My husband has two kids from his first marriage. We have two children together, so we are a blended family of six. He's been parenting for over two decades now and is 100 percent unequivocally DONE with the baby stage. I'm — well, I'm done because he is.
Generally speaking, I'm fine with our family's being complete. But I'd be lying if I didn't confess that there are times when I could imagine adding just one more little person to the mix. I suspect that if I had a spouse who was open to it, I'd be pretty easily persuaded to get pregnant again.
But he isn't, so we're done.
The interesting thing about the whole "are we done with kids" conversation is that this is one of the few marital conversations where compromise really isn't an option. You either have another child or you don't, so if you have two partners in different places on this issue, someone is going to have to end up disappointed.
I talked to 10 moms who've dealt with not being in agreement with their partners about adding another kid to the family to find out how they navigated this super important but really tricky situation. Read on for some very candid reflections of how the thought of another baby changed, and in once case ENDED, some marriages.
Waiting It Out
"I knew when I got married that my husband wanted a big family. He is one of six kids and I am one of four, so I figured we'd have at least four.
"But I HATE being pregnant. I had gestational diabetes last time and was sick a lot. Delivery of my giant baby was hard and recovery was long. We have two kids now and I'm DONE being pregnant. He is really pushing for two more but thinks adoption would be 'cheating' because I can get pregnant — I just don't want to.
"Right now we are tabling the conversation because it only leads to fights and we've got enough on our plates with two kids under 4 years old. I'm hoping I can wait him out." — J.J.
The Age Factor
"Oh, I have so many thoughts and feelings on this topic! My husband Dan and I have one 19-month-old boy, and Dan wants to keep it this way — one and done. He is 44 and I am 40. I can feel the biological push to have another within myself, but I also don't feel ready to be pregnant again right now.
"I'm still nursing and we JUST started sleeping through the night last week, which has been so wonderful! A few major factors for me: If my partner says no, that's pretty much the answer. For such an unknown, I really don't want to have it become a huge issue between us, especially when I am not really ready. Also, it took more than a year and a surgery to get my miracle baby, and I am a very happy, lucky mama to have him. If he's my only child, I know I can live with that.
"I often think about the sibling factor, and we are really lucky to have lots of cousins in the same age group that we see a lot. My husband says, 'If we were younger and richer, it may be different,' and I can totally see that. Money is a factor. Age may be a factor. The world and the state of madness we're in is a factor.
"I never knew I'd be so happy to have a child, and I can see being happy with more, but nothing can change the fact that the light and love of my life brings me so much joy.
"And I always think, 'I never know what life will bring.' Another child can be on the way in more than one way, if it's meant to be." — M.M.
Oh, Boy
"We have three boys that I ADORE. My husband would like one more kid. I'd like one more too, but only if there was a guarantee it was a girl. I know that sounds horrible to say, but it is true. I'm not sure I can handle being a mom to four boys. I'm not sure it is fair to risk having another baby when there is a 50/50 chance I'll be really disappointed with the outcome. My husband is sure we'd end up happy either way.
"I'm 37, so we need to decide this issue pretty soon." — H.R.
Hoping for an "Accident"
"Our situation is kind of unique. We were always in agreement that we'd for sure have at least two, probably three kids. Then our daughter, our first, was born with special needs, including Down syndrome. She is the light of our lives but is a lot of work. My husband is really worried about adding another kid to the mix and whether we'd be able to give that kid enough love and attention.
"I say that love multiplies and that you love each kid enough and differently.
"We're pretty stuck on this question, actually. I low-key hope for an 'accident' that would force our hand and decide for us." — P.Y.
More from CafeMom: Quiz: How Many Kids Can You Handle
A Dealbreaker, Then a Compromise
"When I met my husband, he didn't want to have kids. I told him that was a deal breaker for me, and he asked to give him a chance.
"Fast-forward seven years, he's so happy as a dad to our 3-year-old, and would have been thrilled to stop at one child. I always wanted a big family, but respect that for him two is a stretch. So two it is (second due in May)." — E.S.
Tabled for Now
"I have always wanted a big family. Jeff, like with most things in our life, needs a little nudge before he comes around. Our life is kind of crazy at the moment, but we aren't ready to say that we are done forever.
"So for now, we have agreed to enjoy the three amazing, insane little beings that we have and we'll come back to it once the baby is in school." — E.L.
One and Done (but Still Fighting)
"I never wanted kids. My husband wants at least a couple. We fought about this before we were married and we compromised that we'd have at least one. I think he suspects that I'll change my mind once we have a kid.
"I'm pregnant now and it feels weird and unnatural. I never want to do this to my body again. I'm 99 percent sure I'm one and done. I think we'll have some more fights about this in the future." — S.F.
Your Turn!
"My wife and I have two kids. I carried both of them. She'd like to have one more child. I'm not willing to go through all the work of getting and being pregnant again. But I'm okay with one more child — if SHE is the one to carry it this time around.
"So far she hasn't been willing to do that, so we're kind of in limbo about it. I'm just waiting to see if her desire to have another is stronger than her lack of interest in being pregnant." — N.K.
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Keeping Our Options Open
"My husband thinks that we are done. I am not so sure. My hope is with time he will be open to it! Maybe in a couple years. I think he would if I stopped working but I don't see that happening for a few years.
"Right now with us both [working] full-time and in demanding positions, it's a lot having two, and both [are] still at pretty dependent ages. But I'm not willing to say we are done just yet." — R.W.
Time to Move On
"My husband and I are in the midst of a separation that looks like it will end in divorce. Part of the reason is that I want more kids (we have two) and he doesn't. It isn't so much that he doesn't but that he has been a jerk about the whole thing. It is a symptom of a larger lack of respect he has for me.
"Right now I want to get divorced, find someone who treats me better, and have some more babies." — M.E.
