High school can be a time of young love and raging hormones. According to some estimates from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, just over half of all US teens will become sexually active by the time they are 18 years old, and that number goes closer to 75% by the time the teen years end. So although those of us who have teenagers may still see them as our tiny babies, the reality is that they may be engaging in some awfully adult activities, sometimes sooner than we my expect.
That said, knowing generally that teens may become sexually active is one thing. Finding out for sure a son or daughter has started having a sex life is a WHOLE other situation! We talked to 16 moms (whose names we’re keeping anonymous for obvious teenage privacy reasons) about what happened when they found out their teen was having sex and how they handled their own emotions afterward. Read this for encouragement, cringe moments, and some surprisingly sweet stories.
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Text of Truth
"I saw some text messages go through that I really didn’t need to see and realized I needed to make sure she was on birth control. I wasn’t ready for it, she was mortified by the conversation, but she’s 20 now and I’m not a grandma, so calling it a win."
The Dad Talk
"I found out from my husband. Our 16-year-old son told him that he’d had sex for the first time and then asked a question about how to use condoms. I’m honestly really proud of him for asking and making sure he was being safe. I'm also really happy that my husband and my son have the kind of relationship where he felt like he could ask his dad that."
The Walk-In
"Oh, yeah, I found out in basically the worst possible way: I walked in on them. It was awful for all involved. I had suspected that they were having sex (or at least close to it) but it was still a real shock to see my son doing THAT."
Her Wedding Night
"My ex-husband and his wife are very, very religious. I am not (this is one of the reasons we are divorced). My daughter ended up getting hard core involved in their church and really bought into the no sex before marriage thing.
"She ended up getting married (VERY MUCH against my wishes) at 18, so I know exactly when she became sexually active. I didn’t freak out, but I’m really sad that she’s married so young. I would have been happier if she'd just started having sex and gone to college."
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Found Out Too Late
"I wish I had found out sooner and not when it was too late to get her on [birth control]. I found out when my then 15-year-old told me that she was pregnant. It was devastating, but I was glad she told me right away and that she knew I’d be there to help her access an abortion. She’s on birth control now and the experience ultimately made us closer, but I’d never want another mom to experience it."
The Thief
"My son was stealing condoms from my husband’s nightstand. I couldn’t figure out why we were running low on condoms, we weren’t having that much sex, and kind of wondered if I needed to worry that he was cheating.
"Then I found a wrapper in my son’s jeans and it all clicked into place. I asked him if had been taking them and he fessed up. I inwardly freaked out but outwardly told him that I was glad he was being safe. I ended up buying him his own box from Costco."
Her Girlfriend?
"My daughter’s girlfriend’s mom called me and told me that we should talk about whether they can keep having sleepovers since they were sexually active. Uh, what now? Until that moment I didn’t know that they were a couple or that my daughter was gay.
"It was a lot to take in and I felt super dumb. It hurt that someone else knew this really important thing about my kid and I didn’t. That was harder than knowing she was having sex."
Girls Day
"My 17-year-old daughter had been dating her boyfriend for about a year and I just had this feeling that they were starting to have sex. I ended up taking her out for a girls day and asked her if she needed to talk about birth control. She said she had it covered but confirmed that they were having sex.
"It was a little bit of 'Oh my god, my baby!!' feeling but also I was happy for her that she is in a relationship with a good guy who loves her. I lost my virginity earlier than she did (to real jerk), so I’m glad for her that her first experiences are so much better than mine."
The Sexting
"I found out my then 16-year-old was sexting her 18-year-old boyfriend, including sending him nudes. I fully freaked out. Not so much about them having sex, but that she was sending naked pictures of herself.
"We had a very, very long talk about how him having images of a naked 16-year-old on his phone could get him in legal trouble and how you can’t control where those pictures go once you send them to someone, even if it is someone you trust. The actual fact of them having sex seemed like much lower stakes than the sexting, tbh."
Plan B for Plan B
"When I was helping my daughter get ready to leave for college, I bought her some condoms and a Plan B packet and said something like 'You might not need these yet, but just in case…' and she was like, 'Um, well, I’ve been on the pill for six months so…' I was surprised but not shocked."
Not Trying To Be a Grandma
"I’m a single mom and I had my daughter when I was 15. I’ve always been real with her about talking about sex and birth control. When she was 16 she asked me to get her on birth control because she thought she was ready.
"I got her an appointment for an IUD and then she and her boyfriend broke up a week later. I’m not 100% they had sex but at least I know she isn’t gonna make me a grandma before I turn 35."
Just Want Him to Be Safe
"My son is trans so there are a lot of layers to this question. Like what is the definition of 'sexually active' we are using? He is 16 and we did have to have the talk about what birth control and STI prevention looks like for him, now and in the future when/if he has any surgical interventions.
"I mostly just worry about him being emotionally safe and having trusted partners, same as other parents, I guess, but also different because there is such violence against trans people in the world."
The Trash Tell
"My son never cleans his room or throws things away. I finally snapped one day and started hauling all the trash out of his room and found a stash of empty condom wrappers under his mattress. I was honestly mostly shocked that his girlfriend was willing to have sex in his room because it was disgusting."
Permission Granted
"She asked for permission! She was 15 1/2 and 'in love' with her boyfriend but wanted to know if it was OK to have sex. I told her that she was in charge of her body, not me, but that I’d make sure she had birth control access if/when she needed it. She finally came and asked for help getting on the pill when she was 16."
Disrespectful!
"I found a used condom in my car after my son borrowed it for a date with his girlfriend. SO GROSS. I’m glad they were being safe but we had a LONG talk about being respectful of other people’s property and cleaning up after yourself. I made him use money from his job to get my car detailed because, again, GROSS."
Well Child, Sad Mom
"I took her for her well-child appointment and was watching over her shoulder when she was filling out the questionnaire and it asked if she’d been sexually active in the last six months and she checked the yes box. I was stunned. I had no idea.
"It was a pretty terrible way to find out because I wanted to have a meltdown on the spot but we were in public and I didn’t want to make her feel like she couldn’t be honest with her doctor. She was only 14 and I honestly didn’t even know for sure she’d had her first kiss."
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