What Is Emotional Cheating? (And How to Recognize When It’s Happening)

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You can see it happening from miles away in other people’s relationships. The woman who has been in a seemingly solid partnership for a decade is suddenly smitten and can’t stop talking about a handsome new associate at work. Or the guy who has been married for years, continues to refer to the awesome woman he met at the gym who knows more about real estate than anyone he’s ever met. Is this what you would call emotional cheating? We’re human; men and women meet new people all the time. We’re also friendly creatures who have conversations, share our likes and dislikes, and even crack a few jokes with co-workers and other acquaintances.
When we're friendly with someone outside of our marriage or serious relationship. Does that mean we’re cheating on our husband or wife?

Emotional cheating may be oh so easy to spot when you’re not personally involved, but can you recognize when it’s happening in your own relationship? How do you know if you’re crossing a line? What are the signs that your partner is paying too much attention to someone else? These are questions we wanted answers to, so we asked Dr. Kelly Rabenstein-Donohoe, a licensed psychologist, to help us unpack emotional cheating.

What exactly is emotional cheating?

Broadly speaking, cheating in a relationship can be defined as being unfaithful to your partner by having intimate physical or emotional contact with another person. Emotional cheating is specifically “when your partner repeatedly siphons time, attention, money, or affection away from your relationship and towards a potential romantic interest,” explains Rabenstein-Donohoe.

This emotional cheating results in less of a connection between the two of you. Rabenstein-Donohoe adds, “the loss or damage to the primary relationship is the main way to know if someone is 'cheating.'”

How do you know if you are an emotional cheat?

Reading the definition of emotional cheating can definitely cause alarm. You may feel the need to question many things you’ve been doing or think back about behaviors of your partner. Every relationship is different and very personal. The first step is to take a moment and really think of how you and your partner have defined your relationship and what you’ve agreed about so far.

It’s not about making you paranoid about your relationship or every little detail of your partner’s actions, especially if things are going well. But if you have been feeling uneasy in your relationship, you might want to take a little time to think about why you have been feeling uncomfortable about your partner.

If you’ve been feeling the need to look inwards about your own actions with someone you know, take some time and think: If something good or bad happens, who is the first person you want to call? Rabenstein-Donohoe suggests if it's someone you're close to outside your relationship “then you're likely engaging in an emotional affair.”

How can you recognize when someone is cheating emotionally on you?

Rabenstein-Donohoe tells us that you will obviously notice secrecy from your partner when emotional cheating is happening. “With devices, this can look like notifications turned off, phones placed facing down, reading the phone carefully so you can't see,” she says, “[your partner will be] acting anxious when you look at their devices.”
Partners who cheat (no matter what kind) tend to eventually pull away from the primary relationship. It’s rare for a partner who is cheating to maintain giving you the attention they always have. “We only have so much time and energy and the new relationship is shiny,” suggests Rabenstein-Donohoe.

For example, your partner will have something exciting to share and eventually we have a hard time not sharing the exciting news with the person we are emotionally cheating with versus our primary partner. “You will notice your partner turn towards you less emotionally for this reason if they are emotionally cheating,” she explains. “There is only so much energy to go around.”

What's the best way to confront someone who is emotionally cheating?

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If you realize that your partner might be in a situation where he is emotionally cheating on you, you’ll feel the need to ask your partner about it. If you choose to confront your partner you can start with questions. Rabenstein-Donohoe recommends that you ask if your partner is happy in the relationship. It makes sense to also try and note the ways you've noticed a disconnect or changes between the two of you. “Each relationship is different, but a direct question about whether they have connected with someone may prove most effective.”

The next step is not easy. You have to decide whether your partner’s actions are forgivable or whether this is an issue beyond repair.

Of course, if you’re the one who committed the emotional cheating, the same consideration applies. It’s possible to overcome emotional cheating, but it takes some serious work. “It is possible to overcome almost anything in a relationship that doesn't involve abuse,” Rabenstein-Donohoe tells us.

“If your partner is honest with you, let's you know what's happened, and agrees to be honest and do the work of repairing trust, which is arduous and difficult work, and you both want to stay in the primary relationship then many people make it work.”

Whether you decide to stay together or end your relationship, you likely come out of the situation a different person.

The betrayal of emotional cheating usually changes you forever. Rabenstein-Donohoe explains to CafeMom that after you've established a way to rebuild trust, “it is essential for BOTH partners to look at the relationship and the role they played in the creation of space where the cheating grew.” She says that it can be very difficult to lower our defenses after cheating of any kind, but we should continue to look inward, because we should also recognize how we both played a role.

Finally, we also need to be honest about whether we feel we will be able to let it go, and for the person who strayed, do they want to be in the primary relationship or not? “Looking inward and answering these questions truthfully for both partners is the key to move forward healthily,” says Rabenstein-Donohoe.

With more than two decades of experience, licensed psychologist and passionate expert, Dr. Kelly Rabenstein-Donohoe helps individuals and companies prepare for transitions, challenges, and changes, while teaching them how to grow their productivity through an increased ability to connect.