I don't know how funny anyone will find this — and to be honest, I don't know how funny I find it right now. But unfortunate, poo-related stories are my favorite…
Today started with me having my hair done by my lovely hairdresser again because my partner said my hair looks "really nice" (I originally had it done yesterday) while comparing it to Rogue from X-Men… So off I went to change it ASAP even though… "What?!" … he liked it…
I then went on to spend $72 on flea treatment for the dog.
I was adamant that my whole house had turned into a flea-ridden kennel and all the children were going to to be bitten so badly they would be scarred for life. To then find out I am a d*ckhead and the shaking is because of something with his ears not imaginary fleas.
So emergency vet appointment booked — Off we all go! Three kids, a man-size kid, and a flea-free dog. Just for the vet to tell me that all is good and basic drops will do it. Hmm. Thank you for coming; $86 please.
While I finished up paying with my son, my husband and my girls went next door to Aldi and we were all going to meet back in the car.
Just as we were getting into the car, I think: Oh God! I shout to my 11-year-old son, "Quick, does Aldi have a toilet? I'm going to crap myself!"
Desperately not sh*tting myself while holding the dog outside, I watch while my son plods around happily looking for the toilet. I can't. It's impossible.
I grab the wipes from the car (with only two left in the pack) and go to run as my boy finally walks out of the store. "Quick, quick!" I shout while running through the parking lot, up the side of Aldi, and into some (very small) bushes.
I then throw the dog at my son.
And I sh*t... I sh*t myself outside at 5:30 p.m. on a Monday night at a shopping center while my son watches on...
He's probably now scarred for f*cking life with me shouting, "Don't draw attention!" as cyclists ride on by and a truck is parked only feet away. I clean myself (thank god for wipes) and walk briskly back to the car just as my partner comes out with my girls from Aldi.
They have missed it all.
Visibly shaken, I say to everyone, "Get in the car, get in the car NOW, Fast. The worst thing in my life has just happened."
I'm silent. My partner is panicked and asks, "What, what has happened?!"
"My son has just watched his mother sh*tting in the street, Sean!"
To which he replies, "But there is a toilet inside…." (It turns out that he and the girls had been in Aldi… using the bathrooms…)
To which my son jumps in, "I know! I found it but when I went to tell her, she started shouting run!"
So I am home, now unable to look my boy in eye and ready to wash the shame off.
And of course, I get ready to clean myself up on to find that my 4-year-old daughter has hidden the plug so I can't even take a bath. After an hour of looking, still no plug so a makeshift lid with masking tape it is!
And that my friends is motherhood with IBS — I hope your day was better than mine!
This post was written by an anonymous mom.
