
Ultimately, I want my kids to grow up knowing all of the things that I didn’t about money. I want them to know about the power of compound interest for good when it comes to investing and for bad when it comes to credit card debt. I want them to understand that how you spend money should reflect your values, which is why we drive 10-year-old cars but go on fun trips. I want them to know that staying silent about things like salaries and student loans only benefits people who are already wealthy.
When it comes to money, shame is destructive.
Growing up without money and then having the burden of credit card debt from living beyond my means and trying to keep up with my wealthier friends means I’m quite familiar with feeling financial shame. Shame and secrecy go hand-in-hand and it is so easy to assume that everyone else has money stuff figured out.
It can be hard to ask for help learning about what keeps rich people rich and why being poor can be such a hard cycle to break. I don’t ever want my kids to feel intimidated about money and the best way to make sure they grow up to be financially secure adults is to be fully transparent now, even if that will inevitably led to some awkward moments. I’ll take awkward over intimidated any day though, and I think my kids will, too.
