Life before kids had a lot of spontaneity. Ideas ranged from simple, fun, and exciting to silly and outrageous.
“Honey, what do you think of getting away for the weekend and doing a wine tour?”
“Screw making dinner tonight. Let’s check out that pub we’ve been meaning to try and catch the midnight showing of the latest Tarantino flick.”
“There’s a last-minute couples massage deal for tomorrow ONLY. Let’s play hooky and book it!”
“Let’s light some candles, put on explicit rap and play naked Twister.”
Well, that escalated quickly …
Anyway, all of these ideas would be received with resounding enthusiasm and carried out with ease. There would be no ifs, ands, or buts about them.
But of course, after kids, all that spontaneity goes out the door, along with your pristine white walls and crystal clear glassware.
Like most parents with young kids, the days in our household are incredibly busy. The only alone time my husband and I have with each other is the precious hour between when the kids are asleep and when we go to sleep. We usually spend that time trying to stay awake watching Netflix.
To do the deed requires effort and without scheduling it, we would probably be celibate.
“Nope, we can’t do that wine tour this weekend. The kids have swimming lessons, a birthday party, and dentist appointments.”
Our world revolves around our kids’ routines. I wish that weren’t true, but they are called our dependents for a reason. When I book an appointment for my daughter, it’s not just based on her schedule; I have to check my, my husband’s and my son’s schedules. If there is no one to do the drop-off and pick-up, that appointment slot is a no-go.
Scheduling sex forces us to make time to get intimate, reprioritizing our relationship’s needs above the kids’. It puts it on our radar and keeps us accountable to reconnect on a romantic level.
Sometimes, it doesn’t even lead to intercourse but great conversation, a wonderful dinner out without distractions, and a lovely massage. And that in itself does wonder for our relationship. It feels like we’re dating again and we feel closer to one another.
“Check out a midnight flick tonight? Ha ha … which babysitter is available in the next hour? Right, none because they need at least 48 hours' notice.”
For us, sex won’t happen just because one of us is in the mood. There was one morning I woke up after having a rather arousing dream about Ryan Gosling. I turn over to my husband and I see my son snuggled up against him, sandwiched between us like an abstinence ad.
What was I going to do?
Quietly wake my husband up without disturbing my son? And then subtly gesture to him to get out of bed and tend to my urges by using my hands to make a finger in a hole motion? Then somehow get to the couch?
All this with stealth and grace while making sure our daughter doesn’t wake up in the other room? The walls are paper-thin.
No thanks. I’d rather feel completely uninhibited to express myself without worrying about getting walked in on.
“I’m so tired tonight. Maybe tomorrow? Or next week? Or next life?”
Being tired is like a constant state for us. We wake up earlier than ever. We sleep late because we try to compensate for the lack of time we have to ourselves. And the cycle goes round and round.
When sex is scheduled, it becomes something to look forward to. All the anticipation leading up to the date builds excitement in our lives even though we are tired. Once the date comes, there’s no pressure to get between the sheets. It’s more about connecting physically in the way that we feel is right for us at that moment.
Ultimately, scheduling sex sounds unsexy; however, it’s the dull and unsexy habits such as sleep, exercise, eating vegetables, and meditating that create healthy and happy lives. And sharing a long and happy life with my husband sounds pretty exciting to me.
