Did you guys grow up with or, let’s be real, currently wirth with a “one-upper?” You know the type: You ran a 5-mile race, they did 10. You baked cookies for your kid’s bake sale — they whipped up cookies and brownies.
The concept isn’t a new one — people’s natural competitiveness comes out to play in any situation involving a power dynamic. But since I became a mother, I feel like the one-upping has taken a weird and dark turn. Instead of boasting about our accomplishments, everyone wears their struggles like badges of honor to lord over other people’s heads. I feel like I'm competing in an unending game of the Struggle Olympics.
I see it in droves online.
Instagram, Twitter, — in Facebook mommy groups specifically. A frustrated, tired, and exhausted mom will reach her wits' end and will perhaps choose to vent into the void about how hard it is. Within 30 seconds there are a million responses to the tune of:
"Honey if you think THAT’S bad, just wait until…"
Or:
"Haha that’s nothing, I dealt with etc, etc…"
The way people act is "everyone’s got a story, and in comparison, yours proves that you’re just being weak."
What the hell happened to empathy?
I cannot tell you the number of times I warily opened up about my struggles navigating motherhood, only to be dismissed and deflated.
What right did I have to complain that my newborn son wasn’t sleeping when Suzy’s toddler once woke her up 14 times in a single evening? Or how could I dare to feel frustration that my kid won’t eat, no matter what formula I give him, when Barbara's little Timmy once went on a hunger strike for three days? Who was I to think I knew anything about struggle?
There seems to be this notion that because there is a top tier of struggling, that no one else is allowed to feel their feelings.
But the truth is, your harsh reality doesn’t eradicate mine.
No matter what you have gone through, it doesn’t negate what I am going through. And if your need to tell me you struggled harder is rooted in a quest to just make me “thankful” for my situation, the power of perspective isn’t necessarily applicable here. Whatever you’ve endured during your journey through parenthood, it doesn’t absolve me of my struggles. I don’t sleep better at night knowing it will get worse or could be worse now.
I’m not saying you should lie to people, or even baby them, I’m saying you should pick your teachable moment a little more delicately.
We haven’t all made it this far in life without knowing a challenge could be lurking behind every corner.
Perhaps the newborn phase won’t be the hardest when I look back on it all. Maybe it will be the toddler years, or teen years. Heck maybe it’ll be the college years. I often reflect on my own life with a “If I knew then what I know now” point of view — but I always remind myself that at the time, those feelings I felt were real and they were valid.
When someone opens up about the hard time their having, you really shouldn’t resent them for not knowing what lies ahead. How could they?
Instead of belittling, perhaps you could simply say "that sucks" and invite that mom friend out for a margarita?
And when she's done unloading her stress, unload yours, without any commentary. This way you can bond over mutual bitching and empathy, rather than competing over who has it worse.
After all there is nothing tequila and a little help from your friends can’t solve.
