All marriages have challenges, especially when blended families are involved. Maybe the kids hate the stepmom, maybe the dad hates the stepkids, or maybe there's a psycho MIL in the picture. But what happens when your teen stepdaughter wants to keep her daddy all to herself and literally throws jealous tantrums every time she has to share him with a new mom?
Is it petty for a stepmom to say, "Bump this, I’m not going on any more miserable family vacations where this teen is dictating the mood?" One mom told Reddit that her 17-year-old stepdaughter sabotages family vacations if she doesn’t get all of her dad’s attention, and the stepmom is done with enduring the abuse.
The Original Poster was really upset and conflicted, so she went to the AITA Reddit community seeking guidance about an upcoming family vacation.
According to OP, “[Dear Husband] and I (both late 40's) have been together 4 years, married 1. We have 3 kids between us, currently a 7yoF (mine), 17yoF (his), 20yoF (his)."
Apparently, his daughter, Becky (17) has a really hard time with the relationship.
"It had been her and her dad for most of her life and she hated having to share him with someone else," OP shared. "It's probably the first time she's had to deal with her dad not putting her first.”
Becky is getting help with her possessive daddy issues, but it doesn’t seem like her feelings are improving as well as everyone hoped.
“She would act out, yelling, being purposefully disruptive and disobedient, making things at home very uncomfortable," OP wrote. "We have all discussed this many, many times and have both told her we understand her feelings, but need to work on adjusting her behavior. She's currently in therapy.”
We know what Becky did last summer, and it wasn’t cool.
Last summer, the whole blended family went on a vacation to the husband’s hometown. From the get-go, it was a tug of war for dad’s attention.
“Becky starts right away with demanding her dad's attention, excluding others. She gets angry any time we want to do something alone, so we don't. She sits next to him at dinner and won't speak or look at me. She walks next to him when we go out and completely ignores me and my daughter. The hostility is palpable.
“I considered leaving early, but didn't because I knew how deeply it would hurt him," OP continued. "We talked about things when we got back, and he understands how hurtful Becky's actions are to me.”
Becky kind of sounds like a giant toddler.
It seems Becky's dad needs to step up and handle his daughter's bad behavior and quell any insecurities about her stepmom.
Becky's dad might feel like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. Maybe he's having a hard time letting his little girl go. But what about the stepmom and the rest of the family? What is Dad doing about Becky’s bad behavior?
The OP even went against her own better judgment and tried to give the teen another chance.
“We took another family vacation earlier this year. Becky has been in therapy for a year now, and things started off well. About three days in, her demands, emotional outbursts, and anger start. It was too much," OP shared.
"When we got home, I told my husband I wouldn't be joining on family vacations for a while. They are clearly upsetting to Becky and the tension and hostility make me extremely uncomfortable and upset. I can't relax wondering when the next outburst is going to happen."
No one blames you, stepmom.
Becky's dad appears to be either the ultimate optimist or completely delusional.
OP is tired of enduring the emotional exhaustion that comes with dealing with the moody teen, so she is doing what any rational adult would do and removing herself from the situation.
A few weeks later, her husband asked if she would be open to a family trip to his hometown. OP agreed to give it another chance, but Becky was still throwing tantrums.
“We talked with Becky last night and she said she feels angry that we go on trips together (and that we shouldn't go because we know it hurts her), feels like her dad doesn't spend enough time with her alone (she comes home from school and goes straight to her room. Sometimes for days) and feels like I get everything she doesn't.”
Sounds like the stepmom is the only adult in the house.
OP ended up telling her husband that she won't be going on the trip.
“I can't put myself through another week of being shut out, putting myself last, and dealing with her anger and the resulting tension,” she wrote.
Her husband is very upset by this and has basically shut down. He thinks OP should go and they can manage Becky's emotions by scheduling some alone time for them in between more family-oriented time. It’s pretty obvious where Becky got her sulking and tantruming ways.
OP asked Redditors if she was being a jerk for not wanting to go on this latest family vacation.
One commenter believed OP is not the a–hole in this situation. "Becky is not the only person with mental and emotional health needs," the person wrote. "Yours matter too. It is perfectly valid of you to dip out of a vacation where you know you will be subjected to hostility and outbursts."
Someone else agreed. "You do not have a stepdaughter problem. You have a husband problem. Your husband is not putting you by his side in all things and is allowing his daughter take on your role. She continues this behavior because he allows it. It is a competition for her and she wants to be number one."
Many commenters suggested therapy.
"I think family therapy is also in order," someone else chimed in. "It sounds like she does need therapy but part of that should include underwriting how her behavior affects the whole family as well."
All in all, most thought OP was not in the wrong. Instead, she is trying to protect her own mental health and their relationship. But her man is clearly being inconsiderate for asking her to go along on the trip and be at the mercy of Becky and her fluctuating moods and emotional outbursts.
We get it — he’s at the mercy of his daughter because he loves her. But he has to consider the rest of the family too.
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