Here's a fun fact about me: Random strangers often feel drawn to tell me about their personal lives. So it really wasn’t all that strange that I found myself talking to a couple that I didn’t know at a restaurant about how much their sex life had changed once they decided to have kids.
The wife told me, “I had heard my girlfriends say that it would be different … ” before her husband cut her off mid-sentence, saying, “Yeah, but not this damn different.”
As I asked them both to explain, the wife said what you might think she would — she didn’t have enough energy and never seemed to find enough time for sex after having kids. Meanwhile, the husband wasn’t happy about how sex seemed to have become quieter (more on that in a sec) and less spontaneous because his wife was either concerned about the kids hearing or scheduling sex solely around their children.
You know, I once read an article that said two of the main things that happen to a couple’s sex life after they have children is they have less sex and the quality of sex tanks. No shocker, right? Thing is, there are things that you can do to help make that less of a challenge in your own home.
So if you’re ready for your kids to stop running your sex life, here are some tips that can help you to get back to hanging from chandeliers again.
Keep the Bedroom Sacred
You’ve probably heard this before. Question is, do you actually apply it in your own home? Interior designers have been saying for years that adult bedrooms should be used for nothing other than sex and sleep. This means no electronics. This means not treating your bed as your nighttime office. This also means — gasp! — that you should keep your kids out of it as much as possible, too.
A friend of mine used to let her daughter sleep in the bed with her and her husband well until her child was in the second grade. Meanwhile, her husband was complaining about how little sex they were having. They’re divorced now. And yes, what I just said is a part of the reason because he felt that their daughter ended up running their entire lives. And no, it shouldn’t be that way.
Are there going to be times when your kids may need to sleep with you? Sure. But should that be the norm? Absolutely not. If you treat your bedroom like it’s sacred and (probably) the only room in your house that is just for you and your spouse, it will be easier to treat it as a spot for rest and intimacy.
Besides, your kids have their own room. By design.
Get Some WD-40 & a (New) Mattress Topper
Whenever some of my clients go on vacation, something that they say they really enjoyed was not having to engage in what I call “quiet as a mouse” sex. Even though sex is a beautiful and natural thing, who wants their kids hearing their bed squeaking for (hopefully) at least as long as couple of 30-minute sitcoms?
Something that you can do to avoid this is, if you happen to have a metal bed frame, keep some WD-40 near one of your nightstands to oil its joints from time to time. Oh, and you might want to invest in a new mattress topper. If it’s around time to get a new mattress (every seven to 10 years) but you don’t have the money to spend on one yet, a mattress topper can reduce some of the impact that causes your bed to squeak and squeal. Also, pull the bed away from the wall. Sometimes the banging comes from the frame running into it (yes, simple things can make a BIG impact sometimes).
Schedule Intimacy Time Before They Wake Up or After They Go to Bed
If there is a hill that I am prepared to die on, it’s that sex should be treated as a priority and even a responsibility in marriage. In fact, I tell single people often that having sex when you’re not in a long-term committed relationship can be a set-up because it’ll have you out here thinking that sex is only about pleasure and orgasms when it should be revered as something a little deeper than that.
Sex should also be about connecting with your partner in a way that no other act can do. The closeness that comes from sexual intimacy can help to strengthen the bond between two people and that’s why it should not be seen as merely “something to do” but “something that must be done."
That said, kids can make it hard to have sex on the kitchen floor, sure. But they don’t stay awake forever (even though, sometimes, it might feel that way). So, whether it’s before they get up or after they go to bed, try and schedule in some time for some kind of sex (you can read between the lines there, right?) at least once a week.
And please don’t say there is no time, because we make time for what is important to us. Now, if sex isn’t one of those things, please put that into the comment section and I’ll circle back to that issue in another article (promise).
Have More Quickies
Quickies are underrated. I don’t care what anyone says. Because while every sex session shouldn’t be 10 minutes or less, there is something to be said for two people knowing each other so well that they can give each other the “release” that they need to start their day, decrease stress, or finish their last few hours at work (when’s the last time you participated in some lunch break sex?).
Unfortunately, some couples will look up and realize that it’s been weeks — if not months — since they’ve had sex and the main reason is because they think that if it’s not “movie sex” that they shouldn’t have sex at all. LIES. LIES. LIES. Quickies can help to convey to your partner, “We might not have as much time as we want right now but I still desire you. Let me show you real quick.”
The reality is that a man can climax in around five minutes while it takes us (on average) 20 minutes. So, if both of you know how to hit each other’s spots, then you should be able to make that happen in oh, 15 minutes tops, right? And I promise you that your husband will not be complaining. (Just ask him!)
