When I was pregnant with my first baby, I went through a period where I felt lonely and slightly depressed. My husband, who is usually wonderful and beyond supportive, became so obsessed with providing for us financially that he slacked for a while in the emotions department. I was frightened to death about becoming a mom and beyond terrified that something bad was going to happen to my baby — that she wouldn't be healthy. Many of my friends still hadn't become moms yet, so my emotions were lost on them.
But one person totally "got me." He was always there for me and would listen to every one of my mom concerns AND have an answer — an actual answer that wasn't "stop worrying." Yep, I kind of, sort of developed a crush on my gynecologist.
Dr. S was youngish but older than me. He was soft-spoken but confident. He convinced me my fear of pain wasn't a good enough reason to opt for an elective C-section and always told me how great it was that I was still exercising, keeping my blood pressure low, and eating healthful foods. He made me feel good about myself at a time when all I was doing was doubting my ability to be a good mom.
I guess it also didn't hurt that he had thick black hair, big brown eyes, and the most gentle hands you can imagine. But given how I wasn't exactly feeling erotic, my attraction to him had much more to do with his ability to calm me down and make me feel like, yes, my baby was super-important, but so was I.
I looked forward to seeing Dr. S once a month. I became as giddy as a schoolgirl when I was told I had to see him once every two weeks.
And then I got a phone call from his office the day before I was scheduled to give birth.
We just wanted to let you know Dr. S is overseas and will not be on call this weekend.
Whaaaat?! I thought we had a bond? An unspoken agreement that he would make sure I got through this unscathed? Dammit, he had better have a good excuse for why he's not here. So help me if he's over in Scotland playing golf or —
Oh wait, you mean my gynecologist isn't obligated to be there when my baby is born? And we weren't actually in a relationship? That was all in my head?
About a month after I gave birth, all of the weird feelings I had just sort of disappeared. I realized I had created a fantasy in order to cope with my fear of becoming a mom. I can laugh about the absurdity of falling in like with my gyno now, but I did end up changing doctors. If and when I give birth again, I want to be at least slightly familiar with the man or woman at my feet and, yeah, it would help if I didn't find that person attractive.
Did you have any fantasies when you were pregnant to help you cope with stress and fear?
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