As a Mom & ER Nurse on the Front Lines, Your Biggest Fear Is My Reality

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This essays was submitted anonymously by an ER nurse on the front lines. It's been edited for length and clarity by Lauren Gordon.

My biggest fear, every day, is that myself, my husband, or my 7-month-old baby will die.

I am scared and as an ER nurse, not much scares me. I laugh at contact precautions for MRSA, because I’ve been caring for that person for hours. Flu positive — they've coughed in my face in triage, where I’m not allowed to wear a mask for fear of alarming patients. I can tell you what we’ll do if you come to my ER with belly pain, and I can specify based on the “quadrant” and whether you’re puking, pooping, menstruating, or not. I'm confident in my job, and good at it. 

But this? I’m at a loss for this.

I remember hearing about COVID-19 when it first appeared in China.

In fact, I distinctly remember a news report talking about people eating bats, and an image of a girl holding one up and smiling for the camera. I was still naive then, not really understanding the severity of what was going on in China. The end of February is when it began to change for me. 

I’ll be honest, I don’t watch the news too often as I feel like a lot of things are sensationalized, so I wasn’t seeing the constant reports of the spread of COVID-19. I knew it was spreading, I knew it was in other countries and that there was a quarantined cruise ship. I just don’t like a constant barrage of these stories so I wasn’t paying close attention. I would go to Target or the grocery store just for my regular shopping, and things would be out of stock. I specifically remember going to Target to pick up formula, and there were only 2 boxes of the brand we use left. The lockdowns don’t scare me — it’s the thought of not being able to feed my baby that scares me, because people hoard things. When the lockdowns started I was kind of hopeful that maybe this would blow over, but over the last few weeks people have continued to disappoint me with their blasé attitudes toward what is going on.

You know, nurses in the ER, we’re a little different than other healthcare workers.

We’re a little rough around the edges. To deal with the things we do, we sometimes joke about things in ways that may seem a little crass. Right now, we’re not joking, we’re scared. Most of us are staying up to date on what is going on, we’re paying attention to the stories from other countries, we may know people in other states that have been hit harder than we have been so far, and we’re scared.

We’ve had COVID-19 positive patients cross our paths, and it is scary thinking about whether or not we were exposed.

Were we wearing proper and enough personal protective equipment? PPE? After a few shifts working with my 1 allotted mask for the day, I’ve decided that I am going to now spend 13 hours on my feet not eating or drinking. Why? Because taking on and off the same dirty mask puts me at risk of inhaling COVID-19 droplets that may have landed on my mask. I have an infant at home I need to think about and protect. So, to still help others but also protect my family, I’ve made the decision to forgo food & nutrition for 13 hours while working because I can’t get a new mask. And it might be in vain because I may have already been exposed. 

But this is the choice I’ve made to try to protect my family because of all the politics that are involved in health care. I’ve become more jaded in these past few weeks than I’ve been in my entire nursing career. Those at the top, who sit in their offices and don’t deal with patient care, they don’t seem to care about those of us that are actually at risk. It’s all about politics and money. And it makes me angry. It’s just more evidence that healthcare in America needs a HUGE overhaul.

I see a lot of people saying we signed up for this coming into health care -- no, we didn’t.

The importance of PPE and the proper use of PPE (which includes new PPE for each patient each time you enter the room, or if it becomes soiled!) has been drilled into us for years. 

We did NOT sign up to be on the front lines of a pandemic with inadequate supplies, being told to use them improperly. 

I did NOT sign up for that. Not at all. It’s an absolute disgrace.

This is not a joke.

It’s not ok to go and hang out with your friends, or go to the beach, or visit family. You don’t know who has been exposed. You don’t know if you are an asymptomatic carrier. 

Please. 

PLEASE stay home. This is not just affecting older people; young people are dying. Health care workers are getting sick, and having a depleted workforce means worse outcomes for all patients.

My drives home from work are full of tears.

I cry while driving home thinking about my infant having to see me on a vent or not, because they might not be available. I’ve pretty much stopped functioning at home in lieu of snuggles because they might be the last snuggles of my life.

Be thankful for each day you get to spend with your family, because every single day I cry thinking it might be the last day I get to spend with mine.