When you become a parent, your life is forever and completely changed. Your life no longer revolves around you, but around your kids. For a while, sex is the last thing on your mind, and being touched out is completely real, especially for moms. It is typical for us to completely focus on our newborns. After all, they are helpless and new. My husband was right there with me in the exhaustion and worked hard to help me get through it. In the beginning, with both kids, we were both so exhausted that physical intimacy fell way down on the priority list.
The phrase "ships passing in the night" is something you truly come to understand. This idea is what my husband and I feel like most days — we are constantly passing by each other in favor of getting something for the kids. Their needs often feel more pressing than our own. Even as our kids are getting older, it is still hard to find the time to connect. After our second child began napping on his own, we began to think of it differently.
We suddenly had more time, and needed to find a way to take advantage of it.
Nap time became our time to reclaim what we could in the day, including sex. Looking back, I wish I’d gotten both of them to nap on their own sooner, so that we could spend more one-on-one time together. Scheduling sex can be really helpful in making sure it actually happens because if you don't, you'll find an excuse not to.
While scheduling seems boring, spontaneity is just not realistic when you have kids.
Windows of intimacy become severely limited, and you’re restricted to certain times of the day. Instead of a rigid schedule for intimacy, we have more of a conceptual one. Nap time and bed time are prime times, so focusing on these times of day is key.
A great thing about knowing when you are going to have sexy time helps you get in the right frame of mind, which is huge.
By knowing when it’s happening, you will be better able to get into the mood. It gives you something to look forward to and takes the pressure off the rest of the time. You can do what you need to do and not worry that your partner is expecting something.
Of course, despite our best efforts at scheduling, things don't always go according to plan.
While kids can thrive on a schedule, they can throw them off just as easily. You will have times when kids won't be sleeping as you want, you won't be in the mood, or you may just be too exhausted. Some nights I just want to go to bed when the kids do. Listening to my body is important because sometimes I'm just not up for anything that involves effort. And let’s be real, sex requires effort.
Every opportunity won’t work. You need to be flexible, and maybe you need to work on other areas instead. My husband and I make sure to take the time to talk to each other. Even if we're too tired to do anything but sit on the couch, we still check in during this time since no kid is trying to talk over us.
Going into it optimistically but with realistic expectations has been key in keeping the intimacy in our relationship after having kids.
Keeping an open mind, scheduling as best we can, and trying to be understanding has allowed us to connect in a way we didn't think was possible after having kids.
By scheduling one-on-one time with my partner, we strengthened our relationship. It is so easy to fall into parenthood constantly, but remembering my husband and how much I love him is crucial for our family.
