Every kid wants to hit up the "good" houses on Halloween night. You know the ones I'm talking about — the houses that give out the coveted full-sized candy bars instead of just the mini ones. Not that anyone would ever turn their nose up to a fun-size pack of M&Ms, but let's be real: The full-sized bars are where it's at. And it seems one resident in Rancho Cucamonga, California, takes this very seriously. The anonymous neighbor recently penned a hilarious Halloween candy rant on Facebook, and people are cry-laughing it's so good.
The post first appeared in a neighborhood watch group, apparently to warn the community of a "cheap candy" infiltration.
On October 3, a screen grab of the post was shared on the Twitter account Best of Next Door, which blurred out the username — and people can hardly get enough.
The testy neighbor begins the message by warning the group that Halloween is a few measly weeks away, and "I was hoping to catch you call before you make your candy selections."
The anonymous poster continued to explain that over the past couple of years, he or she has taken notice that "candy stock has become more and more diluted with cheap candy." Even though the person isn't sure if the trend "is the result of higher bills or even new constructions," the person is sure that "cheap candy has somehow infiltrated our community and it has to stop."
It's at this point that the person gets right down to business, calling out the sweets that don't meet the standards of an "affluent community."
"Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers may be suitable for Ontario, Fontana, and even Montclair," the rant continued, "but NOT here in Rancho Cucamonga!"
You hear that, people? Only HIGH CLASS candies belong in Cucamonga!
"We are an affluent neighborhood and this status should be reflected in our candy provisions for Halloween," the poster continued.
The person then assured neighbors that if they've already purchased fun-size candy bars, there was no need to return them. (Phew.)
"Just keep in mind that 4-6 of those fun-size bars equate to a standard bar when you doll out that candy to trick or treaters," the post continued. "And please, for God's sake, leave those Peep candies alone. No one, I mean NO ONE, wants those terrible marshmallow tragedies."
(HEAVEN FORBID.)
If you thought it would stop there, I regret to inform you that you are dead wrong.
Next, the poster came for the elders of the community (because clearly no one was safe from this neighbor's wrath).
"For the elderly who like to hand out coins," the person continued, "unless you plan on throwing some quarters into the mix, stop peddling your pennies and step up your game this Halloween."
(You hear that, Grandma and Grandpa? Better GET WITH IT.)
"It's a calculated loss to the trick or treaters after you adjust for inflation and the opportunity cost of what they could have received elsewhere if they had just skipped your house," the post concluded.
Of course, people immediately lost it over the dramatic candy tirade.
"Candy Karen is not having it anymore with these weak-(expletive) selections when she steals her kids’ Halloween loot!" one person joked in the thread.
"Someone’s house is gonna get TP'd this year," another added.
"Ah yes, who could forget every Halloween afternoon as a kid spent planning the best route?" a third person said. "Determining calculated loss, opportunity costs, and adjusting for inflation … really getting in to the spirit of the season."
But some people suspected there might be a different culprit to blame ...
"Sounds like the neighborhood kids got together to send a message," one person joked in the comments.
"The person writing this is three children in a trench coat that has named itself Karen," another reasoned.
Of course, everyone's entitled to have candy preferences, but come on — demanding that people spend more on Halloween, just to meet the arbitrary standards you've set in your own home? Give me a break! Everyone (and I do mean everyone) loves a full-sized candy bar, but when you multiply that by every kid in the neighborhood … well, that's one pricey Halloween.
Sounds like Karen needs to take a chill pill. (Or eat one of her own full-sized Snickers bars — that'll cheer her up.)
