Co-parenting can be hard. It’s not easy for the parents and it can be a real struggle for the kids, too. This is especially true when there are different rules at the different homes and when there’s conflict that must be navigated because of it.
Take, for example, one family that doesn’t do meal time the same at mom’s house and dad’s house, nor do the parents see eye-to-eye on a concern regarding their daughter’s health. The mom believes her daughter isn’t being treated well at her ex’s house. He doesn’t see it the same way. And in the middle of it all is their daughter.
The mom needed advice so she took to Reddit to explain what happened in hopes others would share advice.
Posting to Reddit’s AITA community, the original poster jumped right into the conflict she’s having with her ex regarding their teen daughter.
“My 14-year-old daughter Abby just hit 210 pounds, this started about 1.5 years ago when me and my ex's divorce was finalized,” she explained. “Growing up Abby was always an average weight until we went 50/50 on custody.”
When OP and her ex were still together, she did the shopping and cooking, she explained to Reddit. “We ate a pretty good diet with some junk food thrown in. The divorce was kinda messy but we sent the kids to therapy and it was doable,” she wrote.
The weight gain started to happen with their daughter when the custody was split 50-50.
'At the beginning I just thought it was gaining weight before a growth spurt, that wasn't the case,' she explained.
“At my house she was eating OK but at her father’s it is all junk food, he doesn't cook and to make it worse he lives by if it is on your plate you eat it,” she explained.
“So in short he is giving her way [too] big portions of crap,” OP wrote. “I have talked to him so many times, I have tried to let her serve her own food amount, instead of him loading up her plate. He will not budge.”
So OP decided to make a few changes to her daughter’s routine.
“I got Abby into sports which she enjoys for the most part,” OP shared, “but it's not enough to stop the weight gain.”
After that, OP then spoke to a few experts to ask for advice.
“I went to the doctor and nutritionist,” OP wrote, “and it comes down to her basically eating three times the calories at her father's place.”
Abby likes soccer, and OP used her kid’s love of that sport to find a solution.
“So since Abby likes soccer, I found an overnight camp from Friday night to Sunday night, the days that he usually has Abby,” OP explained. “Abby seemed on board with the idea and this way her dad will not be feeding her or even really seeing her for the next couple of months.”
OP told Reddit that upon telling her ex that Abby wants to do camp, things went downhill. “It was a big argument that he circled around to her weight,” OP wrote. “He accused me of sending her to fat camp.”
After explaining everything that happened, OP turned it over to Reddit and they had advice.
“Frankly, what father is doing is abusive,” one person responded. “Forcing a child to overeat. If he will not relent then I suggest you work with doctors and lawyers and get custody changed so that he doesn't create long lasting health problems in your child.”
“Is is it possible to take this to court to change the custody?” another person asked. “He is damaging your child’s health. And it's not just weight, it's probably lack of vitamins etc too, extra strain on joints.”
'It isn't fat camp,' shared someone else. 'It's soccer camp, and your daughter has expressed a desire to go.'
“However, this isn't an effective long-term solution to the problem you actually have, which is that your ex is not providing a safe environment for the kid during his custody time,” someone else wrote. “If Abby is also distressed by the weight gain, it could lead to an eating disorder like bulimia.”
“You probably need to contact your lawyer and talk through what your options are,” suggested another. “Depending on what state you are in, Abby can make a request for custody review on grounds of abuse, neglect, or inability to properly take care of a child. But that really needs to be driven by her, not you. Alternatively, she's 14, she's old enough to take a stand for herself — make her own meals while she's there or bring some home-packed meals and eat them instead of whatever takeout he gets.”
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