When a parent is diagnosed with cancer it's heartbreaking. Sometimes there are limited treatment options and we don't have much time with our loved ones before it's time to say goodbye. Of course, anyone would want to soak up whatever precious moments they have left and hope that our close family members will do the same. But what about photos? Is it appropriate to document the last few moments of our loved one's life?
A mother of four was recently diagnosed with cancer and sadly died not long afterward. At the end of her life, she was surrounded by family. But her youngest daughter feels like her siblings behaved selfishly and took advantage of her in their mother's final moments.
The woman posted to Reddit's AITA Forum asking if it was unreasonable for her to be hurt that her nieces and nephews were given a chance to say goodbye to her mother but she was not. Her siblings posted photos of the final moments on social media and it feels like rubbing salt in a wound. She wonders if she overreacted and wants some advice.
The original poster has three siblings.
OP, 25, has two older sisters, 34 and 33, and a 22-year-old brother. She is the only one of the siblings who does not have children. Their mother was diagnosed with late-stage cancer and lived only four weeks after her diagnosis. She was hospitalized in the days leading up to her death, and the siblings spent a lot of time with her.
"On the day she died, we received a call from the hospital basically saying that she had had a rough night and we should get down to see her because she didn't have long left. 2 of my siblings don't drive so I picked them up with their kids and met my other sibling there," OP explained in her post.
The family wanted to take photos with their mother.
Knowing that time with their mother was limited, the family wanted to get pictures with her. OP explained that she gave her mother a hug and a kiss when they walked into the room but was quickly brushed aside by her siblings.
"My siblings started taking turns getting photos of each of their children on the bed with my mum while chatting amongst themselves about the best way to sit up the babies or support mum holding them. I wrangled whichever toddler wasn't currently having a turn to stop them causing chaos in the hospital ward," she wrote.
This went on for about 30 minutes, and the siblings even asked OP to take a group photo of them and their kids and mom. OP obliged, but soon her mother's machines went crazy, and they were rushed away so doctors could sedate her.
OP didn't want to leave the hospital.
The nurses assured OP and her family that they would call if their mother's condition changed. OP didn't want to leave the hospital, but she did because she drove her siblings there and they were ready to go. She said she was upset but thought she would go back and spend some special time with her mother later and get some photos of her own.
"Not long after we left, the hospital called again and said mum's condition had worsened to the point that it was only the machines keeping her alive, and she would not regain consciousness. She passed a few hours later," OP wrote.
Her mother's death broke OP's heart.
Understandably, OP was devastated by the loss of her mother. She didn't even think about the photos until she saw them.
"I was just heartbroken about losing my mum and the photos didn't cross my mind again. However, when my siblings announced to their social medias about mum's passing, they used the photos they took of her that morning and noted that they were so grateful to have gotten those final conscious moments with her before she passed, and every one of them filled me with so much rage," she explained.
OP asked her siblings to take down their posts.
OP was deep in her feelings and asked her siblings to please remove their social media posts as they triggered some painful emotions for her. She didn't want the world to remember her mother as frail and ill. Her siblings refused, and things got ugly.
"I blew up and let it slip that it was also my own resentment towards them and not being able to look at those photos without and insane amount of jealousy," she wrote on Reddit. "They basically told me to grow up because her grandkids were the most important people in her life and she would like the photos, so I said they wouldn't even remember her, but me, her 25 year old daughter would always remember that I was less important on that day because I didn't have kids."
Now she wonders if that was the wrong way to act.
Redditors felt OP's heartache.
People on the forum came out supporting OP, and many hearts were broken for her.
"OP … they got their pictures and deprived you of a moment to be with your Mom. There is nothing any of them can do to make up for that," one comment read. "They have pictures to publicize they were there in her last hours (see what dutiful kids we are). You wanted a memory and a moment to say goodbye because she was still a person to you. It's a hell of a time to find out your purpose in your family. I'm sorry for your loss."
Another person agreed that it was a complicated situation, writing, "NTA. Your feelings are valid, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Your siblings were being selfish by taking the photos and excluding you, but I don't think they did so with malice. They're hurting right now too, so try not to let their behavior taint your future relationship."
"What dreadful behaviour from your siblings," another person wrote. "I'm so sorry you weren't able to spend a few quiet, dignified moments with your mum before she passed. I can't understand what your siblings were thinking subjecting your mum to all that hassle when she was in such a fragile state."
But what about the grandkids?
Yes, those grandchildren are special. It is hard to ignore that they were also losing someone close to them.
"And why on earth shouldn't the grandchildren have been there? OP's mom wasn't just OP's mom. She was a mother to others AND a grandmother. While OP is NTA, I do not believe her siblings did anything wrong here. They are family too and it wasn't up to them to read OP's mind," one person wrote.
"Everyone processes grief differently. You're not an AH for feeling how you do. They're not an AH for posting pictures with grandkids," another person wrote.
Someone else tried to put things into perspective for OP.
"This is helpful to a certain extent. Please try to reframe this in your mind. Your siblings kids don't get to grow up with grandma. Those last moments and photos are how your siblings will keep her memory alive with them," the person suggested. "Your feelings and grief are valid, and your siblings acted casually cruelly by monopolizing her last moments, but reframing things to view the benefit for the kids who did nothing wrong may be helpful."
Feelings are hurt, but there is no clear winner or loser here.
Redditors believe that the whole situation was heartbreaking for everyone involved. Many thought that it was not a malicious attempt from OP's family to monopolize their mother's final moments and that OP should focus on working through her grief.
"[Everyone sucks here.] Everyone needed something different in this situation. Your siblings need pictures of their mom with her grandkids so they could have those memories for their children. You needed time to sit with her at her last moments," one person wrote.
"Your siblings took over and you allowed that," the person continued. "Please don't be harsh with them because everyone grieves differently. You are in a stage of grief right now and you need to see that and not lash out at others who are also in a stage of grief."
It might be best to leave this one to the professionals.
One commenter knew just how OP felt.
"NTA … coming from someone whose Mama passed away very unexpectedly last year… please find a licensed grief counselor," the person wrote. "I completely understand how you are feeling. And I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you."
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