Earlier this year, Jess Torres and I tried on — and fell in love with — Kylie Jenner's merch line.
It was irreverent, well made, and size inclusive — almost everything was available up to a size 2XL.
So when we heard that Kylie was coming out with merch that celebrates "all different kinds of thick," we were excited — then crushed.
Unlike her last drop, which offered everything up to a size 2XL, the largest size in Kylie's new merch was a size XL — roughly a US 14. Meaning that Jess — like a lot of Kylie's fans — wouldn't be able to partake.
Guess Kylie didn't realize as many things about body diversity as we'd hoped.
But because we are nothing if not committed, Jess and I spent $600 at Kylizzle's store — and we're here to tell you how everything fit.
Here's our THICK! verdict.
First, we tried the enamel pins, which come in a set of four. Jess fastened hers to the collar of her denim jacket...
While I put Kris "10%" Jenner through the hole in my bag strap and pinned Kylizzle's logo onto my jeans back pocket.
Despite having a very strong pin game, Jess wasn't happy. "I went to the Kylie pop-up shop and waited for 11 hours just to get in," she said. "And then THESE PINS are the only thick merch I can buy, because nothing else is in my size."
(She really did stand in line for 11 hours, btw)
Oh, wait — she could also wear this dad hat. "It makes me really sad that, as someone who is ACTUALLY thick, none of the clothes celebrating that were available to me as a plus-size woman," said Jess.
This hat is cute, but come on, Kylie. ($35, The Kylie Shop)
But of course, this THICK! hoodie was readily available in my size — small.
On no planet am I "thick," and I feel weird co-opting this description by wearing a hoodie like this ($80, The Kylie Shop). It's bizarre that merch supposedly dedicated to "all different types" of thickness would be offered in such limited sizing. If you're only selling clothes up to a size 14, you're really only celebrating ONE type of thick, Kylie — the kind that really isn't that thick at all.
Quality-wise, this hoodie was thick and warm, but not worth $80 of human money. The THICK! trim up the arms felt like it was hot-glued on. Too expensive for what it is.
Jess was pleasantly surprised by this Kylie '17 hoodie — "This is only an XL, but it fits me," she said. "It's a little snug around the belly if I pull it down, but it's cut a little bigger than her other clothes."
Jess usually wears a size 2XL in Kylie's merch, and says this XL fit like a 2XL, "especially in the arms — it's not tight in the sleeves or shoulders at all."
But this hoodie ($80, The Kylie Shop) still had issues. "It was SO THIN!" said Jess. "I could almost see my soul through it. It's more like a long-sleeved t-shirt than a hoodie."
And I was GENUINELY DELIGHTED by this Kris Jenner tee. #iconic
The Kris Attitude shirt ($35, The Kylie Shop) is the ONLY Kylie Jenner merch I would wear of my own volition. I'm in a size small, and the shirt has a great, relaxed fit in material that will just get softer with time. The print of Kris is quite stiff; unlike Kylie's last round of merch, it feels a little cheap.
And, of course, this shirt is only available up to XL. *sad trombone*
The Hidden Hills denim jacket was the only thing at the Kylie NYC pop-up available in an XXL. "It fits like a jacket from Old Navy," said Jess. "I can't button the lower two buttons, and the right armhole is really snug."
"You could never wear a sweater under this. I'd tell plus size women to definitely size up," she added. "Except 2XL is as big as Kylie makes clothes."
"But I *do* feel cool un-wearing this jacket like Kylie," Jess said.
(Editor's note: Jess looks cool in everything.)
I, on the other hand, was SUFFERING MIGHTILY in a heinous flame-print sweatshirt.
First, this flame hoodie is SEVENTY DOLLARS (The Kylie Shop).
Second, what in the Hot Wheels copyright infringement hell.
Third, the black of this sweatshirt didn't match the black of my jeans, which is an actual nightmare.
Finally, no. Just no, in every language, throughout time.
But that wasn't the end of my humiliation — Jess also made me try on the matching sweatpants.
The pants ($70, The Kylie Shop) and the sweatshirt were only offered up to a size XL, btw, which is why *I* get to have all the fun with puff paint fire.
The description said these were high-waisted sweatpants, but I was unprepared for just HOW high-waisted they would be. Fashion Urkel, anyone?
I can practically pull these up to my armpits. I could bundle up in these like a sleeping bag. WTF, Kylie.
Jess tried on a neon orange flame hoodie. "This is meant to be a 2XL, and it fits like an XL," said Jess. "I feel like an Ecuadorian pumpkin. And why is the hood so pointy?"
This orange sweatshirt ($70, The Kylie Shop) was SO neon, it defied photography.
But if I thought I'd been embarrassed by my high-waisted Fashion Urkel pants, I had another thing coming. I put on the THICK! "sport set"... and all my nightmares came true.
"Alle," you may ask. "Why are you standing like that? We can't see the outfit!"
Readers, that is exactly the point. Not only is this pink two-piece ($60, The Kylie Shop) more restrictive than the tightest pair of Spanx, it's also COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT.
Seriously. If I turned around, you would see my soul. I am more naked than naked, on the internet, in public, in this outfit.
Here's a better look, with Kylie added for modesty.
Yes, you could see my nipples in this. You could also — despite the fact that I'm wearing underwear — see my vagina. We're talking complete labial outline.
I am so deeply embarrassed by this, guys. It's nearly pornographic.
Jess told me later that this set isn't meant to be worn alone, as Kylie styled it — you're meant to wear the bike shorts under your sweatpants so that you can see the THICK! band peeking overtop. So this is underwear… that you need to wear underwear… with?
I'm so confused.
Though Jess and I had high hopes for Kylie Jenner's new merch, we were ultimately really let down.
The quality wasn't as good as her last drop.
The designs weren't as cute (but luckily, nothing made us cringe this time around).
The sizing was not inclusive.
We wanted to like Kylie Jenner's new merch line, what with the supposed uplifting message — but it didn't live up to the hype.
Hopefully Kylie realizes that slapping a THICK! label on cheaply-made clothes doesn't make it body positive.
If you want to celebrate "all different types of thick," you need to make clothes that actually fit "all different types of bodies" — and that starts with the sizing.
We look forward to Kylizzle realizing things about what it truly means to celebrate body diversity in 2017.
