Becoming parents or even adding to the family can test relationships with your own parents. For the first time, you're the one setting the rules and boundaries, and for some new grandparents these limits are tough to deal with. Ultimately, though, what mom and dad of the newest familial addition say goes.
Unless of course you're a know-it-all MIL, evidently. That's exactly what one freshly postpartum mom is dealing with when she discovered her MIL lied abut getting immunizations.
The mom just had her second healthy (but early) baby due to preeclampsia.
Being that he's having issues breastfeeding, mom is rightly nervous about his immune system because he isn't getting the maximum benefits of breast milk.
"The pediatrician recommended waiting 6 weeks if breastfeeding so he'd at least have the full advantage of my immunities that can pass through breast milk," wrote the mom in a Reddit thread.
"The pediatrician and my OB also recommended that everyone around the baby get at least a DTAP and flu shot. This was the deal with our first kid too. They specifically told us that the DTAP would need a booster if it was 3 more more years since they'd gotten the shot. Our first kid is 4 and a 1/2 and everyone said they got a DTAP when she was born, but not in the mean time. Meaning everyone needed a booster."
When the mom broke the news to the grandparents, she got a few different reactions.
"Bio-dad via text 'roger roger. I'll get that done tomorrow,' step-mom 'I can't wait to meet him. Hopefully we don't have to wait that long but it's not about me. Obviously we just want what's best for you and baby. Please let us know if there's more we can do,'" the mom said.
But the tune changed when she spoke to her husband's bio-mom and her husband. "Step-dad ::::silence::::: and biomom: 'WHAT?!?!? YOURE SAYING THAT IM NOT GOING TO MEET HIM?!?!' Followed by crying, door slamming, and a quick exit."
Considering the current health crisis, the mom persisted.
"Before she left I clarified that I didn't know what the timing would be but at the very least she needed to get her shots before seeing baby and DH and I needed time to figure out how we'd best protect," she wrote.
"In subsequent conversations she says she doesn't want the flu shot because it makes her sick and doesn't believe she needs her DTAP because she got it before my daughter was born. I explained while it's true that adults usually only get dtap every 10 years that it's recommended to be every three if you're in close contact with infants, so she'll need a booster. I ignored her [expletitive] about the flu shot."
The family caved on letting people visit early, but insisted on N95 masks and making them wash with hospital grade soap before seeing the baby.
"MIL tells my husband that she's current on her TDAP, as is her husband and kids so they're coming over," the mom went on to explain. "She comes and has a fit that she's being screened at the door, pushes past my husband 'give me a break, like I'd come if I was sick' and snatches up the baby. My husband fails to insist on the N95's because everyone has fabric masks, but does get them to all wash with the good soap."
The dad cracked down about the mask, continuing to insist on it being worn correctly, despite the incessant complaining and whining from the MIL.
Two days later, the mom learned neither her MIL nor her family got the boosters and told other family members she and her husband were acting "crazy."
"I'm so, so angry because I was very clear and specific that she needed this booster and then she told DH [Dear Husband] she's 'current' which she knows is a half truth at best," she wrote. "Bad mouthing me to the family is annoying enough but [expletive] on my clearly established boundaries needs to get shut down."
Now the mom wants to know how she should handle it. Should she give them a warning or totally ban them altogether?
People were, of course, offended on her behalf and even helped draft letters for the mom to send to her "direspectful" in-laws
"Good grief," wrote one reader. "What is it about baby rabid Grandma's and their inability to see past 'mmmyyyyy gggrrraaanndddbbaaaaabbbyyyy.' She deliberately put your child at risk to satisfy her wants. Here is the message you send:
"Dear MIL. It has been brought to my attention that you misinformed us about getting your tdap and flu vaccinations. You put our infant at risk when they are extremely vulnerable. If you wish to see baby again you will need to provide proof of the above vaccinations and that you have quarantined for 2 weeks."
Other reassured her she wasn't overreacting.
"Your baby had special circumstances to worry about making them even more vulnerable," validated another reader. "What kind of grandmother is she if she can't respect you trying to protect your baby? Keep the baby away until you're sure you can protect it and she can play nice. An email is a great idea because you can lay out exactly why you wanted it done that way and the danger she put your baby in by ignoring you."
Hopefully this mom can set boundaries that are respected.
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