New parents spend an excessive amount of time selecting the perfect newborn photo for their birth announcement that goes out to family and friends. I know this, because I was one of them. I had my heart set on an adorable image of my newborn baby smiling joyfully while looking directly into the camera lens. Needless to say, this did not happen. Hours and many tears later (from both the baby and me), I came to realize that those perfect birth announcement examples we see online don’t come about easily. Here are eight things an honest birth announcement would say:
1. His head is pointy.
He's wearing that cute hat in the photo because sometimes babies get squished during delivery, and his head looks really freaking scary right now. We are honestly a bit worried that it will never go back to a normal shape. Please send reassurance.
2. Apparently kids get acne way before their teenage years.
The photo isn’t in black and white because we’re artistic. It’s because we are trying to hide the fact that our baby’s skin is splotchy and covered in giant pimples. No one told us this could happen. In lieu of gifts, please send Noxzema.
3. She’s smiling in this photo because she just took a giant poop.
It turns out newborns don't wait for bathroom breaks. It was everywhere. We almost ran out of baby wipes. Be glad this card is not 4D because the stink was intense.
4. She's only sleeping in this photo because she was up all night screaming.
Looks like she finally exhausted herself. This photo might end up as historic evidence of the one time our kid actually slept. Please help.
5. Add siblings at your own risk.
Don’t be fooled by the angelic older sibling. The first three shots were of strangleholds followed by two attempted smotherings. We called it a day after big brother tried to roll the baby off the bench. This is going to get ugly.
6. Our fur baby does not like the new human.
The dog spends most of the day barking at us while we care for the baby and whining from jealousy. The only reason we captured this image is because there was a dog treat taped to the camera.
7. In retrospect, removing the diaper was a mistake.
We had to add the bucket in this photo to catch all of the free-flowing urine. See that beautiful white blanket? It became a yellow blanket during the course of this photo shoot. If you're the person who gave it to us, sorry.
8. I may have birthed an extraterrestrial.
We know he looks like a squishy alien, but so do all babies. He'll grow out of it! (We think.) In the meantime, please hang this birth announcement up on the fridge and pretend that this is the cutest baby you’ve ever seen. No pressure.
