One woman on the internet is wondering if her husband is taking advantage of her long, hard, labor, as she is the sole provider for their family and takes care of their three kids. And yet he gives her an “allowance.” Makes sense? Yeah, people on Reddit didn’t think so either.
The 26-year-old original poster and her 42-year-old husband have been married for six years and have three young kids.
As she explained in a since-deleted post on the r/relationship_advice forum, “I’ve been self employed for about 5 years now and my small ‘make ends meet’ work became popular enough that I now consistently make high 5 to just over 6 figures most years (assuming there no major dip in business),” she wrote.
The OP has always been responsible with her money “and I’m generally quite responsible,” she added.
About four years ago, her husband quit his job because the OP was making enough money for two of them "and now is home with me 24/7," she explained.
About three years ago, the OP’s husband merged their bank accounts and started “handling” their money.
“He says that I was not doing an efficient job,” she wrote.
“He now gives me a budget of a few hundred a week for everything, diapers, formula, groceries, and any extra needs such as new clothing for myself or them, and the truth is it’s barely enough,” she added. “I’ve had to take out secret credit cards and skim money off the top where I can or take on extra work to make the minimum payments because I simply can’t provide even if I’m frugal on what he gives me.”
“It covers food and hygiene needs adequate but extras such as new clothing is often too much for the budget,” she wrote.
Her husband will pay their rent and bills but then spend "thousands" on himself and his hobbies.
“I tried to ask for extra money about three months ago and he reduced me to tears over it,” she wrote.
The OP had a baby six months ago and her husband still hasn’t given her any money for new clothes — including underwear.
“He says I should just lose weight.”
The OP says she needs to warn her husband months in advance if her kids need new stuff.
“If there's too little notice he has a fit because it takes away from his personal budgets,” she explained.
To add insult to injury, the OP’s husband doesn’t spend any money on her.
“In nearly seven years the only gift he’s given me is gym clothes (he’s a fitness nut), he forgot my birthday the last 3 years. Like outright forgot,” she wrote.
He doesn’t even do other acts of kindness for her, like when he refused to give her a back rub while she was pregnant “as he ‘does all the real work around here’ while I ‘relax like a princess,’” she recalled him saying.
“I’m just hurting,” she added, “I need him to increase the budget but I’m afraid to ask and I don’t know what to do or how to convince him. I was thinking of talking about the recent inflation of cost of goods, maybe that would work.”
“How would one effectively show [how] an increase would make sense?” she asked.
Other Redditors were in agreement on this one: this was a big red flag.
"This is abuse," wrote one person.
"Yeah, you got yourself a sugar baby who thinks your money is his," someone else commented. "You make the money and he is 'handling' the money that means controlling it and knocks you up over and over again that you won't leave. Bring your kids to your parents, friends, someone you can trust, take the money that is rightfully yours out of the account, put it in a safe deposit box and just go. He doesn't love you, he is just using you. You probably have to pay alimony one day, but at this point, just go."
"Welcome to financial abuse," another commenter wrote. "You are making all the money, he spends all the money on himself. This is in no way a relationship of equals. What positive does he bring to your marriage? You will have a very difficult time changing this. He gets everything for no effort, so he is going to want to keep riding this gravy train. Couples counseling would be the only real chance to correct things, but he’s unlikely to cooperate. His greater age and established habit of exploiting you will make him very resistant to changes.
"Talk to an attorney," the poster continued. "It may make sense to reorganize your business into an LLC or corporation so that the money is kept in the company’s account. Under no circumstances should you give him access to those accounts. He will keep trying to bully you into giving him everything. Be strong, and recognize that you are the producer and owner of that income. You shouldn’t have to beg to use your own money to get underwear."
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, financial abuse "occurs when an abusive partner extends their power and control into your financial situation," the website states.
Which might mean it's time for the OP to reach out and get help.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic abuse, you can find help and support at DVIS.org, the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or by contacting your local women's shelter (domesticshelters.org).
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
