Getting your new husband and your child to get along is tough enough as it is, but one mom on Reddit said things have gotten to a whole new level of weird after her husband insisted she change her 4-year-old son’s name. According to him, the name is too reminiscent of his hurtful past, but was the mom really so wrong for putting her foot down and telling him that she’s never going to change her son’s name for him?
The 32-year-old Original Poster met her 36-year-old husband two years ago.
As she explained in a since-deleted post in the AITA forum, her son from a previous relationship is nearly 5 and his father isn’t really in the picture.
“My husband instantly loved and embraced my son when he met him though he pointed out how he doesn't really like his name,” the OP explained. “He said it's the same name as his abusive former stepdad and he didn't feel comfortable saying it.”
They decided to compromise and used nicknames for her son.
It was all going smoothly until about four months into their marriage, when he brought up the “name issue” again and told the OP “it doesn't feel right since he still has to say/write the name down for daycare and formal statement.”
He asked the OP if they could pick out a new name for her son together.
“I flatout refused because that'd not only be confusing for my son but also disrespectful for his past years with this name and all of our memories together,” she wrote. “Like the [birthday] cards and blankets etcetera.”
Her husband pointed out that her son probably wouldn’t remember life with his current name anyway.
He “kept insisting that I do this for him and said that I have to agee to get it done because otherwise this will drive a wedge between him and my son and he won't be able to fully embrace him and love him completely,” she recalled.
But the OP told him no and said that as his stepdad he had no say in what her son was called “and asked him to respect my son and accept that his name is part of his identity,” she wrote.
“He kept arguing saying he's feeling too overwhelmed and his concerns and discomfort are constantly brushed off and ignored which is ‘suffocating’ and insisted I'm the one with the problem and I'm the one who's being hung up on a game,” she added.
Most people agreed that the OP had no obligation to change her son's name.
“[Not the A–hole] your husband's former stepdad isn't the only abuser in the family … you're being tested. He wants to see how far he can make you bend," one commenter warned.
"This. Ma'am, take your son and go," another commenter agreed. "The nicknames were ridiculous, and this is too much. If you give in on this, your husband will ask for more and more until your son is in a boarding school or living with your parents and you are cleaning up messes of your broken dishes because hubs didn't like the meal you made. As[k] yourself what other red flags he's waving, and get out now."
"Your husband is struggling to separate his trauma from his present. He needs therapy," another commenter advised. "His trauma is not your fault or your child's fault, yet he's taking it out on the both of you and creating a potentially traumatic situation for your son. That's not OK. Send that man to therapy."
But one person sort of thought this was all the OP's fault.
“[Everyone Sucks Here] your husband is the abusive stepfather here, you stink for cementing this person's presence in your child's life," the person wrote. "Your kid should come first, not 'fixing' a man at your child's expense because you don't want to be alone."
That's probably a little harsh on the OP, but I think we can all agree that changing her son's name won't fix the sitution. Or as one commenter put it: "Your child is a child. Your husband is a full grown adult."
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