My MIL Died, So Now My Husband Wants His Dad To Move in & Thinks I’m Selfish for Saying No

KatarzynaBialasiewicz

When an adult loses a parent, it's hard, particularly if the parent was married and their spouse is still alive. Not only is there the grief of losing a loved one, but there can also be the added pressure of caring for an older person who is now alone. A lot of people feel like their parents took care of them for so many years, that when they are older, it is their turn to take care of them. But what does that entail?

Sure, it is certainly different for every family, but sometimes, when a parent dies, an adult child offers to have the living parent move in with them. This can be a wonderful thing for the family, including grandkids, that is, of course, as long as everyone is on board. But not always.

A woman on Reddit explained that her mother-in-law recently died, and now her husband wants his dad to move in with them. Sure, she loves her father-in-law, but having him move in would be a massive change for their family, one that she is not interested in. As you can imagine, her not wanting her FIL to move in has caused a lot of tension between her and her husband. She wanted to know if she was acting like a jerk, so she posted in Reddit's AITA forum for unbiased advice.

The MIL's death hit the family hard.

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The original poster's husband, 40, and his father have taken his mother's death pretty hard. His 75-year-old dad and his mother shared a life for 50 years, and being alone in the house where they built a life is starting to get to him. So OP's husband wants to move his dad in with the family.

"After he laid out his plan, he asked me what I thought and I told him my immediate reaction is 'no,'" she wrote. "I told him that barely any time has passed since his mom's death and it's too soon to make such drastic changes in everyone's lives. I told him his dad will get better with time and we all just need to take a step back and not rush into any decisions."

Moving her FIL in would be a huge ordeal.

OP is hesitant because of her kids, a 14-year-old daughter, and sons, 12, and 9. The family did a whole renovation last summer so the kids could finally have their own rooms, and now OP's husband wants to offer his dad one of the kids' bedrooms. She feels like this is pretty unfair to the kids. Plus, she says FIL has a nice amount of money that could easily afford him a retirement home or condo.

OP's husband said those aren't good options since his dad would still be alone. Her FIL lives three hours away, so visiting and checking in on him can be challenging.

"Seeing my husband deal with his grief has been hard, especially since it's effecting his ability to be present with me and the kids. I really don't want a second grieving man in our house. I also really don't want to kick our middle child out of the room that we just made specifically for them. That isn't fair to them. But I know if I tell my husband this, he's going to think I'm being selfish, and maybe I am," she wrote.

What exactly is OP's husband looking for?

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Redditors wanted to know the whole plan here. The man is 75. Sure, he may be independent now, but what about later?

"What's the plan for when he needs more help?" someone asked. "Is OP's husband going to care for him or dump that responsibility on his wife?"

"I'm also curious if OP will solely be responsible for FIL's care," another person wondered. "Did his wife do everything for him and now does everyone just expect OP to fill those gaps? Will she now have to prepare all his meals, do his laundry, book and take him to medical appointments, sell/find storage for the items in his current home that can't fit in hers. These are things her husband needs to be thinking about before expecting OP just blindly to say yes."

Redditors want the FIL close, just not in OP's house.

No one told OP, YTA. On the contrary, people feel for her and everyone else involved. This has to be gut-wrenching for her husband and FIL, and Redditors want them to be happy. Many agreed that the FIL should move close to OP and her family, but not into one of their bedrooms.

"If you have any concerns at all – don't do it," someone advised. "It's not like he'll be on the streets without you. He can try moving. A retirement home where he can spend time with other widows who will understand his grief. He can make new friends who have no connection to his past life with his wife. It maybe hard at 1st but overall it's probably the healthiest option for everyone involved."

"If he wants to stay in his home there are companies like Visiting Angels, that will check on him during the week and will meal prep, clean and provide companionship," one Redditor noted. "Also, there are wonderful retirement homes that offer wonderful accommodations, gourmet dining, day trips, recreation, and the chance to make new friends his age who would have much in common. Nothing could be worse than to be old, alone, your kids are grown and your lifelong spouse passes before you."

"Even if the father is struggling a bit, he may not be ready to leave the home he shared with his wife quite yet," another person pointed out. "And he may prefer an apartment or condo situation instead of moving into his son's family home."

This isn't about guilt or obligation. It's about what is best for everyone.

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OP, you're in a tough spot, that's for sure. Trying to take care of a grieving husband, three kids, and the stress of everyday life is enough without this added pressure. Redditors felt like your husband was the one being selfish, albeit out of love. He wants the best for his dad, who is far away, and he misses his mom. That's so tough.

Do they think YTA? Nope, not at all. Maybe you could try a bit of tenderness? Your husband clearly needs it. And, you could totally talk to your FIL and see what he wants. This may all be in your husband's head to help him deal with his grief. It never hurts to ask.