She thought she had the perfect relationship, but now that she’s learned her husband cheated on her the night before her wedding, one woman is questioning everything. Heartbroken, the anonymous woman only found out about the tryst when they ran into her husband’s mistress — playing in the park with their 4-year-old son.
In their nine-year relationship, the couple were nothing but supportive of each other.
As the Original Poster wrote in a since-deleted post on Reddit, they met in their student Christian society at college and even after school were there for each other while the OP started training to become a vicar.
“It sounds weird but I've always been proud of how we have been a strong Christian couple — like I've felt as though we were role models,” she explained in her post. “We waited til we got married, he has supported my career, I have had such huge respect for him as this loving man with whom I had an equal relationship. I thought we had a perfect life.”
Before they got engaged, a new woman named “Alice” started attending their church.
She seemed lonely, so the OP welcomed her into their social circle at church and invited her out for coffee.
“We were friends. Not super close friends but friends,” she wrote.
Early on, the OP could tell that Alice and her now-husband “Josh” shared a unique connection.
They both loved an obscure book series from when they were kids.
“They never hung out on their own but it would be the kind of thing where Alice would say something to the group and Josh would reply saying something that was a reference to the book series and they would both find it very funny,” she explained.
One time the OP volunteered to go with Alice and Josh to a movie because “I was always aware that Alice was uncomfortable around men,” she wrote. “Josh asked if she wanted to go see it with him and I instinctively said I'd come too when I saw Alice flinch.”
The OP thought that Alice had a sense of boundaries.
She assumed that out of respect for her, Alice would always speak to both of them when they spent time together.
“Another time we were talking in the church women's group and she stated that if you're friends with a girl, you don't need to be friends with the girl's boyfriend but if you're friends with a boy, you do need to be friends with his girlfriend or it doesn't work,” she recalled. “I respected that and I agreed.”
As time went on, it appeared Josh and Alice couldn't stand to be near each other.
The OP could never figure it out, however. They were never alone and it didn’t seem as if anything happened. The only time they even saw each other was when they’d wash up the dishes at church.
“So feet away from where I would be working in my office — once or twice he said she was his 'washing up buddy' and she just used to look embarrassed,” she recalled. “Once our church had a ceilidh and they danced together once then too and again, I felt like there was something weird.
“I talked to a separate friend about it and we prayed together about my insecurities,” she explained. “We agreed that Josh would never cheat and that Alice was a nice girl.”
On the day that Josh was meant to propose — Alice came up again.
He canceled on the day they were supposed to take a walk and he was going to pop the question. Later, the OP found out that Josh had gone early to the park to hide the ring when he ran into Alice.
“He found Alice very upset because of something to do with her family so he had stayed and talked her through it,” she wrote. “So he postponed proposing til the next day and then it rained and so it ended up being three weeks later. But then I was so happy. And Alice wrote us a lovely card to say congratulations.”
The OP guessed that Alice was the kind of woman Josh would’ve dated if he wasn’t already with her.
But it didn’t really matter: They were going to get married and move away, so there was no need to keep in touch.
“Our wedding wasn't super super small but I didn't invite Alice and Josh didn't press it,” she wrote.
They had a memorable, “infamous” wedding.
Filled with friends and prayer, they had the perfect send-off to spending their lives together.
“I remember just wanting it to be the next day so I could be Josh's wife already,” she recalled.
Meanwhile, Josh had a “freak out” on his last night as a bachelor.
“It was supposed to be their last boys' night and he got up and said that he needed to go and pray and he just left,” she wrote. “And from that point he was MIA for over 12 hours.”
Josh didn’t show up until an hour before they got married.
Everyone hid this little tidbit from the OP until the day after they got married.
“Josh downplayed it and said he'd just been feeling the pressure and the hyperactivity of his groomsmen and he just really needed some peace so he went and slept in his car and accidentally drained the battery so it didn't start and then he had to get a taxi to the church,” she recalled. “He was so lucky his parents had brought his suit there hoping he'd get there in time.”
When they went on their honeymoon, Josh admitted that he’d just gotten overwhelmed with everything, and the OP forgave him.
“Friends sometimes mention it and it's become a story of how even a good couple can become overwhelmed by wedding hoopla,” she explained.
Now, five years later, what really happened that night has become all too clear.
The truth came tumbling out when they were, again, walking in the park.
“Who should we see but Alice? She seriously looked as if she'd seen a ghost,” she wrote.
“I had basically forgotten about how she used to make me feel insecure so I said hi but Josh looked really uncomfortable too,” she continued. “But she had a little boy with her. And I looked at him and it was just … obvious.”
“Instead of Josh's first time being with me, it was with Alice the night before.”
