It's common belief that having a sister means having a built-in best friend for life, but that is not always the case. In our experience, best friends are just the flip side of mortal enemies. After all, we have to love someone to be able to hate them. According to some unwritten family law, we have to love our sisters — but that certainly doesn’t mean that we have to like them. The good thing about sisters is that no matter how much we fight and squabble, at the end of the day, she’s probably our No. 1 frenemy.
The Original Poster, or OP, loves her older sister so much that she has no problem giving her straight facts about a topic that is particularly touchy for the sister: infertility and starting a family. It might seem that OP should keep her opinions on such a personal subject to herself, but her big sis invited OP into the discussion. OP is so upset with everything that has transpired that she asked Reddit’s AITA community for guidance.
Not everything always goes according to plan, no matter how much we want it.
OP, who is 25, has an older sister, “Mary,” 28, who is married to “Jack,” 30, and the couple has been trying to start a family for the past three years with no luck. After meeting with their obstetrician last year, they were told Mary is infertile and that her body will never be able to conceive or carry a baby to term. The couple was devastated to hear the news because Mary had dreamed of becoming a mom since she was a little girl.
“Luckily, this has not hurt Mary and Jack’s relationship," OP shared in her post to Reddit. "They began looking into other options such as surrogacy and adoption. A big obstacle is their finances, though. Mary was able to go to college (our parents helped) and attended but later decided college wasn’t for her and left. Jack didn’t have that option and works at a grocery store. Mary is also employed at Wendy’s at the moment but lost several jobs in the past.”
Big sis demanded little sis be the surrogate as a "favor."
The couple’s annual income is less than $40,000 and their housing situation isn’t stable at the moment. Sadly, they’ve been denied by adoption agencies and can’t afford surrogacy via a traditional route.
According to OP, “Mary and Jack recently invited me to their home and asked if I would be willing to be a surrogate. They were unable to offer financial aid or even pre-natal care and hoped I’d do it as a favor.”
OP only weighs about 100 pounds. When their mother was pregnant, she had hard pregnancies and needed C-sections both times. Her pregnancy with OP was especially high-risk. Doctors didn’t expect OP or her mother to survive delivery. They survived, but OP now has reason to be scared to experience pregnancy at all — especially because she is even smaller and more frail than her mother was.
When she said no, her sister "shunned" her.
“I apologized but told them I wasn’t willing to be a surrogate. Jack was clearly disappointed but told me he understood. Mary became very angry. She started to scream at me saying that I was only declining because I was jealous and was rubbing it in her face that they didn’t make enough money for a professional surrogate," OP wrote.
"This came out of nowhere to m," she added. "She then demanded that I 'be a good sister' and help fund a professional surrogate. (My annual income is higher than Jack and Mary’s but I cannot afford a surrogate either.)”
She tried getting Mary to calm down, but Mary began accusing her of refusing out of jealousy and cruelty.
“I, as kindly yet firmly as possible, told her, 'Mary, I’m sorry you are unable to carry your child and it is not fair. You are allowed to be upset but it doesn’t mean you can act this way towards me," OP wrote. "The fact is that you and Jack need to wait until you are in a financially stable state to have children. You two are not in a position to be parents right now.' Emphasis on right now. Mary told me to leave and I obeyed,” OP confessed.
OP's family members have no problem with her refusing to be a surrogate, but everyone is upset with her for telling Mary she isn’t in a position to have a child. They think that by saying that to her, OP was just being hurtful and should not have taken it so far when Mary is already feeling so vulnerable.
OP maintains that she never meant to imply that Mary or Jack wouldn’t be good parents — only that they needed to be more financially stable before trying to start a family.
OP's frustration is perfectly understandable, but she's trying to do the logical thing for everyone involved.
OP is overwhelmed by the situation. She feels bad for her sister, but she isn’t willing to risk her own life for her sister’s yet-to-be-conceived child — especially when not only the risks but the costs are being pushed on her by her older sister. She took her concerns to Redditors to get advice.
“No one is entitled to a child; your sister is not entitled to your womb," one commenter wrote. "They act like victims and you’re supposed to make them whole. Even if they find a way to have a baby, they will have their hands out forever looking for help."
“I hate that people seem to think that having kids is a right to have, rather than a privilege," someone else commiserated. "It sucks someone can’t conceive biologically. But if you can’t afford other ways, then I’m sorry, you’re out of luck. That doesn’t mean you can get super upset at others for not wanting to ‘fix’ that issue for you.”
“I get that Mary is heartbroken over not being able to have kids, but her request was extremely selfish,” someone else wrote.
Lastly, a dad weighed in with this: “So my wife and I are going through fertility issues right now. Took us 15 months of aggressive trying to get pregnant the first time. Predominantly male factor, I think it's like 99% me (and testing bears this out). Which is ironic, I swim two miles a day and yet, my swimmers don't swim for s—. Sorry, tangent.
"You're not the asshole. Even close," he continued. "I have seen my wife be super depressed/sad (particularly when her sister gets pregnant like a week after trying once), and even angry. She gets mad at the world, life, and very much me at times (I've got big shoulders I can take it). She has never lashed out at anyone outside of our marriage, ever.
"Your sister put you in a VERY unfair position. What she should do is go look for employment with places that offer insurance with fertility benefits (many are starting to do that now)," he added. "These benefits also often include assistance with finding a surrogate (since she can't have them herself). Depending on what is needed, that's like a $20,000-$40,000 benefit). Just my two cents on having lived this a bit.”
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