Having a friend or family member who just received a breast cancer diagnosis can seem daunting. It may be unclear how it affects the relationship you have with that person.
It’s been shown that emotional support can help people with cancer develop a more positive view and adjust to changes better. Your encouragement, help, and presence can make a positive impact on their quality of life.
Although everyone experiences a cancer diagnosis differently, here are some tips to help you support friends or family members in a meaningful way.
Be Open & Honest
You might be feeling uncomfortable or uncertain about how to interact with your friend or family member. In addition, you might be worried that you will say the wrong thing or offend the person unintentionally. The best thing to do is to be open and honest.
Share with your friend that you’re feeling awkward or afraid. Telling them how you feel helps ease the tension by recognizing the situation you’re in. The more you avoid or pretend nothing has changed, the more uncomfortable it will be.
Offer to give them a hug or to hold their hand. Depending on the relationship you have with them and the state they are in, you can share a joke if it seems appropriate.
Listen & Connect Respectfully
Not everyone wants to be supported in the same way. Ask them how they’d like to be supported and if they’d be willing to take suggestions.
If they’re open to suggestions, share with them the types of support you think would be helpful but let them take the lead. Let them know you are there for them if they want to chat or need help in any way.
Be mindful of their emotional state. They may be experiencing a wide range of emotions at this time. Some might not want to talk about their cancer or be reminded of their situation every time they see you. Don’t take this personally. It’s not about you. If they want, feel free to talk about simple, everyday things. It’s important to respect their privacy.
Others may want to talk about it and share their experience with you. Use your whole body to listen to their thoughts and feelings. Don’t interrupt or try to answer their questions if they’re merely sharing. Embrace quiet time and don’t feel you need to say anything if there is silence.
If they cry, let them know it’s OK and that’s it normal to feel sad and to respond this way. Don’t try to make them feel better when they’re crying. It invalidates their emotions.
Offer To Help Run Errands
Some people may need support with practical things. From their diagnosis to the beginning and end of their treatment, they may need help taking care of their home and/or running errands.
Some may want to do things themselves and maintain their independence. If they refuse your offer of help, don’t be offended or take it personally, but let them know your offer stands if they change their mind.
Some ideas include:
- Bring meals that can be stored in the freezer and reheated on a different day.
- Help mow the lawn, maintain their garden, or water their plants.
- Offer to clean, iron, vacuum, take out the garbage, load/unload the dishwasher and/or do laundry.
- Help them with grocery shopping.
- Drive them to their medical appointments.
- Offer to watch their kids during their appointments.
- Take their kids to and from school and/or activities.
- Offer to walk their dog or pet-sit.
Avoid Doing These Things
Receiving a breast cancer diagnosis is emotionally and mentally challenging. It’s important to be sensitive to how they’re feeling.
- Do not judge them by making assumptions about their lifestyle and asking inappropriate questions like, “Does it run in the women of your family?” “Is it because you’re a smoker?” or “Why did this happen?”
- Do not offer unsolicited advice. If they want your advice, they will ask.
- Do not tell them to stay positive or be strong. It minimizes their feelings. It’s telling them they’re not allowed to feel negative, sad or unhappy.
- Do not project your worries and fears onto them by sharing traumatic stories or talking about what-if scenarios.
- Do not talk about the latest treatment research you’ve read about breast cancer.
- Don’t show up at their home without asking to visit first.
- Do not compare their experiences with what you’ve read on social media, on the news or heard from other friends and family members.
- Do not try to relate to what they're going through by telling them you know how they feel. No one knows exactly how they’re feeling except for them. Every person with cancer has a unique experience.
