Navigating an open adoption is hard, but there is such a fine line when trying to navigate the relationship between an adopted child and the birth parent. For one man, it's not that he doesn't want his 11-year-old daughter's birth mom to have a relationship with her — it's that she's inconsistent and has issues with substance abuse that influenced him to tell the mom to stay away.
Their adopted daughter "Mimi" has been with the Original Poster (OP) since she was 5.
At the time, he and his ex-husband were raising Mimi as a foster daughter, he explained in a post on Reddit. When Mimi was 7, they adopted her, and although he and his husband later split up, they have 50/50 custody of Mimi and "typically coparent very amicably."
Mimi's birth mom actually lives close to the OP.
But admittedly, her birth mom has had a consistent issue with addiction.
"When we first adopted Mimi, we were very supportive of 'Kelsey' having supervised visitation, and we made an effort to invite her to all of Mimi's big events, as Mimi very much loved her birthmother and wanted Kelsey in her life," the OP explained.
The birth mom "has proven time and time again" that she doesn't care enough about Mimi to show up or will arrive high or angry or will pass out.
Each time she fails to be there for Mimi, it devastates the girl. Two years ago, Kelsey disappeared, and "Mimi slowly stopped asking about her, and it felt like our lives could move on," he wrote.
That was until last week when Kelsey's boyfriend reached out to arrange a visit between mother and daughter.
"I told him I would only allow it if Kelsey contacted me personally and we could set up an official supervised visitation schedule through Mimi's caseworker," the dad continued.
But Kelsey wasn't thrilled with his answer.
"Kelsey messaged me on Facebook to call me a controlling bitch who 'stole' her daughter, told me I'm a racist piece of shit (Mimi is not the same race as I am) and that I'm depriving Mimi of knowing about her racial roots (not true). I blocked her and told my Ex to block her as well and not entertain her," he continued.
The OP's ex thinks he's being too harsh on Kelsey.
"And that I AM depriving Mimi of a link to her ethnicity and her birth family. I view it as protecting Mimi from an unstable woman," he explained.
"I have not told Mimi [about her mother reaching out] and my Ex wouldn't involve Mimi, she's too young," he wrote. Now he wonders if he's wrong about things.
Many people in the comments agreed there was nothing wrong with letting his inner papa bear out.
"I don't get what your Ex's beef is," one person told him. "You didn't [say] she couldn't see her, just that you need to hear from her, herself and she needs to go through the proper official channels. All of that is a *good* thing."
"Protecting Mimi from further trauma is the most important thing. She can connect with her ethnicity through healthier relationships," someone else advised.
A third person agreed. "NTA this girl has already been through so much in her short life, of course you would want to protect her. You presented a solution to her BM and she attacked you for it. You're doing what's best for your daughter."
A few people advised the OP to keep the door open with Kelsey in case Mimi wants to have a relationship with her later.
"NTA but you probably should unblock her and try to have a real conversation with her," one person wrote. "Explain to her that her actions isn't very healthy for Mimi & she needs to calm down and get her act together before she can see her. You don't want Mimi to grow up, reconnect with mom then mom tells her you blocked her years ago. That would lead to mimi resenting you for keeping her from her birth family.
"NTA, but have you talked to your daughter about this at all?" someone else wondered. "She is a minor but if she wants to see her birth mother you should let her. Especially if it is supervised."
Another person thought the dad's ex had a point, writing this:
"You're not an [expletive], because I know you mean well, but everything your ex said is true. It's wrong and harmful to keep Mimi from her roots, her ethnicity, her birth family. Harm reduction isn't easy. But for Mimi, the effort is worth it. She's old enough to understand that sometimes people aren't dependable, and they have flaws, but that doesn't mean they don't love and care about you. It means they've made bad choices."
In an update to his post, the OP shared that things did not get any better when his ex got involved.
He allowed his ex to handle things because "he was against blocking her out," he wrote in his post.
And to his ex, Kelsey seemed like she'd really "reformed from her old ways."
"After asking my ex if we could work out a schedule where she had supervised visits, and then one day could have unsupervised visits, she dropped a bomb that exploded her chances of ever being able to see Mimi again," he continued.
"She told my ex that I was a f—ot. To my ex HUSBAND," he wrote. "Said she preferred talking and dealing with him, because he divorced me and married a woman."
Homophobia is another thing they're not prepared to tolerate.
It was an unanimous decision between all of the parents that Kelsey shouldn't be hanging out Mimi. The dad even worked with a therapist to go over the situation with Mimi so she would know what happened and have support.
"Mimi was disappointed to hear what had happened, but not surprised. My heart breaks for my daughter, I wish none of this had happened. But I'm astounded by her maturity and resilience," he shared.
They've also decided to give the OP's ex more custody time of Mimi "as she was interested in expanding the time she spent with her step mother who is the same race as Mimi."
Although the situation must still be hard all around, the OP thought that Kelsey "made the choice easier by dropping a slur and showing her true colors."
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