When you think of a trip to the beach you probably picture a few things: hot sun, white sand, crashing waves, bathing suits. What you might not be thinking about are your fellow beach-going moms, who you're bound to encounter when you're soaking up the sun.
Here are 10 Moms you are likely to meet at the beach:
1. The Skin Care Warden — The Skin Care Warden's children are coated in a thick layer of white paste. Their wide-brimmed hats serve double duty as umbrellas for surrounding beach-goers, and they're wearing long-sleeved shirts. The Skin Care Warden may slather a handful of lotion on your child's back if she doesn't think you've achieved sufficient coverage. She feels this is her duty. Put away your spray bottle, you can't ensure total protection with your lazy spray lotion and the warden doesn't want her children breathing in your toxins. You're basically spraying mace at her family and she doesn't appreciate it.
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2. The Sunbather — The sunbather is the Skin Care Warden's nemesis. Not only is she "laying out", but her children fail to be coated in a paste and everybody in her family seems to have a surplus of Vitamin D shooting out of their pores. The Sunbather loves beach season because let's be honest, nobody looks good pasty. She knows that the time of tanning salons being socially sanctioned has passed, but she still wants to get a little color. So sue her. She is pretty sure that her children are playing safely away from riptides but to be honest she's not totally sure on account of the fact that she is laying face down so that her back can achieve an optimal bronze.
3. The Nature Enthusiast — The Nature Enthusiast isn't at the beach to relax with her family; she is at the beach because nature is a classroom and all outings are an opportunity for learning. She is busy studying starfish with her children, so don't ask her if she wants to borrow a magazine. Nobody ever communed with nature while reading US Weekly.
4. The "Somehow I Look Amazingly Clean and Pretty at the Beach" Mom — This mom is completely in her element. The "Somehow I Look Amazingly Clean and Pretty at the Beach" mom's hair is pulled back in a neat ponytail. She has a nice tan and sand doesn't stick to her even if she rolls in it. She doesn't sweat although it's 110 degrees and she's chasing after multiple small children. Her pedicure is flawless and she is carrying lunch for her family in a trendy tote bag rather than the plastic bags from the grocery store that you're using. Where the beach makes some of us dirty, sweaty messes, this breed of mom manages to leave the beach cleaner than when she arrived.
5. The Fitness Coach Mompreneur — To the untrained eye the Fitness Coach Mompreneur looks like your average beach-goer. But don't be fooled, she is not at the beach to enjoy the weather. No, she is at the beach to sell you a lifestyle. Her body is the billboard. Avert your eyes or you're going to end up buying some DVDs that will in no way propel you to the level of fitness of your momprenuer dealer.
6. The Sporty Mom — The Sporty Mom can't sit still at the beach, and why would she want to? It's time for fitness! Volleyball, surfing, swimming, and running in the sand. All of these activities are beckoning. The Sporty Mom can't understand why other moms are laying around like semi-comatose seals. After she finishes her workout, The Sporty Mom may try to engage your children in a game of Frisbee. This is great news for you, as you can continue playing on your iPhone as if you're not at the beach in the first place. Give her a water bottle and let her have at it.
7. The Mother of a Toddler — She sees the beach as a giant sandy deathtrap. Her toddler keeps meandering away from her blanket and toward a strong undertow. This mom is pretty sure that she didn't apply sunscreen sufficiently due to the fact that applying sunscreen to a toddler is like wrangling a greased pig. The fact that the lifeguard on duty is texting and does not seem to have binoculars is not helping things along. The Mother of a Toddler should have just gone to an enclosed play space and called it a day.
8. The "Where is the Air Conditioning" Mom — This mom does not belong on the beach. Everything about the beach is uncomfortable to her, but she is here because she has little kids and she's pretty sure that the beach is a required summer activity. The "Where is the Air Conditioning" Mom has been sweating since she opened her car door and cannot for the life of her see the appeal of this outdoor hell when she could be at the mall.
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9. The Pinterest Mom — Watch out Martha Stewart! The Pinterest Mom sees the beach as part of a larger vision board she has for her life. She thrives on the logistical challenge of feeding an entire family a healthy, delicious and nautically-inspired meal al fresco. She has a collection of coordinated plates, cups and napkins in sea tones. This meal isn't simply filling stomachs; it is creating Pinteresting memories. Don't dive into the sandwiches too quickly, the Pinterest Mom needs to make sure she has photos of the spread before you ruin it with your greedy little paws.
10. The Lilly Pulitzer Mom — Several hundred dollars worth of pastels threw up on this mom. If you're not wearing sunglasses yet you will need to put them on now, lest the Lilly Pulitzer Mom's beachwear blinds you.
What other types of "beach moms" do you encounter? And more importantly, what type of "beach mom" are you?
About the Author: Liz Faria spent much of the past decade as a social worker and photographer. Now a full-time mom and blogger, Liz writes about the joy and ridiculousness that is motherhood at A Mothership Down. You can also find her on Facebook.
Image via © iStock.com/Henk Badenhorst