The baby was born nine months to the day of their wedding. Josh tried to explain that in the weeks coming up to their wedding, it was clear that they had feelings for each other.
“He said that the night before our wedding he couldn't breathe and when he left his house he just drove to where she was,” she wrote. "It was her first time and his and he said that she just opened the door and 'events escalated rapidly.' He spent the night and then his car had no petrol from the drive or whatever and so it was Alice who drove him to the church,” she continued.
And of course, they didn’t use protection — ”because they weren't thinking and because they hadn't premeditated it.”
Both he and Alice agreed that he shouldn’t give up his life with the OP to be with her.
Alice blocked him on social media so they could have a “clean break,” and after the wedding, they never heard from her again.
“We've been happy I think but now I'm questioning everything,” she wrote.
Her husband still wants to be with her, but now that he knows there’s a child in the picture, he wants to be part of the 4-year-old boy’s life.
Alice “says that she and the little one are happy together as a unit and doesn't want to confuse the child.”
The OP doesn’t know what to do.
She believes that her husband tried “really hard not to be in love with Alice and that he couldn't do it. I could still see that weird look between them that day at the park — the way it's like he looks at her and she looks back but also draws away,” she wrote.
“It's like my life has crashed down and my husband suddenly has this soulmate and it's not me,” she continued. “How can he still be drawn to her when he barely knows her? They had one night and a lot of mooney eyes — we've been living together for five years, how does that not compete??”
She doesn’t want to give up their life together — but how are they supposed to go on?
“I am really ashamed of myself for how embarrassed I feel — as if it's a failure in my 'personal brand,’” she explained. “That I'm not as good a Christian as I thought I was.
“I am angry with Alice even though I know enough about her to know that she hasn't 'stolen' Josh — he's a grown man who could control his own decisions," she continued. “And he is being so polite, so apologetic, bringing me cups of tea, asking if there is anything he can do — I just want him to fix this mess and put things back the way they were.”
Some people thought there was no coming back from this.
"I mean, this is a huge betrayal, not just of you, but your marriage and your ideals and religion," one person commented. "It wouldn't hurt to try counseling for this if you want, but I honestly don't know how I'd come back from this and continue building a life with this man."
Someone else agreed. "Some people think all cheating is equally bad and to an extent I agree, but I have to say that cheating right before your wedding, having unprotected sex when cheating and having a secret love child for years as result of your cheating definitely feels like a step above other kinds of cheating. Especially when one subscribes to Christian moral beliefs."
"This is Sunk Cost fallacy. What you are saying is that because you have wasted 9 years of your life on a lie, you might as well waste the rest of it, too," someone else pointed out. "In addition to being a sunk cost fallacy, isn't there also an element of short-term thinking? Yes, 9 years may feel like a lot, but it would be a relatively small percentage of a long life, and an infinitesimal percentage of eternal life."
Other people thought she could stay with her husband — but it wouldn’t be easy.
"Some amazing relationship counselor I can't remember the name of right now did a TED talk on this," one commenter wrote. "Her thinking is basically your relationship is over, now you can choose to rebuild a new relationship together (through counselling and individual therapy) or go your separate ways. But what you had together is now broken with the trust that was broken.
"Often couples who do choose to put the hard work in to create a new relationship will find themselves in a deeper, more honest, more durable connection afterwards — but it takes work and hurts like h–l in the process," the person continued. "For a lot of people a fresh start is best. Thing is you don't have to know now. You don't have to choose now. It's totally normal to be confused and hurt and lost."
"If you want to work past this, then he needs to come to terms with what he did, make it up to you, and come to an agreement with Alice," another commenter added. "If Alice says she doesn't want him in the child's life, he needs to accept that as pennance for his actions. Knowing his child is out there and he is not allowed to be a part of his life will be his scarlett letter to wear for the rest of his life. I can't believe he wasn't man enough to confess to you. He would have happily hid it from you until the day he died if you didn't see with your own eyes. Please never forget that."
A third commenter thought it might be worth trying to work on their relationship. "While I understand the point that he lied the night before your wedding and continued the lie for five years which makes him a Class A liar. I am slower to say there is no way to come back from this and even believe it could lead to a life completely different but also fulfilling. But that's not to say you could attempt forgiveness and find it too difficult/impossible given the fact you'll have to have interaction with her and child into the future.
"If that's so, other commenters mentioned having it annulled, which you would have grounds for," the commenter continued. "And moving forward could lead you to something that you may have been missing. I would only suggest that he maybe leave the house for awhile. Counseling for you and as a couple so you can get a realistic preview of what moving forward together or not, would mean."
As heartbreaking as this situation is, the OP might need more time before she can decide what to do about her marriage. No matter which path she takes, she should work on herself first before taking the next steps.
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