The central ingredient to family should be love, not biology. This is why there are so many different ways a family can come together, and the days where there was one idea of what family looks like is long gone. There is no "right" way for a family makeup, so it shouldn't be anyone's business if a child doesn't look like their parents or if someone has a new baby and there was no sign of pregnancy.
That's what is frustrating one mom who is being harassed by her own mother with questions about the somewhat unconventional way her family came together. She (OP) took to Reddit to get some advice and perspective.
More from CafeMom: We’re Adopting Twins but Their Bio Mom Wants To Name Them
Posting in Reddit's AITA community, OP gave some history on her family before diving into her question for the group.
"I have 2 kids, 'Clark' and 'Kent,'" she wrote, giving aliases to her boys. "While they have the same father, only one of them is biologically my child. They were born within 6 months of each other. The boys are currently 6, and for various reasons I have full custody of both of them," she shared.
"I didn't speak to anyone in my family for several years, and we got back in touch in 2019," she wrote, which explains some of her family's questions.
"Due to the boys' ages, my family know I couldn't have carried both, unless I have the gestation period of a hamster or the longest labour ever," she joked. "I have explained to them how this all came to be, but in my explanation I neglected to tell them which was my biological child."
She's no longer with her kids' dad but says he clearly had a 'type.'
"Due to my ex having a type, the other woman looked enough like me that the boys could pass for twins," she explained. "Same dark hair, blue eyes, pale skin, and both cleft chins and dimples. My brother jokes that they look like tiny Supermen.
"People who know them refer to them as twins because aside from a few minor differences, they're practically identical," OP continued. "Frankly, if they were closer in age and I'd had full custody of both from the time they were born, I suspect I would have mixed them up a lot as babies."
Things started to get strange for OP last year, just before the birthday of one of her sons.
"Shortly before Clark's birthday last year, my mum asked if she could see Clark's birth certificate," OP explained.
"I asked why and she said she wanted to know the exact time he was born, so I told her. She asked if she could see the certificate anyway. I asked why. She said she just wanted to check," she continued.
This didn't sit well with OP, so she shot back at her mom. "I said I'm his mother, I know when he was born. Then she asked the same thing about Kent and we went through the same conversation all over again."
Her mom finally admitted why she wanted to see the birth certificates.
"Mum eventually admitted that she just wanted to see the birth mother's name on each certificate, which isn't even how that works and I told her as much," OP wrote.
OP hoped her mom would drop it – it's not her business, and she knows OP is the boys' mom.
"This led to an argument where my stance was that I'm their mother, biology is irrelevant," OP shared. "Mum says if biology is irrelevant then it's not a big deal to tell her which of them is biologically mine. I said if she's so hung up on biology, then clearly it's a big deal to her and I don't want it to be a big deal, especially as the boys themselves don't know."
Her mom could not let it go, and then the insults come out.
"Mum feels this is incredibly selfish, narcissistic, and overall wrong," OP shared. "She feels that if biology isn't such a big issue, then I should have no problem telling her whether Clark or Kent is my biological son, and that accusing her of potential favouritism or something similar with her bio grandchild is an unfair judgement with no actual reasoning to it."
OP's boyfriend, not the boys' dad, thinks she should keep the information to herself.
"My boyfriend agrees that I shouldn't tell anyone at least until my sons have decided for themselves if they want to know and want other people to know," she explained. And although he has her back, the rest of OP's family doesn't.
"My entire family agree with mum that I'm being unreasonably selfish and that my actions now are more likely to cause issues than mum's potential actions later," she wrote.
OP then turned it over to the Reddit community and asked for advice. 'Am I in the wrong?' she asked.
"NTA," one person wrote. "If she ever finds out, your mother will favor the biological grandchild, otherwise if wouldn't matter to her, who was on the birth certificate."
"NTA, totally and completely," another person wrote. "You KNOW she's going to make a big deal out of it the way she has pestered you and getting the family to be her flying monkeys. I sincerely hope you have their birth certificates locked up tight in a safe or safety deposit box so she cannot say she 'accidentally came across it."
"Your bf is right," replied someone else. "If the kids don't know (hopefully they have an age appropriate explanation of the situation) which of them is biologically yours and don't want to know then you shouldn't risk having them find out from your mom or some other family member your mom told. The fact that your mom is getting upset because she thinks you're implying that she will treat one differently while not being able to provide a reason why she would need to know kinda confirms that's what she going to do."
"NTA. Your mother is looking for her 'real' grandchild," another person wrote. "You're right not to set your kids up for that heartache."
According to OP, who answered a few questions in the comments, she spoke with an adoption therapist who gave her advice on explaining adoption to her boys. So far, her kids know that they're biologically half-siblings and one of them is adopted, but they don't know which one that is. She plans to tell them if her boys ever ask.
But none of this is her mom's business.
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