When you get pregnant, everyone is going to try to give you advice. Some will be helpful and some not so much. But the problem for one mom-to-be isn't just that her mother-in-law gives her awful insights. Instead, it's how far she goes with her controlling and negative nature. For instance, when she offered to buy them a new car seat but with the caveat of wanting to wait — just in case the woman doesn't "actually have the baby." Yeesh, what a thing to say to a pregnant woman.
The Original Poster (OP) is about 29 weeks along in her pregnancy.
As she explained in a post on r/JUSTNOMIL, the baby is due in October. It should be the most exciting time for the OP and her husband. And it would be — if his stepmom could take a chill pill. To be fair, her father-in-law and his wife did offer to buy them a new car seat for their baby.
"But of course when SMIL is involved it has to all revolve around her and what SHE thinks will be best," the OP explained.
The gesture was so sweet -- but what the future grandmother said to her next was not.
"She then made a comment 'we will wait because we want to make sure you're actually having the baby.'"
"Like WHAT?! WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO SAY TO AN EXPECTANT MOTHER," the OP wrote.
It especially hurts because the OP and her husband had to go through IVF to get pregnant.
As far as she knows "our baby boy is completely healthy."
"I was so [expletive] furious! I said nothing at the time other than 'well the baby is kicking right now so I’m sure everything is fine…' and the only reason I didn't completely lose my [expletive] was for my father-in-law. I don't want to upset him," she continued in her post.
Later, the OP's husband called his father to arrange a time to pick out car seats together.
Her FIL put his phone on loudspeaker and his wife "starts talking as well." And she didn't keep her thoughts to herself.
"I think they expect that they will come shopping with us but honestly they haven't had children for close to 40 years and she is SO controlling," the OP complained. "She even tried to tell me how to dip olive oil in bread with balsamic vinegar. She's one of those older generation people who think that simply because they’re older they know better."
It's not like her MIL is the picture-perfect vision of motherhood either.
One time when the OP went over to the stepmother's house for afternoon tea, she offered her soft cheese and coffee — two major no-no's for pregnant women.
She "got weirdly offended when I told her no," the OP wrote. "I told her it was dangerous for pregnant women to have these things and she was like 'oh, I've never heard of that.'"
At this point, the OP doesn't even know if she should accept her SMIL's help.
That's especially true if they're just going to hold the gestures over the OP's head.
"She sometimes texts me to ask how I'm doing. I don't bother giving long replies. She's not really my family and we can't stand her," the OP wrote.
People chimed in with their own ideas of what the mom should do.
"So this is what you can do," one person advised. "You buy the infant car seat (that clicks in and out of your car) that you need now. Have them buy the longer term car seat (the one that stays in your car and grows with your child.) Problem solved (I hope!)"
"The children's hospital in my area sells and professionally installs car seats," another commenter pointed out. "My sister bought her first car seat from them. They only sell the most highly recommended brands and offered financial assistance for the families that might not be able to afford it. Buy one and then hand them the receipt for it."
A third person put it this way: "Just buy your own car seat. Don't ask for money. They will expect something or hold it over your head. Do not accept anything from them."
In an update she shared that she and her husband came up with a solution.
They are going to buy one with FIL's help and and then get them to pay them back.
"His dad wants us to have one from him and I'm not going to let her stop him, especially when we have so little help and are struggling," she wrote. "We have no problem putting her in her place. Thank you all for your advice!"
It can be so hard to accept help from family members who only give with strings attached — even if those strings are emotional. The OP should try and deal with her FIL and only her FIL if she and her husband are going to allow them to help them buy a car seat.
