If you're planning a wedding, you and your partner will have do a lot of work to make the day everything you ever dreamed of. As we know, other people are bound to give their input about this and that, but you're under no obligation to honor their wishes. But sometimes unusual circumstances call for more consideration than others. Let us explain.
A woman and her fiancé are thrilled to be getting married next summer. They each invited a niece to be a flower girl at the wedding. Sadly, the original poster's sister-in-law lost a child, Baby Ella, at 5 months old. Her family placed her ashes in an urn that they take everywhere. Now they want the urn to be taken down the aisle at the wedding, and the bride-to-be isn't in love with the idea. She went to Slate's Dear Prudence column for advice.
The loss of the baby was difficult.
OP knows that when Baby Ella died, it was tough on the whole family. They decided to memorialize her in an urn they take with them everywhere they go.
"It is sweet, and it helps them deal with the loss. I always figured that Baby Ella would come to the wedding but assumed that she would sit in the pew at the church," she explained. This seemed reasonable to OP.
OP's SIL had a different idea.
Instead of having Baby Ella sit in the pew, OP's SIL wants her other daughter to carry the urn down the aisle. OP is not down with this.
"I don't want to be a bridezilla but I'd much rather she carry a bouquet or basket of flowers than an urn of ashes," she wrote. An urn coming down the aisle isn't what OP envisioned.
OP's SIL recently had another baby, but the child is too young to walk down the aisle. OP wants Baby Ella to sit in the pew with her mother and the new baby. She even said she would get a small bouquet matching the wedding party's flowers to put with the urn. Is this an unreasonable request?
Prudence believes that a compromise is possible.
Prudence immediately pointed out that a child carrying an urn could be a nightmare. "I don't know how large or heavy the urn is, or how difficult it would be for a little girl with possibly less-than-excellent motor skills to carry down an aisle compared with a posy," she wrote.
She suggested that OP tells her SIL that she would like to incorporate Baby Ella into the ceremony but not as part of the processional. She thinks that, as the bride, she should have a say.
"I certainly don't think it's overbearing or dismissive to say, 'I'd love to set aside an aisle for Baby Ella and Baby [New Name] toward the front, and have [Niece] carry a bouquet.' Since your sister-in-law asked in what sounds like a fairly gentle manner, my guess is she'd be open to a compromise," she wrote.
There are other ways to honor Baby Ella.
Many people honor their loved ones who have died at their weddings. A special memorial table sounds like a good idea. Baby Ella will be there, but the focus will still be on the bride and groom.
"An alternative could be to have a memorial table at the reception with photos of deceased grandparents, friends and, of course, Ella," someone commented. "My daughter included a table of that sort at her wedding and we thought it worked out well, especially since the bride and groom wanted to honor a close friend who died."
Guess what? OP doesn't have to do anything for Baby Ella.
Remember former first lady Nancy Reagan in the '80s who told us to "Just Say No?" The Prudy commenters think that is totally OK for OP to do, too.
"She doesn't need to honor Baby Ella at all," another comment reads. "A simple 'no' would suffice. The parents may not have moved on but that doesn't mean anyone else is oblidged to stay back with them."
"I absolutely agree she doesn't need to," a person suggested. "But it sounded like she wants to, just not in that way — which is why I said 'if you so choose.' It's definitely not morally required."
"No, it is not necessary for you to agree to have the remains of your deceased niece carried down the aisle at your wedding," a person agreed. "I'm sure you can find a tactful way to honor Baby Ella if you so choose — like maybe a special small flower arrangement or a program note in memory of lost loved ones – but literally centering her ashes at the ceremony is not a reasonable ask and not something you should feel obligated to do."
Hard truth: The SIL needs to realize that not everything is about Baby Ella.
People agreed, there is no denying this is a tragedy for SIL and her family. But at some point, she needs to try to move on.
"I'm sure you can find a tactful way to honor Baby Ella if you so choose — like maybe a special small flower arrangement or a program note in memory of lost loved ones — but literally centering her ashes at the ceremony is not a reasonable ask and not something you should feel obligated to do," someone wrote.
People recognize this is very difficult, but they can't bring her back. One commenter wrote: "Ella is gone. That's terribly sad, but just pretending it isn't true by making every family event about her in perpetuity won't change reality."
"I hope Baby Ella's parents got therapy and were able to stop taking her ashes on vacation and didn't end up taking them to play dates with their other daughter at the park," someone suggested.
OP, plan your wedding the way that you want to.
OP, your wedding day should be about you and your groom. No disrespect to your SIL and her family — losing Baby Ella was obviously extremely traumatic. However, you don't have to live your life living their grief. Would it be a wonderful thing to honor Baby Ella? Yes. And we're sure it would be appreciated, but you need to do that the way you see fit and not for anyone else's happiness.
