In a perfect world, holidays would be easy. Christmas trees would go up with the snap of a finger, presents would wrap themselves, and families would get along. Doesn't that sound lovely? But we all know that is what dreams are made of. Sometimes, holidays are a drag and more trouble than they are worth.
For a lot of people, holidays and family gatherings have been nontraditional these last couple of years, and many of us are looking forward to returning to normal. A woman posted in Mumsnet's Am I Being Unreasonable Forum, wondering if she is off base with her thoughts about Christmas this year. It was supposed to be a more intimate gathering for her and her siblings and their immediate families to celebrate with their mother.
Suddenly, her sister-in-law opened the invitation to her whole family, and the original poster is upset. Is it wrong for her to want to be with a smaller group for Christmas?
OP and her siblings had Christmas all figured out.
A while back, OP agreed to go to her brother and SIL's house for Christmas this year. She planned to take her three kids to be with her mother.
"Mum is getting older now and also going. My sister said she'd go. We haven't had 'our' family Xmas for 4 years so was massively looking forward to it," she explained.
Her sister told her that she could only go to the gathering after lunch — in the evening — because he husband didn't want to attend. It's a bummer because the family's time together is now lessened.
OP's SIL started spreading the word about Christmas at her place.
Presumably because she is hosting the party at her home, OP's SIL decided to invite her side of the family to the party as well. OP is not thrilled about this development.
"Now SIL has invited all of her family, both parents separated, siblings for whole day. I don't know her family, a couple of them fine but so many that I feel like it's not worth going along," she wrote.
OP explained that she accepted the invitation under the impression it was just her family, as her brother and his wife ordinarily alternate years with their families. Evidently, they are combining things this year.
OP is torn because she wants to be with her mom for Christmas.
OP tried to compromise with her mother and offered to spend some of the day with her at her house instead of going to their brother's home for the entire day.
"I wanted to spend it with my mum though, so offered to her that perhaps I could stay with her instead, have half the day with her and my kids, then go over to SILs / brothers with her family as a compromise. But my mum has refused saying she needs to be [there] the whole day," she explained.
OP has opted to stay home with her own family.
"I've had a terrible year, one kid has special needs and so many strangers will be too much, my other kids are not keen, and one is leaving for abroad so might be my last Xmas with that child for a while," she wrote.
OP is disappointed that she won't be with her aging mother, but she doesn't want to be with all the people she doesn't know on Christmas. She has decided to stay with her kids and have a quiet Christmas at home. Now she wonders if that is unreasonable and if she should suck it up to be there for her mom.
OP added that she has to travel to make it all work.
Getting together for the holiday is more complex than just going down the street. OP has to travel to celebrate with her relatives.
"I have to travel quite a long way so have to stay 3 days to make it work. Brother and SIL are spending Xmas eve and Boxing Day at SILs family so weren't keen on me staying either. If I was near no problem I'd just [be] like my sister and go later on instead, but I'm not. I was invited in the basis that it was mainly 'our' family. This is how it's been for years," she explained.
The explanation made sense to some people.
"Ah fair enough. Spend the day as your choose but I would make a decision sharpish so she doesn't start catering for your family," someone suggested.
There were mixed reactions to OP's dilemma.
"I think it's a bit late to cancel. Most people who are hosting a big Christmas have already ordered their meat for the numbers, started to buy bits of food for the day and booked in their food delivery," another person commented.
"You can duck out if you want, but if I were your SIL I'd find that pretty rude at this late stage in the game!" another person wrote.
Others empathized and don't want to spend their holiday with a million people either, which is totally OK.
"People's responses saying 'the more the merrier' and 'bite the bullet' is why half the country have a fucking miserable Christmas," another person wrote. "More fool you if you'd rather keep the peace with people who cant even show you personal consideration or understanding. More is absolutely not merrier for lots of people. It is rude to change the plans — which SIL did, not OP.
"SIL can of course do what she likes in terms of inviting other people, but she cannot expect that everyone will just be fine with strangers/people you don't like or have a relationship with being there too on all of their Christmas," the person continued. "Add in the 3 day trip and it sounds like absolute hell to me."
People were concerned about OP's child.
Though there were conflicting opinions over whether OP should attend Christmas, people were most concerned about the welfare of her child with special needs.
"I don't think there's anything wrong in mixing families in general, the more the merrier. But if it truly would be too much for your child, then tell your brother and SIL. That they should understand," one person pointed out.
OP, you've got to do what is best for you.
This is a tough one. You'll likely end up unhappy in one way or another, no matter what you do. More than being concerned about other people's feelings, Mumsnet users think you should prioritize your child.
You've got your answer if this is an uncomfortable or would be an unpleasant experience for the child. Otherwise, maybe you should suck it up and go.
