I have a bigger family than a lot of people today. My four kids range in age from 14 to 6. When I had them, it didn't seem like that much space between my oldest and youngest until they landed as a freshman in high school and a kindergartner at the same time. You throw in a couple more in the middle at 9 and 11, and there is a nice mix of parents around my age. But things start to change when we get down to that little kid. I was 37 when I had her. No, I was not ancient, but doctors called it a "geriatric pregnancy." Let me tell you, now that I am looking at all of these young moms running around with young mom stuff, I am feeling the gap.
These people were born when I was in high school.
Do you know what sticks in my craw at this stage of life? When people tell me that they were born in the 1990s. Um, excuse me? Are you talking about the same '90s when I was wearing flannel and dreamed of marrying Jordan Catalano? If you dare to tell me that Jagged Little Pill was the No. 1 album the week you were born, I will throw in some noise-canceling earbuds, blast some Alanis, and keep walking. My mother was in the throngs of beastly creatures fighting for a Cabbage Patch Doll when I was a kid, and you don't even know what that is. Please don't talk to me about Tickle Me Elmo. It doesn't even compare!
My baby days are long over.
My daughter will be 7 soon. I haven't had anything baby-related in my home for years. I had a recent pregnancy scare. Actually, it was a terrifying nightmare that consumed my entire brain for 48 hours, and my husband was ready to jump out the window. I am almost 44, and he is nearing 50. A baby was not on our radar at this time of our lives. Sure, we would have been fine and thrilled, but sweet Lord! I just can't imagine.
Now the moms on the playground whose oldest children are 6? Those people are going crazy expanding their families. They're praying for two lines, and I'm doing a rosary, begging all of the angels and saints for one in the control window. We aren't the same kind of moms.
I have been there and done that.
Sure, I will help you navigate the school, and I am happy to share info about teachers and parking lot procedures and where to get the best deals on school supplies, but I am no longer that gung-ho mom spending hours of my free time on campus. If you want to see what I was like as the super volunteer and room mom, check one of the old yearbooks.
I am tired. I don't want to do that stuff anymore. Now I have to worry about ensuring that someone is studying for final exams and has ADHD medication at school. My life is much more complicated than writing names on crayons and color-coded folders.
Don't get me wrong, I loved being a young mom.
I understand the excitement that comes along with sending your first child to school. It is magical, and I loved every second of it. I still look at my baby boy and enjoy all of his firsts. They are just different now. I am still involved at school and volunteer, but it isn't like it was 10 years ago.
Is my daughter getting the raw end of the deal? Maybe. But she also got much more of my time as a baby because I was a stay-at-home mom with my little kids. It all balances itself out.
Mamas, you are all lovely people. Be nice to each other and leave me out of it.
Look, I will be cordial when I see you at soccer games and on the playground at school. But I do not want to be friends. Please don't invite me to happy hour or hot yoga. I am not interested. I am over the time in my life when I want to gossip about other parents casually over a cocktail. Plus, I am perimenopausal, so sweating on purpose is not even a thought for me.
You don't want me around anyway. My life is boring. I have someone about to start learning to drive, and your 2-year-old is in the backyard on a motorized Jeep. It doesn't compute.
I'll give you some words of wisdom from a mom parenting her last baby.
Breathe it in, revel in it, and enjoy those sweet moments. As your children get older, you may not want to admit it, but so do you. And it is totally OK to take a step back at some point and appreciate your age, where you have been, and what it has taught you. You don't have to be everyone's friend. Sure, you can be a mentor with all the scoop on school lunches and 100 days of school projects, but it can end there. If your social circle is as big as you want it to be, then so be it.
But be kind. These young moms are excited and acting just like you did a few years ago. You'll be looking at moms born when you were in high school in the 2000s and wondering how that is even possible. Come to think of it, some of those people could even be getting close to graduating high school now. I have a son in high school! If you start thinking about that, I could be a grandma when my daughter is in high school and OMG … I need a Diet Coke and maybe a Xanax.
