Overcoming the distrust that comes with infidelity is never easy, but there's even more to tackle when a child results from the affair. A Redditor recently took to the forum to explain that after his wife cheated on him and ended up pregnant with a son, he opted to be an uncle-like figure for the boy. But because she's nudging him to adopt, the original poster (OP) has decided to walk away.
The OP identified himself as a 27-year-old man whose wife is 26.
He explained on Reddit's Am I the A–hole subreddit that they used to have a "wonderful relationship," but "five years ago, she got drunk, had a one night stand, and got pregnant from it."
He noted, "Can't be mine, I can't have kids due to a horseback riding injury when I was a teen. Didn't get the guys name, no way to find him, so he's out of the picture. My wife decided to keep it, and we almost went through a divorce, but couples therapy made us decide to try again. We're still in therapy now, since I still have a hard time trusting her."
After she had her son, the couple talked about it, and the OP said he made it clear he would be OK with becoming a stepparent.
But he wasn't willing to fully be the child's father.
"I wouldn't adopt him, but I would help raise him and get him off to college," wrote the OP. "My wife agreed to this, became a stay at home mom so she could take care of him with help from her parents, and I've pretty much been the fun uncle-like guy.
"I play with him, buy him games, try my best to not resent him (and I am in therapy for this), and mostly just stay out of the way of my wife's parenting. He even calls me 'Uncle,' instead of dad. He knows I'm not his father, and is just happy to play video games with me and chill."
Recently, the OP's wife started talking to him about adoption.
He reiterated that's something he's "not willing to do."
"I made it clear that if anything happened, he would go live with her parents, and I'd send child support," noted the OP. "If they couldn't take him, I wouldn't put him in foster care or anything, but I also wasn't willing to take on the responsibility of being his father when I'm not. I'm happy being an Uncle to another man's kid, since that's what life threw at me."
He said his wife has been "greatly upset" by the situation.
"She's trying to find a way to force me into adopting him. She's even been manipulating the poor kid, saying he should start calling me dad instead of uncle like he has his entire life, which is upsetting and confusing the poor boy," he wrote.
"This situation has worked for the last 5 years, and I don't know why she's trying to change something that isn't broken, or force me into a role I told her years ago I wasn't willing to accept, which she was fine with until just recently."
The man later added an update, noting that he had decided to get a divorce.
"This has led to a complete meltdown, but I stayed firm, packed everything up, and moved in with my brother across town," he wrote. "Talking to my lawyer, it was verified that, due to the process I went through after the birth to establish I wasn't the father, I would not have to pay child support or alimony, which is something very rare and uncommon anyway where I live. He's already working on the paperwork. No idea when it'll all happen, but once it does, I'll cut full contact."
The man wrote that he's refusing to respond to his wife's texts and calls, and he turned it over to the Reddit community for their input.
A couple commenters think the OP did nothing wrong, having made his intentions clear from the get-go. Others thought he handled everything miserably.
"You had an agreement, you supported her decision to keep the baby, you worked through her infidelity," one Redditor commented. "She wants to have her cake and eat it too."
Another observed, "She is emotionally abusing both of you for trying to use him to manipulate you. Honestly, she has had many chances and I feel she hasn't taken them. Takes advantage of you. I would consider a divorce."
Those who sided against the OP thought he was doing a lot of finger-pointing and not enough taking responsibility for his own actions.
"You read like someone who's spent way too much time justifying your bad behavior by pointing to your wife's. Either you move past the cheating or you don't. You don't get to screw up an innocent child over it," one commenter noted.
"If you want to stay with her, you need to accept that you are going to be a father to this kid and treat him like an actual child and not just a walking reminder of an affair," the person added. "If you can't do that you need to leave before you do permanent damage to this kid's psyche."
Ultimately, most decided that everyone sucks in this situation.
"Everything about this is pretty terrible," wrote one person. "Her cheating. You purposefully distancing yourself from the child, who is not yours through no fault of his own, not to mention you being the only father figure he's ever known. Dads don't need to be blood. You all sound like a–holes. Except the little one obviously, who I just feel so sorry for. Sort your s— out for his sake."
Another concluded, "You should have just divorced. This sounds like a really harmful dynamic for this kid to grow up in."
Fingers crossed the OP not only got the message that ending his relationship is the right thing to do for everyone involved, but also learns from the obvious missteps he made along the way.
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