Shower Together
Speaking of quickies, when’s the last time that the two of you had sex in the bathroom? I’m bringing this up because my godchildren’s mom once did a video post (for a blog for single women who wanted to be married) about the things that she missed about being single. One of them included being able to use the bathroom by herself because her daughter, and sometimes even her husband, were constantly interrupting her in there.
As far as your bedroom goes, it’s going to be up to you to set some firm boundaries about when your kids can — and even should — hang out in there. But goodness, y’all, if there’s one place that should be off limits as much as possible, it should be when you’re in the bathroom! And if your children understand that, it’ll be easier for you and your hubby to “rub a few out” in there.
If you’re thinking, “I hear you, but shower sex has never been my favorite thing.” I’ve got you covered. Last year, on another platform, I actually penned a piece on that very topic. When you get a chance, check out, “So, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Better”. It might help you to become more of a fan than you’ve been in the past.
Invest in a Babysitter
The Knot once ran an article about how many dates a healthy marriage needs. “… the couples who had date nights once a month had the highest odds of staying together compared with the other groups,” the article stated. It went on to say that when people have kids, sometimes going out more than that can do more harm than good because you’ve got to plan the date, pay for the date, and find someone to watch the kids while you’re out on a date.
You already know the remedy for that last part — invest in a babysitter. I don’t mean someone who you find in a pinch at the last minute. I mean, someone who knows that you have a standing “appointment” that requires them being available on the same day (relatively speaking) and time.
Hey, folks hire folks to tutor their kids and tutors know that they have to be there (for example) every Tuesday and Thursday at 4 p.m. The same thing can go for a babysitter. You can even do a “babysitter swap” with some of your other friends (with kids), so that you both can get a day “off” without either of you having to shell out any cash (thank me later).
Turn Some of Those Dates Into Sex Dates
Now remember, this article is about coming up with ways to have more sex when you have children. This means that I’m going to be a strong advocate for hiring a babysitter, not just so you can go out for dinner and a movie. I need at least some of those dates to be sex dates — dates that are specifically designed for you to have sex with your partner.
I’m a huge fan of sex dates because they can get you excited about your sex life (again). Get a hotel room for the night. Hire that babysitter that I already mentioned. Order some of your favorite foods. Bring a portable speaker along to play some of your favorite music or to create the sound of rain or ocean waves. Check out some “bucket list” sex positions. Bring along a small bag with some “sex goodies” in it. And enjoy each other. Fully. A properly planned out sex date can have the two of you coming back home feeling like you’re 10 years younger.
Take (More) Sexcations
On the heels of sex dates, please make it a point and practice to plan out at least one sexcation a year. And yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like — it’s a vacation that has the sole purpose of doing nothing much more than having sex. If that doesn’t sound like complete and total fun, let me know because that means there is another article that I need to write (wink).
Something that I really like about sexcations is you don’t need a ton of money to pull them off. I mean, since the main objective is sex, how many extracurricular activities do you plan on participating in? You can easily stay over a few nights at a bed and breakfast in the next town over. Or, if you want to do a road trip or fly out to another city, how about booking a reservation at what’s considered to be one of the sexiest hotels in the country (you can read more about that here)?
After figuring out where you’re going, spend a week lingerie shopping and doing some personal pampering. And don’t forget to look for some places where you can get a few aphrodisiac foods delivered to your room. Check if the place where you’re staying has wine on site as well. See, where this could go? Exactly.
Speak in (Sex) Code
I think we can all agree that the foundation of a healthy relationship is consistent communication. But how do you go about discussing sex when there are always children around? One way to do it is to come up with your own sex “code” words. You can have a word for when you’re in the mood. Another word for when it’s a good time to have sex. Another word for “Let’s do something with these kids real quick." That way, you won’t ever really stop talking about it.
Don’t Be Afraid To Lock the Door
When you’ve got toddlers, I can understand why you might be super uncomfortable with locking your bedroom door. But once your kids are old enough for elementary school, it’s fine to lock your bedroom door — even if it’s only on the nights when you’ve got a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’ in mind.
That way, you won’t be paranoid about having sex because you’re afraid that your children could catch an eyeful.
Someone would have to be totally insane to think that kids don’t alter sex for a couple, but how much they do it is a choice. It really is.
If sex is important to you, your kids don’t have to ruin things. Besides, a healthy sex life helps to nurture a healthy relationship, which creates a healthy family dynamic. Hmph. Funny how that works. #wink
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
