Many people hope their children will have strong, loving relationships with their grandparents. Those grannies and gramps often love their grandchildren to pieces, and everyone is happy. That is, of course, unless the grandparents play favorites, which can be hurtful to kids and adults and cause friction in families. It is an unfortunate situation all around.
A mom is having this problem with her mother-in-law, which has really bothered her. She wrote to Slate's Care and Feeding column to get it off her chest and to get some advice.
The grandmother clearly favors the grandchildren from her daughter over the grandchildren from her son, and it's pretty glaring. OP wants to confront her but wonders if that will cause more problems. Are her feelings valid? She wanted unbiased opinions.
The MIL is very close to her daughter.
It isn't unusual for mothers and daughters to be close, and OP recognizes that. But the closeness has also caused her to be closer to those grandchildren, and it is hurting OP's feelings.
"I am struggling with my mother-in-law's treatment of my children," she wrote. "My husband and I have two kids, ages 6 and 3, and my husband's sister also has two, ages 4 and 2. The cousins love each other and get along well. My husband and I are close with his sister and her husband, and we all really enjoy each other's company. But Grandma has a very clear preference for her daughter's children."
The favoritism has become much more noticeable lately.
OP's kids are noticing that their grandma is treating their cousins differently. She hugs the other kids and shows them great affection, while she coldly greets OP's kids, which is obviously hurtful. It is so bad that OP's oldest son is actually fearful of his grandmother, and it's sad.
MIL babysits her daughter's kids all the time without batting an eye, but makes a big deal out of watching OP's kids once a year for her anniversary. OP doesn't want free child care, she wants her kids treated and loved the same way as their cousins.
"My mother-in-law also leaps at any opportunity to babysit her daughter's children. Meanwhile, my husband asks her to babysit once a year on our anniversary, and she makes a big deal about it being a huge favor. She made a point of telling us—multiple times—that we would not get a Christmas present because she had agreed to babysit," OP wrote.
A confrontation is brewing between OP and MIL.
It seems inevitable at this point that OP and her MIL will come to at least verbal blows over the whole situation with the grandkids. OP is so bothered that she can't decide what to do. Should she bring it up? Should her husband? She is so confused.
"It seems unlikely to us that she'll change her behavior, but part of me wants to have the direct conversation for the sake of our children and in the (naïve?) hope that she doesn't fully realize she's doing it and will course-correct. Thanks for your help!" she pleaded.
Care and Feeding was blunt.
The moderator pulled no punches and told OP she probably won't be able to change her MIL's behavior, but maybe her husband could talk to her. Even then, it is unlikely that her MIL's feelings toward the kids will change. Instead, she recommended that OP spend time with her SIL and their kids and let them develop a relationship with their cousins outside of their grandmother.
"On the occasions when you have no choice but to have your children in Grandma's presence, be prepared to talk to them about her behavior toward them, why it's wrong, and how it's not their fault. (If your husband objects to this draconian plan, then see my suggestion at the top of this paragraph: it's on him to see if this dynamic can be changed.)," the columnist suggested.
Commenters understood where OP was coming from.
They didn't think that OP's MIL was being fair and felt for her kids.
"TUO — there are a lot of reasons why granny is doing the favoritism thing," someone commented. "Some maybe sort of legitimate, or understandable. But it all boils down to she is just not a very nice person."
"I spent my life wondering why my father's mother didn't like me," another person wrote. "She misspelled my name, didn't see me until I was 6 weeks old despite living less than a mile away, and obviously doted on my brothers. Finally at age 25 I asked my father what I did to have never been accepted by her? He explained that as the first grandchild I had the audacity to be born a girl. Sadly there was nothing I could do to change that fact."
"I think its okay for kids to learn that there are plenty of people in the world that they will not get along with, or enjoy spending time with, or who will be downright unpleasant toward them for reasons beyond their control," someone recommended. "Not every situation calls for a big confrontation. It may be better for everyone's mental health to limit the role such people play in your life. As the parents, they have the ability and the option of not subjecting their kids to the poor treatment of a relative who does not really care for them."
Bottom line: If grandma won't be fair, don't spend time with her.
"Since your husbands mother wants to treat your kids as acquaintances rather than her grandkids have them brush her back by addressing her by her first name," someone suggested. "When she complains they're disrespectful tell her she's lost the respect she thinks she's entitled to and maybe she can try to earn it back. If your letter is at all reliable this lady doesn't like you at all so why not put her in her place and if she cuts off contact, oh well, no loss."
Good luck, OP. This is a tough one. Continue to give your children all the love you can and let them know how special they are. If your MIL can't see that, it's her loss.
