TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains information about stillbirth and infant loss, which may be triggering to some.
Miscarriages and stillbirths can be incredibly difficult to cope with. In the wake of such losses, some opt for memorial services as part of the grieving process. One Reddit user, however, recently vented about skipping a memorial service for her sister-in-law’s stillborn baby three years later – and now, her in-laws are upset.
The OP, aka the original poster, took to the Am I the A–hole subreddit to detail the situation. In the thread, OP explained that the SIL holds a memorial every year for her stillborn baby. The OP opted out of the event this year, only to face the wrath of the family as a result.
In March 2025, the Reddit user explained the situation.
In early March, the OP shared that the SIL had a stillbirth three years ago.
“We were so saddened & offered support,” the OP explained. “She has 3 living children before this.”
At a family gathering for Christmas before the one-year anniversary of the stillbirth, the OP and their family gave the SIL a Christmas card.
“A few moments later she then picked it back up, stated that she couldn’t display it unless her bab[y’s] name was included and proceeded to write their name in the card,” the OP explained. “I tried to put it to the back of my mind but honestly felt she could’ve taken the card home and wrote their name to save making me the example in front of the entire family.”
The OP noted that their family attended the first two memorials for the stillborn baby and “found them very difficult/awkward.”
“My sibling was stillborn and I grew up in a household that didn’t talk about it,” the OP wrote. “Whenever my siblings and I tried to ask questions about our stillborn sibling, our mother would shut us down.”
The OP detailed other ‘upsetting’ instances at family gatherings.
During other family gatherings, the SIL “makes excessive comments & social media posts that nothing feels right without her angel baby being there.”
“My other sister in law & I find it upsetting that she makes these comments as we cannot help that our children survived and one of hers didn’t,” the OP wrote. “She has three other healthy children to care for.”
At a different gathering, another concerning incident happened.
“She made a comment that her living children recently asked her who her favourite was & that she had responded that her angel baby was her favourite. The room went silent,” the OP recalled. “As a child who was repeatedly told with much venom, that I wouldn’t have been born had my sibling survived, that broke me.”
The OP skipped a recent memorial service for the SIL’s stillborn baby three years after the loss.
Recently, the SIL held another memorial for the third anniversary of her stillborn baby.
“Again, we were asked to attend a memorial (although this time she called it a birthday which struck me as odd) but we felt it was too much for us to go through again after attending the first two,” the OP explained. “We decided not to go but I chose to light a candle and wore my angel wings brooch for the week before and week after the passing date as a tribute.”
The SIL is now upset that they didn’t ‘make the effort’ to attend.
After skipping the memorial, the OP received a message from their mother-in-law saying the SIL was upset that they didn’t “make the effort” and demanded an apology.
“Whilst I appreciate she’s still grieving, she’s able to do that in her own way & if others choose to grieve differently then that’s ok too,” the OP reasoned. “I don’t believe you can dictate to others how to grieve nor can you have a monopoly on grief. Everyone is different & I respect that she wants to do a grand gesture each year but she needs to accept that not everyone wants to or feels comfortable being a part of it.”
The OP continued, “I feel like it’s not my direct loss to carry on grieving so openly. Yes, I feel sad as it’s a loss of life but at what point do we stop mentioning it all the time?”
In the comments, Reddit users agreed: The OP is not being a jerk.
Fellow Redditors overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a–hole in this situation.
One wrote, “Your SIL needs some serious help. The loss of a child in this way is extremely sad (I know first hand) and grieving is part of that. But three years? That is not healthy and is clearly damaging her other children and probably her marriage… Everyone needs to sit your SIL down and get her to seek the help she clearly needs.”
Another Reddit user echoed, “Sounds like your SIL needs professional help to process her grief. It’s fine if she wants to honor her baby every year but she needs to understand that not everyone feels the impact of her loss the same way. Also, it’s probably not your place to comment on it but what she said to her kids needs to be addressed because that’s not okay.”
“Your SiL told her children that her favourite child is the dead one. So how does one become the favourite child? By dying. That’s a great message to send to her kids,” yet another commenter pointed out.
“NTA, but someone needs to get your SiL into grief counseling and get her living children into therapy because that family has a lot to unpack,” the commenter added.
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