It's time. It's been nine months since you saw the double pink line, or that digital readout declaring that you were pregnant. Now it's off to the maternity ward, where you will likely be at the mercy of the nurses in charge of you.
The vast majority of said nurses will be kind and helpful … however … you may run into a few who will have you questioning everything you thought you knew about your laminated birth plan. Good or bad, here are the 10 types of nurses you'll meet in the maternity ward.
Cheerleader Nurse
This is the nurse who believes in you! You can do this, exactly according to your birth plan! Dressed in her cheerfuls scrubs and sporting a bouncing ponytail, she's a favorite of first time laborers, and those who have missed the opportunity for an epidural and are already pushing.
Baby Nurse
Nope, this health care provider doesn't work in pediatrics — she just looks like she's 12 and got lost on her way to her babysitting class in another wing. How is this middle schooler who obviously hasn't given birth going to teach you how to care for your newborn?
Nurse Ratched
Be afraid, be very, very afraid. This battle axe doesn't have time for your griping or your scented candles. You'll be questioning your own humanity by the time it's all over. And if this was the first time, it might just be your last. Sorry kid, no siblings for you.
Sexy Nurse
It's a stereotype for a reason, people! Even though nurses now wear scrubs instead of whites with those cute little hats, this lady is hot. Your husband tries, but he can't help but notice. It's OK, just squeeze his hand extra hard … you know, because labor pains. That's it.
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The Pill-Pusher
You wanted an all natural birth? Planned to manage the pain on your feet? Fuh-gedd-about-it. This nurse will poo-poo your plans and call in the anesthesiologist anyway … by which point you'll just give in and take it.
Mother Nature Nurse
The opposite of the Pill-Pusher, this nurse shushes your cries for all the pain meds now, dammit! She feels the need to inform you of every epidural horror story in the history of hospitalized labor and delivery, and you'll find yourself wanting to throw that giant balancing ball at her head.
Nurse Jackie
She'll get the job done, just don't ask how. Her dark humor will somehow bring brevity to the situation. Watch your Vicodin prescription.
Male Nurse
What's he doing here? Why is he all up in your business? Why the hell didn't you wear makeup today? Why is he so hot? Get him out of here! No wait — bring him back. He's pretty and distracts from the pain.
Disappearing Nurse
Is she on break again? Where'd she go? The call button goes unanswered, and when she finally reappears, she's shocked to discover you're fully dilated and just about to push. Be careful — you may end up delivering your baby alone if you don't make it to shift change.
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Motherly Nurse
This is the best one. You'll wish she were your mom. She'll feed you ice chips and rub your back during contractions. She'll escort your own mother out of the room if need be. You'll name your child after her, even if it's a boy, and her name is Sheila.
What was your labor and delivery nurse like?
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