It’s not easy being the second wife — and it definitely doesn't help if some people are still not over the first. For one anonymous poster on Reddit, she’s starting to feel really insecure over her husband’s ex-wife, who seems to always be around and his family adores her.
“I’m so sick of it and feel really disrespected but don’t know whether I just suck it up because Dear Husband isn’t willing to do anything or say something myself,” she wrote.
The woman posted on Reddit, looking for a little advice.
Her husband and his ex got together in high school. They had two kids together “then she came out as gay 20 years into the relationship,” the original poster explained in her post on the r/JUSTNOMIL subreddit.
The OP and her husband have been married for a year and together for four years, but “he does not want any more children so we don’t have kids together (I also have two bios),” she added.
For the most part, the OP and her husband’s ex get along well, but they did have one big blow-out fight where “she wasn’t very nice to me.”
The OP let it go and decided to move on, but there’s still one big problem between the two: “Since the beginning of our relationship BM has NEVER stopped being invited over for any family gathering big or small,” she explained.
Sometimes her husband’s siblings aren't even invited and they've had their own problems with their in-laws not respecting boundaries.
“In fact sister-in-law was having a hissy fit just a week ago because father-in-law was talking to her ex-husband at their kid’s b-day party,” she wrote.
But the OP’s feelings really boiled over when she arrived at her SIL’s birthday party and realized that her husband and his ex had been there, together, for HOURS.
It was all so awkward and the OP even had to interrupt her MIL and her husband’s ex from their private conversation when it was time to say goodbye. The OP feels like she doesn’t even know her husband’s extended family because his ex is always there and they choose to talk to her husband's ex instead of her.
The OP is over it, but she’s unsure if she should say something or just “suck it up.”
"Do I just limit my own contact to save my feelings?" she asked.
“It took over a year of subtle hints for in-laws to take down DH and BM’s wedding photos from the front entryway, and photos of DH and BM are still scattered around the house which adds to my hurt and frustration,” she wrote. “Of course I may be being petty, so open to being told that if it’s the case.”
Some people agreed — her in-laws need to let her husband's ex go.
"No, you’re not overreacting," wrote one commenter. "These kind of blended family dynamics affect everyone differently. If any of your in-laws are aware that this is a point of contention with you, then they’re going to keep including and inviting her. That’s the dig."
"I’m thinking since his EX came out as lesbian they might think it’s no big deal that she’s there since she’s no longer attracted to your husband," someone else agreed. "But you have to speak up for yourself if you husband isn’t willing. Also just because you are the DIL, it doesn’t mean you HAVE to have a close relationship with your MIL. It sounds like you and your husband are in different places, I highly recommend couples counseling."
"I am going against the grain here but I feel if your husband's parents want to see his ex and have a relationship with her it should not be at FAMILY functions because she is no longer part of the family," a third commenter wrote. "It is disrespectful to you and frankly kind of weird in my opinion. I have been married to my husband almost 30 years and that would absolutely not fly with me or him. Personally I would stop going to MIL's. Go see your mom or take your kids somewhere."
While other people thought she was overreacting.
"Honestly, that's normal," one commenter explained. "They were together for 20 years so she's engrained in their family. She's the mother of his kids and their grandkids. She's gay so there's not like there's anything to worry about, but if it makes you uncomfortable you should speak up. I wouldn't care but that's just me."
"My parents divorced after nearly 25 years and my mom's family involved my father with everything," another person shared. "It was because they formed a bond with my dad. It had nothing to do with them trying to hate my stepdad. Everyone can get along."
"You are overreacting," someone else chimed in. "Sounds like you have jealousy issues about this woman. She is part of their family and you want them to just forget her and their relationship because your husband got a new model? You sound immature."
Later in the thread, the OP explained that she wasn't upset that her husband's ex was at family functions, "it’s just that she is always there and is treated like the daughter-in-law."
She added: "It does make me resentful to Dear Husband as well. SIL was with her ex for just as long and they have kids but she would never allow that, so I suppose it’s mostly DH’s fault for not suggesting that I am his wife now and maybe BM should be invited to less (not none) events."
Which might mean that the OP needs to have a long conversation with her husband — and let him know how their current family dynamic doesn't really work for her.
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