One of the biggest nightmares for parents is the thought of their child dying before they do. It is an unfortunate reality for some parents, and the grief of losing a child is like no other. It can feel impossible to breathe at times, and taking life moment by moment is how to survive for the first little while. Having comfort items helps, and leaning on those during the heavy bouts of grief is one of the biggest ways parents can cope.
For one mom, having her son's ashes nearby was a comfort, but she was devastated by something that happened.
A mom (OP) took to Reddit to ask for opinions and support on an argument she and her estranged husband had, sharing a little back story first.
"My 6 year old son passed away from leukemia eight months ago, his death broke me both physically and emotionally," she shared. "The pain I felt before and after he passed is absolutely horrible. He was suffering though he always had this beautiful cheering smile that'd tell me it's all good."
According to the OP, the relationship with her husband wasn't great at the time and they were technically separated. "My relationship with my husband wasn't well, we were sep[a]rated without getting divorce because we needed to focus on our son's health, it was the [only] thing that mattered then," she wrote.
After their son died, it was hard for the parents to come to an agreement on the rituals they wanted to do for their son.
"My husband wanted to have a burial and a grave he could visit, but he eventually agreed to cremation," the OP wrote. "We been keeping his ashes in an urn in our house, I started planning on getting an initial cremation necklace to keep with me all the time and to feel [him] near me," she continued.
Her husband wasn't comfortable with her desire to make a necklace from their son's ashes. "My husband gave me a hard no, he said he wanted to either keep the urn as it is or have the ashes scattered in a location that he considers special," she explained.
"We argued for weeks about this and we didn't seem to come to an agreement, I was running out of time, I've already arranged for a rent and I scheduled for moving to another town 6 hours away from our home," the OP wrote.
So, they took time off from discussing what to do with their son's ashes, or at least that's what OP thought.
OP was getting ready to move, but something happened right before then. "The day before I left, early in the morning, At around 7am my husband wasn't home." She thought it was very unusual for him to be out that early "since he stopped going to work and won't go out much," she explained.
"I walked into my son's room where we were keeping the urn and I found that it was gone. I freaked out and looked all over the house though I knew exactly where it was but thought my husband moved it to another [sic] room," she continued.
"I called his phone but it was turned off, in about ten minutes, he came home, I asked him where he took the urn," the OP remembered.
According to the OP, her estranged husband took the ashes of their son and scattered them.
"He said he went for a walk and scattered our sons ashes near the woodline in the area, he thought since i was going to leave, me having our son's ashes in a necklace that I'll take with me felt like i was taking his son away," she wrote.
"He said that he could visit that area and be with his son everyday, he's not planning on moving and decided he was gonna spend the rest of his life near his son," she wrote.
"I was enraged I started crying, I yelled at him and told him what he did was awful and selfish, he tried to blame me but I told him I offered to make him something that he could keep and to remember our son with but he got agitated and said he wouldn't allow it," she continued.
"I hated him and felt so betrayed by this. I couldn't even look at his face. I left but I still haven't left town, I'm so angry and I can't accept his reasoning for this awful behavior."
The grieving mom asked Reddit to weigh in on if she was wrong in this situation, and the answers were quite interesting.
"NTA what the f—k. There was a perfect opportunity to meet in the middle, put some ashes in a necklace and scatter the rest," one Reddit user wrote. "This is genuinely one of the most spiteful things I've heard of someone doing short of murder."
"This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but here goes," another person wrote. "First, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is horrible and you have my deepest sympathy. But he wasn't just your son. And you are not the only one grieving for the loss of their child."
The person went on to share that her husband agreed to cremation though he didn't want it. "And it sounds like you were expecting to get your way, regarding getting your sons ashes in a necklace. Even though your husband was extremely against it," the person added.
Continuing, the Redditor wrote, "Your son was equally yours and your husbands. You may not love you husband, but your son did. And while it is horrible that [he] scattered your sons remains without including you or even telling you (and against your wishes), it would be equally horrible for you to take out some of your sons ashes in a necklace, when your husband is so against that."
Everyone is awful here, another person commented. "'He agreed to a cremation' are you sure about that? Sounds like you weren't listening to him and his wishes and the only way he would have a say was by just doing it. It was 100% your way or nothing, you both should have compromised." The person added, "He’s obviously the AH for taking the ashes, but both of you are just thinking about yourself."
"ESH," agreed another Reddit user. "He should have let you have ashes for a necklace, you should have left him the remaining ashes in the urn (especially since you can be cremated and the urn interred on a graveyard."
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