My four-year-old twins go to a private preschool that feeds into a K-8. They love it — they color pictures for their classmates after they get home each day, and play school on the weekends and over holiday breaks. The one time we ran into their teacher at the grocery store they reacted the same way I did when I saw N*Sync in concert at 13. But even though they're thriving in their program, I'm quick to change them out of their uniforms after school and shy to talk about where they go to school when meeting new parents. Why? Because everyone loves to hate the private school family.
The first time I realized it was better for our social lives if we didn't go out of our way to tell people where our boys when to school was only a couple months after they started preschool. I was at their first karate class, excited to see them try a new hobby and hoping to meet some new mom friends. I started chatting with another mom whose son was in class with my own.
At first the conversation was great — she was down to earth, funny, had a contraband Starbucks cup in her hand despite the clear No Food or Drinks sign on display — all the makings of a good friend. But as soon as I answered her question about where my boys went to preschool, her entire demeanor changed. "Well I went to public schools in this town and I turned out just fine," she said to me, her eyebrows raised slightly. I told her the truth — that the public preschool was only part time, and our private school was a full day program, which was better for my work schedule. She silently sipped her coffee. Desperate to keep the conversation flowing, I asked her what she did for work. "I'm a teacher," she said. "At the public middle school." Beyond a polite hello, we don't talk anymore.
I've gotten the same chilly reception when I tell other parents where my kids attend school. I'll strike up a conversation at the library or the park only to have things turn awkward once the topic of "What school do they go to?" comes up.
Part of me gets why. Even though I'm wearing the same worn leggings and messy bun as you, you hear "private school" and you automatically think that my family is filthy rich and elitist, and that we probably think we're better than everyone else. But I'm here to tell you that none of that is even close to the truth (though I wish the filthy rich part was.)
More from CafeMom: Scientist Want to Ban Glitter — Can I Get a Hell Yes?
It's not exactly polite to talk about money, but since it's the elephant in the room when it comes to private school, I'll start there. Sure, there are schools where parents drive luxury cars and moms are rocking couture at drop off, but my school, and more importantly my family, doesn't fall into that category.
Tuition is a significant expense, but many private schools offer scholarships and financial aid to students. As for us, we sacrifice in other areas in order cover the costs. We don't have cable or a landline phone, and we budget our household expenses carefully. (Seriously — my idea of splurging is getting the Dove shampoo over the Suave). We choose to live in a small condo over a larger home to cut down on housing expenses. I plan my errands around town carefully so as not to waste gas. Little things can add up, and somehow we manage to make the monthly payments. It's not that we have money to burn, it's just that we'd rather use it on our sons' schooling than buy a smart TV.
Sending my kids to private school isn't about being an elitist either. My family doesn't think we're better than anyone else, and we don't believe we deserve special treatment. And for the record, I live in a part of the country where the public schools are, in fact, very good. I've worked as a substitute teacher in my town's public school system, and the children in those schools are thriving.
So then why do I send my kids to their tiny private school? Partially because it's a tradition. Both my husband and I attended private Catholic schools as kids. We're not very religious now, and we don't agree with all of the teachings of the Catholic church, but we have fond memories of our own childhood friendships and think there's value in the morals we were taught as kids. We're not against our boys learning those same biblical stories, even if they grow up to form their own opinions about God or organized religion. Does this make me a fantical religious private school freak? I'm gonna say no.
Also, private school can be amazing for kids who need a little extra attention but don't qualify for services under federal programing. One of my sons is high energy and always on the go, but not to the point where he warrants a diagnosis of ADHD (at least not now). He's also eager to learn and loves to please. In the larger public preschool setting, I fear that his high energy might be interpreted as disobedience, that his joy and enthusiam for school could turn to frustration before he even learns to read. The smaller class size in his private school serves him well because he's able to get more individualized attention and I'm able to have a close relationship with the teacher so we can work togther to help him have a successful year. That doesn't make me an elitist, that makes me a mom who's chosing an educational envionment which will best set her child, and his unique personality, up for success.
My other son is extremely shy, to the point where he'll bury himself in my shirt and sob when he's unsure of his surroundings out in public. Our small private school works well for him, too. He feels more confident knowing the older students by name and recently gathered up the courage to sing in front of the school alongside his brother. Again, choosing private school over public isn't a matter of thinking my kids are better than anyone else. It's recognizing that they have personality traits and educational needs that might not be met in a public school setting, and taking the steps I can to try and address that.
My boys are still learning how to count to 100, so we're years away from serious math homework, but I do think about what they'll be learning in elementary school. I've heard parent friends and teacher friends alike lament the Common Core curriculum — how an attempt to ensure all children recieve the same base of knowledge has turned into an endless cycle of tests, papers, and super complicated math equations not even parents can solve. Under Federal law, private schools aren't required to follow Common Core, so their teachers can focus more on teaching children what they're interested in and fostering a joy of learning rather than what they need to know to pass a test. Having my child learn at their own pace and in their own way rather than following some government mandate appeals to me as a mom who wants her kids to enjoy school. That might make me anti-common core, but not an elitist.
The final ugly assumption that people make when they hear the words "private school" is that my family is racist. Thanks to years of systemic oppression, minorities historically lack the funds and resources to send their children to private schools. I don't enjoy that aspect of private school , and I won't make excuses for it. The truth is I'm a white woman who lives in a community that is overwhelmingly white, and even if my children did attend the local public school, they'd be in classrooms with kids whose skin mostly matches their own. There are minorities in their school, at a rate that's proportionate to minorities within our community. I can understand the argument that private schools lack diversity, but no, I'm not sending my kids to private school as a way of isolating them from cultures other than our own.
And even if my children were in a classroom filled with kids of all different backgrounds and religions, I don't think it's the job of anyone else, especially not other children, to do the emotional labor of educating my child about race and culture. That's on me as a parent. Through the conversations we have about Native Americans and heroes like Rosa Parks, the books we read and the example I'm modeling for them, I'm teaching my children about our nation's history and what it means to be kind, compassionate, and tolerant.
More from CafeMom: I Had the Sex Talk With My 6-Year-Old & I Have No Regrets
School choice is just that — a choice. I'm happy to still pay taxes to support the public school system even if my kids don't attend it. But deciding on a different educational path for my kids by way of private school doesn't make me a snooty asshole. I'm just a mom trying to give my kids the best tools I can to support their unique educational needs. Don't @ me for it.
