Grief isn’t an easy journey to navigate. It’s complicated, and sometimes making the best decisions isn’t possible while under that cloud. It’s made easier when we have family and friends to support us as we try to make sense of our new normal.
One woman (OP) is grieving the surprising loss of her sister and has been helping out her late sister’s husband — her brother-in-law. Unfortunately, something unexpected recently came up, and OP isn’t sure if she reacted in the best way.
She decided to get some advice about the situation.
Posting to Reddit’s AITA community, OP jumped into the issue with a little bit of backstory first.
“My f30 sister f35 passed away 2 months ago,” she explained. “She has 2 kids (3&5) and I help take care of them by either visiting BIL's house or have them come over to mine."
A few days ago, she was caring for the kids.
“Days ago, BIL left the kids with me for the day then called in the evening asking if I could have them stay with me for the night,” she wrote. “I of course agreed. the kids and I fell asleep while we were reading a story and then at 1am. I woke up to some noise.”
The noise she heard was her BIL.
“I opened my eyes and saw my BIL slowly climbing in bed,” she wrote. “I freaked out asking what he was doing.”
According to OP, her BIL tried to “calm me down,” and then because his kids were in the bed, he wanted to “join” them.
“This did not sit right with me … I was confused I asked how he thought this was an appropriate thing to do,” OP added. “He again said that his kids were there so he didn't think I'd mind him being with them.”
It’s probably not surprising to hear that she was upset about her BIL getting into bed with her.
“I felt extremely uncomfortable I got up and asked him to please leave,” she explained. But he refused. “He objected saying ‘I can't keep him away from his kids.’”
OP explained that she could have the kids join him – but he needed to get out first.
“He eventually walked out,” she recalled. And then he took the kids home, but not before calling her "unnecessarily cruel" and "rude."
The next day, she couldn’t talk to the kids because her brother-in-law was 'still upset.'
“Next day I tried to call to check on the kids but he was still upset,” OP explained. He said she couldn’t because “they were asleep after I interrupted their sleep by refusing to let him join us in bed.”
She didn’t feel like the conversation went well at all.
“I hung up and felt so many things all at once,” she admitted. “I told my mom and she said I had to apologize for how I behaved towards my grieving BIL.”
After sharing what happened, OP turned it over to Reddit to ask if she was wrong for saying 'No.'
“Absolutely-effing-not,” one person replied. “That man is trying to slide right into bed as if you are his dead wife/your sister and he doesn’t see a problem with that. That is not a mistake, that was a tactical move to see how far he could push your boundaries and see how much you’ll allow during a vulnerable time (half asleep).”
“Grief makes people do strange things,” someone else shared. “But the second you said no it should have been respected. This is extremely creepy.”
“Just because his kids are on your bed (which you consented to), he shouldn't have got on the bed (without your consent) since you're on it and that too, asleep. The fact that he said 'can't keep him away from the kids' and called you 'rude' and 'cruel,' and blamed you the next day for not letting him on the bed gives you all the answers you need," someone else wrote.
"That’s grossly inappropriate," another person chimed in. "Although I feel like he’s subconsciously treating you as a replacement mum for his kids and by extension a wife to him."
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