When you get married, you're not just merging your bank accounts and book collections — you're blending your families traditions and in some cases, very different cultures. Which is why one woman wasn't sure how to tell her mother-in-law that no, she doesn't want her to put eyeliner on her babies to "ward off the evil eye." But is she being disrespectful?
To her MIL, the eyeliner has important religious and cultural connotations.
As the Original Poster (OP) explained on the Am I The A–hole forum, her MIL is from India and uses a mixture of soot and ghee to create a paste and then applies it to her twins' eyes.
The problem is, they live together.
And the OP just doesn't like it.
"I keep telling her I’m not happy with it, I don’t want foreign matter in my poor babies eyes," she wrote.
Her husband is also "vehemently" against the practice.
But he did catch his mom trying to put the mixture on their kids while the OP was at work. He "told her off" and the OP pointed out that their kids couldn't stop fussing because they had the mixture in their eyes.
But her MIL has some thoughts about what's going on too.
To her, the mom is "white washing" her husband and told the mom she was being a "disrespectful daughter-in-law but I'm just trying to protect my kids," she added.
Some people agreed with the mom -- her MIL was putting her kids' eyes at risk.
"Not The A–hole, I work in eye care and that’s an eye infection or worse waiting to happen," one person wrote.
"NTA, that sounds quite risky," someone else commented. "Even if it isn’t risky you and your husband are the parents, and you have the final say. MIL needs to respect that. That said, it will be difficult to get her to respect you while you are in her house."
"She is free to put whatever she wants on her own children's faces, but these are your babies so only your and your husband's opinion counts," a third person added.
While many more people told the OP that she needs to be more willing to understand her MIL's point of view.
"The eye liner your MIL is using is kohl / kajal," one commenter explained. "The true purpose is to protect eyes from sun-glare as the darkening around the eyes provide relief. I would compare it to football players who put black under their eyes for the same reason."
"Now if your MIL is saying is it's to ward off the evil eye, a good compromise is to put a dot using the kohl behind your child's ear, which is what most of us do (adults and children alike)," they continued.
And another person suggested kindly asking her MIL to pick out a different spot:
"If she so desperately wants to do it, and you are comfortable with it, tell her to put the dot behind your child's ear," they wrote. "It does the same thing but it's not irritating for your babies and it is less visible. Sincerely, a mix of both cultures."
"I am an Indian that was raised always wearing kanmashi in my eyes since infancy and it never caused irritation or inflammation especially if prepared at home," a third person pointed out. "While OP is NTA, I'd ask her to consider the religious significance of the process and maybe ask the MIL to do as the top comment suggests and place it in an alternative spot."
According to the Times of India, the OP does have reason to be concerned about what her MIL is putting on her kids.
"Even though a lot of families across cultures believe that the application of surma [or "ancient eye cosmetic"] is beneficial for the baby, doctors seem to disagree," the report stated. "For starters, kajal contains lead which can not only cause itching and irritation in eyes but may also lead to infections. In fact, most of the store-bought kajals are laden with lead, a metal which should not be used anywhere near your little one."
And while some parents might want to try and make the kajal at home, the report warns that "even if a kajal is made at home, it still contains carbon" and if parents (or grandparents) are applying Kajal with their hands, they need to wash their hands properly or risk spreading "infections to little one's eyes."
That doesn't mean that the OP should outright disregard her MIL's concerns about her kids being connected to their roots. The OP should consider asking her MIL if there is another way they can honor that tradition and reaffirm to her that she wants her kids to embrace their Indian heritage — with her MIL's help of course.
