TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains information about miscarriage and infant loss, which may be triggering to some.
Navigating a miscarriage and the psychological and physical scars that come with it is no doubt challenging and heartbreaking for everyone involved. But a man on Reddit recently chronicled clueless missteps that illustrate how not to react to a partner's pregnancy loss. Even though she just faced a truly traumatizing experience, he expected his girlfriend to move on after just a week.
The original poster (OP) said he and his girlfriend are planning a future together.
"She is the woman I want to spend my life with," the 25-year-old, who noted that his partner is 21, wrote in the Am I the A–hole subreddit forum. "I'm planning on proposing at Christmas. We talked early on about kids and she told me that due to severe endometriosis and a few other reproductive area issues she was essentially infertile."
That's fine with him "since I don't really want kids, and she says she doesn't either," he wrote. "She had an awful childhood and has always been very against the idea of having kids. She has an IUD to manage the endometriosis, and it makes her not have periods. Because of her illnesses and the IUD, we never used condoms after we got STD tested."
A week before he took to Reddit, the OP said he woke up in the middle of the night to find his girlfriend sobbing in the bathroom.
He detailed the heart-wrenching sight of his girlfriend curled up in the bathtub, bloody and "holding what was left of the fetus in her hands."
He wrote that he got her cleaned up and put her to bed and held her while she cried all night. "We went to the doctor the next day, and they confirmed she had been about 10 weeks pregnant and she had miscarried."
"I get that it was traumatic, but she has just stayed in bed since it happened," the OP shared.
"I've been trying to get her to eat and go for walks and do fun things like movies to distract her but she tells me to go away," he lamented.
"I even told her that if she was sad because she wanted children we could adopt or use a surrogate because I love her enough that I would even have kids for her. Finally, I sat down and told her she needed to move on. It wasn't like she had even known she was pregnant and she didn't want the baby anyway, so why was she making herself sick over it?"
After that insensitive, clueless passage, the OP clarified in an edit that he didn't say those exact words to his girlfriend.
"What I told her was that we have to keep going even when we don't want to and that she had to do things like eat and shower and change her clothes (she literally has not done any of those things since it happened), because she was literally wasting away in front of me and that shutting down was not going to make it better or make it hurt less," he noted. "At some point in the spiral, you have to dig in your heels and decide to go on."
He also defended himself by saying he was "literally by her side the whole week."
"She screamed at me, called me a heartless bastard, and kicked me out," he recalled. "I've been sleeping on the couch at a friend's house since then. My friend's girlfriend says I should have been more understanding, but it's not like the baby was even alive and she never wanted kids and didn't even know she was pregnant, so it's not like she had a chance to bond with it or anything."
He asked the Reddit community to weigh in on whether or not he is the a–hole in this situation, and you can only imagine the response.
"She went through something physically, emotionally, and psychologically traumatizing," noted one commenter.
"You sound like you don't empathize with her at all, and she was right to call you heartless," the person continued. "She needs time, therapy, and understanding. Not to be coldly told to move on."
Another pointed out, "A week is not enough time to recover physically. A week is not enough time to recover emotionally. A week is not enough to get to grips with a surprise pregnancy and a surprise miscarriage, apparently without your support."
"Something that helped me after I miscarried in somewhat traumatic fashion was change," a third person commented. "Your girlfriend is probably suffering from a lot of trauma and flashbacks of that night. My husband completely redecorated our bathroom after the second, because I refused to step foot in it and planted a small memorial tree, and I think it was one of the kindest things he's ever done for me."
Upon reading the responses, the OP admitted that he was absolutely wrong.
"I wholeheartedly accept that I am the a–hole here," he shared in the update. "I didn't intend to be, but that doesn't make it OK. Someone commented that I'm being selfish, because I just want to make her better, and they are right. … I had no idea how painful it is or that it sometimes takes weeks to finish miscarrying. I'm horrified and I wish I could take back everything I said."
He explained that he planned to apologize and make sure that his girlfriend is "taken care of."
"I know she probably won't forgive me, and that's OK, I just want to avoid hurting her any further," the OP wrote. "The way I acted was inexcusable, and I don't expect her to want to be with me anymore, but regardless, I don't want her to be alone."
No matter what transpires, as one commenter pointed out, this traumatic event is a "huge turning point" in this relationship.
"All you can do is be there for her whether she wants you to or not, because you are committed through h— or high water," the Redditor shared, encouraging the OP to show his girlfriend that.
"Go see a therapist, or a medical doctor, h— even just a trusted friend or relative to help you navigate all these feelings," the person suggested. "Technically it's your loss too. Lots of love to you both."
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