It can be a powerful mix of emotions when you realize you have a sexually active teen in your midst. Your child is now engaging in an adult activity that you may worry they’re not ready for. You may be concerned about your teen’s physical and emotional well-being. And, of course, there is the issue of safety, from sexually transmitted infections to teen pregnancy.
Navigating the conversations around being sexually active with a teenager is not easy, but here are some tips to help you both communicate effectively.
Take Time To Process
The first step in dealing with sexually active teens is to take the time you need to acknowledge your own emotions.
It’s important to process the news before deciding on any next steps. You may be feeling disappointed, scared, and worried for your child. Taking the time to process this new development is essential in dealing with it calmly. It may be difficult to wait when you just want to react, but it is important to figure out how to move forward without jeopardizing your relationship with your teen.
The goal is to protect and support your teen, so keep that in mind before taking any next steps.
Get Partner Support
To get support for what is going to happen next, if you are able (depending on your relationship with your teen), consider bringing in your partner to the conversation. It is important to let them know what is going on with your teen.
Talking about it will help you strategize how you want to proceed. You can be on the same page about what to do and can gain support from each other.
Don't React in Anger
Even though it can be upsetting to learn that your teen is having sex, try to stay calm. Reacting strongly and negatively to your child will not help you relay the message you want to get across. Instead, the teen will only hear your anger and disappointment.
When you are ready to talk to your child, make sure that you do so when you have had a chance to process things and that you can remain calm. If your teen has shared openly with you about being sexually active, remember that that’s a good sign – your child feels comfortable enough to share that with you and is looking for your support and guidance.
Approach Calmly
On the other hand, maybe you found out about your child’s sexual activity without them telling you. This can be a much different situation and requires you to approach your teen clearly yet calmly.
When you talk to your teen, do so tactfully and calmly. Talking about sex with your child is probably an uncomfortable subject for both of you. Choose a time of day free from distractions when you can really take the time to connect with one another. Lay out what you have discovered and give your teen time to share their side of the story. Always stay focused on the goal: their safety and well-being.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
It may be hard to get your teen talking openly about sex, but this is an important step. To truly understand what is going on, try asking open-ended questions.
You need to learn more about their experience and how they are feeling about it. You want to be sure your teen is safe and understands the consequences of being sexually active.
Really Listen
As you have this discussion with your teen, you need to really listen. Easier said than done, we know, but it is essential to understand their point of view on the decisions they are making.
The more you understand and stay calm, the more information you will receive. Let your teen talk for a bit instead of reacting to what is being said or interrupting. This approach can also inform you in case your child may have misinformed stances about the risks of sexual activity or facts they may believe about sex.
Assess Their Feelings
Even though you may be against your teen having sex, find out exactly how they feel about it. It’s vitally important no teen ever feels forced to engage in any sexual activity they aren’t comfortable with.
You want to make sure your teen understands what they are getting into and that they are comfortable in their decision. If they are firm and content about their choices, make sure they still know the things they need to keep in mind if they are going to continue to have sex.
Remind Them They Can Always Change Their Mind
During your discussion, even if your teen seems comfortable with the decision to start having sex, let them know that they can always change their mind.
Just because they decided to start having sex doesn’t mean they have to keep doing so. Stopping is an option at any time – even if they are in a relationship.
Make a Doctor's Appointment
One of the first steps to take with a sexually active teen is to immediately schedule a doctor’s appointment. Individuals with female anatomy will need to start regular Pap smears, receive contraception counseling, and possibly have other check-ups as well
All genders need to be tested for sexually transmitted infections and educated on signs and symptoms.
After an initial workup, teens should be monitored by a medical professional once they are sexually active to make sure they remain healthy.
Discuss Contraception Options
One of the first priorities anytime a teen is sexually active is to make sure they know how to protect themselves and understand contraception options. If you aren’t sure where to start, talk to a doctor. You can also explore online resources together, such as Planned Parenthood’s guide to birth control methods for teens.
Your teen should understand that being sexually active means:
- Knowing the history of any person they are having sex with
- Undergoing regular sexually transmitted infection testing
- Always using condoms for all types of sex
- Using additional contraceptive measures if either partner has the ability to get pregnant
It’s vitally important teens know that they need protection before and during all sexual activities.
Talk About the Risks
When you find out your teen is having sex, it is also important to talk about the risks that come with this decision. Your child needs to understand sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy risks, and the emotional ramifications of sex. There are many things to consider once a sexual relationship begins.
Intervene if the Teen Is High-Risk
If your teen has mental health problems, anxiety, ADHD, depression, substance abuse disorders, or self-esteem issues, you should intervene in their decision.
Sexually active teens who have these problems may engage in high-risk sexual activity and put themselves and their partners at risk without considering the consequences. Talk to a doctor and seek professional help as needed.
Remind Them They're Loved
Conversations surrounding sexually active teens can be highly stressful, and your teen may come out of it feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or attacked. Remain calm throughout the conversation, and remind them that you love them.
Tell them you are looking out for them and just want to make sure they understand what they are getting into and the risks. If you approach this situation mindfully, your teen is more likely to come to you going forward.
And remember, if your teen came to you to share the knowledge that they are sexually active, it is a good sign that they trust you and value your input, so focus on that relationship moving forward.
*Disclaimer: The advice on CafeMom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
