As I'm sure you've noticed, celebrities are HERE to talk about their body hair in The Year of Our Lord 2018. Armpits. Legs. Pubic hair. The stigma surrounding hairiness is slowly but surely being erased.
And as you read about celebrity groins, odds are you've noticed a particular grooming product mentioned along with it. Fur Oil, to be precise — a luxury conditioning and softening oil specially designed for only the fanciest pubic hair.
Khloé Kardashian reportedly loves Fur Oil. So does Emma Watson. And if a product is good enough for the labial areas of Khlo-money and Hermione, is it not good enough for me?
So I decided to give oiling my pubic hair a try in an effort to become a more chic human being.
This is Fur Oil — likely the fanciest stuff you'll ever put on your crotch.
Fur Oil ($48, Amazon) is, per the description on the back of the box, “specially designed for pubic hair and skin… this unique blend of lightweight oils softens hairs and clears pores for fewer ingrown and healthier skin over time.” It’s also “ideal for places where you have both skin and hair, e.g. beards, eyebrows, chest, underarms, and legs.” Additional claims include this product being both dermatologically and gynecologically tested, so these oils are safe for skin and for the bathing suit area.
And truly, Fur Oil is nothing BUT oils — the ingredients listed contain no fewer than nine different oils, including jojoba, peppermint, lemon peel AND lemongrass, and tea tree.
All of these oils combine to make a pubic hair treatment that has a thin, nearly watery consistency.
I was expecting it to be thicker, like most luxury oils generally are, but no. It comes out of the dropper with a quickness, and seems clear — which is not the way it looks in the bottle.
But that's not the problem. The BIG problem with Fur Oil is the smell.
Remember how I made a big fuss about the ingredient list? Did you read that and wonder, Hmm, OK, but those oils all have very particular smells… wonder what that’s like all together?
Friends, it is not good.
This oil has an ASTONISHINGLY powerful smell — something between abrasive lemon floor cleaner and candy going bad. For all the natural ingredients, it is chemical in its power and unpleasantness. If you are sensitive to smells, like I am, this will give you a headache… even if you only put it on your nethers.
But slather it atop my nethers I did — once I got past the weirdly vague application instructions.
The product instructions say to “apply liberally” to clean pubic hair and skin. First: liberally? What exactly does that mean? Three drops? A handful? What? My labial area is not cool with this being an inexact science!
I settled on putting four drops on my pubic hair and the skin surrounding it; I do get red bumps on my bikini line, so I thought maybe this would help. I also tried it on my legs, even though I shave, and my arms.
The packaging says that this oil is residue-free, and that the scent “disappears in minutes.” The lie-detector determined that was a lie.
REAL TALK, EVERYONE. My crotch hair was a straight up oily, greasy mess all day. The underwear I had on STILL smells like Fur Oil, and I’ve washed them twice. I could smell the oil THROUGH MY CLOTHES, and it bothered me all day. I have absolutely no idea if this oil really does clear pores and prevent ingrown hairs — trying it once was enough for me.
Wearing it on my legs and arms was the same sticky, overly-scented story.
My skin was very shiny, which is perhaps what you’d expect from rubbing oil all over yourself. But again, Fur Oil was 100% NOT “residue-free,” and the smell did not disappear. My arms and legs were greasy, sticky, shiny, and smelling like floor cleaner all day. I don't care how soft it supposedly makes your skin with prolonged use — one day of Fur Oil was more than enough for me.
Finally, I took a leaf out of Emma Watson’s book and tried Fur Oil in my brows. She has great eyebrows, right? Surely she wouldn’t do anything to harm those fluffy, perfectly arched moneymakers?
WELL.
As I experienced everywhere else on my body, even a small amount of Fur Oil brushed through the ol’ eyebrows had two major effects: It made my brows greasy, and there was a strong smell. Neither is what you want when it comes to perfect eyebrows.
But there was one unexpected side effect: because this oil does not absorb or evaporate in any way, some got on my eyelashes and was then blinked into my left eye.
It hurt. My eye went red. I had to take out my contacts. It was a fun, sexy time.
This is why I tell you all to be careful putting shit near your eyes that is not specifically eye safe! The instructions on Fur Oil’s packaging may *tell* you that it can be brushed through your eyebrows, but it is not exactly world’s best idea.
Overall, much like my comically oversized shrugging game, my luxury pube oil experience was awkward and bad.
If you have a lot of disposable income and don't mind strong smells, Fur Oil could be for you!
Me, I'm going to go back to my heathenish ways — un-oiled pubic hair and all.
