As exciting as it is to learn you're expecting multiples, the truth is, it can also be a little scary. Not only does it magnify the amount of emotional and physical exhaustion you'll be under, but it also increases the financial burdens of bringing a child into the world. Pregnancies of more than one baby also put you in the high-risk category, which can create complications not just for your babies, but also for you. These are all the worries one mom on Reddit is currently grappling with, after learning she's unexpectedly carrying triplets. Unsure she and her husband can take on another three babies when they are already parents to one, she's considering the option of reducing her pregnancy — even though her husband is dead-set against it.
To say the triplet news was a surprise would be an understatement.
The embryos were conceived naturally, the anonymous mom explained in her post, as opposed to in vitro fertilization, which has a higher rate of multiple births.
But now, she's concerned about the future — particularly because she and her husband have tried carefully to plan ahead to make parenthood manageable.
"We have a 5-year-old daughter who just started school and intentionally spaced out the pregnancies to avoid having two kids in full-time childcare at once, as I would be going back to work after my six months of maternity leave," she explained. "Childcare is basically a second mortgage in our country so we wanted to avoid having two sets of childcare fees."
Her concerns are understandable, particularly if she lives in a country like the United States, where child care costs continue to skyrocket.
Altogether, these reasons have led her to wonder whether reducing the amount of embryos now, early on in her pregnancy, might be for the best.
But after broaching the topic with her husband, it doesn't seem like he's on board.
"My husband is opposed to it because he feels it is wrong to 'pick and choose,' even though we wouldn’t be doing it by gender," she explained, adding that it's "too early to tell anyway and even if it wasn't, the doctor would just do the reduction the way he feels is the best way to do it."
Complicating the matter even more is the fact that her husband is already excited about the possibility of multiples, and having a large family.
"He always wanted four kids," the mom explained, whereas she "wanted to be 'one and done.'"
Their compromise was to cap things at two kids. But now … that plan seems like it's been thrown out the window.
"It took me a while to warm up to having another baby, but three?" she wrote. "I don't want three more babies!"
With three more babies, the logistics of everyday life become undeniably trickier, which is something the mom finds overwhelming right now.
Especially since she'll be the primary caregiver most days.
"[My husband] out-earns me significantly and his job has better benefits, so he will be the working parent," she continued. "With three babies, I’d have to quit working until they started school."
The mom feels it's "easy" for her husband to be excited about having three more babies, since he won't be the one who's carrying them.
(And let's be real, being pregnant with three babies for nine long months is a pretty grueling physical feat.)
But there are other issues at play here, too, that the mom just can't seem to shake.
"He is [also] not the one who will have to stop working for five years until they are in full-time school," she continued. "He is not the one who will be doing the vast majority of childcare duties and day-to-day wrangling of the babies, not the one who will have to breastfeed three babies, etc. etc. etc."
A preterm labor is also another worry, she added.
"I also know from talking to the doctors that three babies will be born early and there are risks with health for them there and the chances of carrying to 36 weeks are stronger," she concluded. "I'd rather have a healthy baby than three with health problems."
Again, all of these concerns are valid, but it was at this point that the mom finally got to her real question at hand ...
… and that's where Redditors started getting a bit uncomfortable.
Is she in the wrong, the mom asked, if she decided to selectively reduce her pregnancy, but not tell her husband?
Instead, she shared that she wants to "let him believe we lost two of the babies (which is common) naturally?"
The question is a biggie — mostly because it's very layered, and also involves … well, deceiving your spouse about a pretty major decision.
As a result, most Redditors strongly frowned upon the mom's plan to lie.
One commenter point-blank told her she was in the wrong — "not for selectively reducing (I won't make a judgment on that), but for considering doing it without telling your husband."
"Could you honestly live with yourself if you lied to him about something like this?" the user asked.
Plenty of other users agreed.
"You need to talk to your husband," another person urged. "You can’t just lie to him about this. Think of the grief he will feel for suddenly losing two of his children. Are you going to fake your side of the suffering to keep him from getting suspicious? Can you live your whole life with that lie?"
Honestly, that is something she needs to consider, when weighing her decision to keep the truth from her spouse.
Instead, the user had a simple prescription for remedying her situation: "Therapy. Communication. Now."
In an update to the post, the anonymous mom attempted to clarify her reasons for keeping the reduction a secret.
"The reason I want to tell him it was a miscarriage is fear he will retaliate by telling my super religious (Catholic) parents who will never speak to me again and will withdraw the help they give us with our daughter now," she wrote.
Still, others pointed out that the husband would likely discover the truth anyway.
And the blowback from that would likely be huge.
"I think he would be suspicious no matter how well she fakes it," one person wrote. "They've already talked about it, and then suddenly she magically, mysteriously gets what she wanted? There's no way that doesn't go badly."
"I thought of that, too," someone else chimed in. "You talk about wanting to reduce to one, him saying no, and then the universe 'magically' provides that outcome anyway? Probably not the most believable story. I get that having multiples is high-risk and exactly this thing happens often, but … ehhhh. I’d wonder what’s up for sure."
But the most powerful bit of advice came from a mom who's been through something similar.
"I reduced quads to twins if you need some perspective from someone who has been there," the woman wrote. "I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's some of the most heart-wrenching stuff a human can go through and I feel for you and your husband as you step into this unknown."
That said, she gave it to the mom pretty straight.
"I just want to let you know there is absolutely no way you can hide a reduction," she continued. "It takes your body minimally nine weeks to reabsorb the tissue from the reduced fetus(es), so they will show up in future ultrasounds. It's honestly very traumatizing to see some shrinking as others grow. Your ultrasound technician will know exactly what happened and will keep track of the absorbing to make sure there is no calcification or scarring. It does NOT look the same as a miscarriage. When reductions happen in the cycle is a very non-typical time for a natural abortion by the body anyway."
Wise words that the mom will hopefully think long and hard about before she makes her final decision. Because whatever she decides to do, it's clear that lying to her husband is probably not the best avenue to take — and definitely a course that may do more harm than good in the end.
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