My Kid’s Cellphone Actually Made Me a Better Mom

When it came to kids and technology, my husband and I generally took the position that less was more. We publicly declared that “the last kid to get a cellphone wins” while somewhat judging the parents whose 5-year-olds already knew the passcode to their iPhones.

The kids got to share an old iPad but that came with strict time and content limits. We resisted even getting the basic video game system in spite of years of the kids begging for one (we got one just before the pandemic hit and have zero regrets about that now!). Like a lot of parents, when we thought about kids and technology, we really zeroed in on the worst-case scenarios with kids and screens.

So, imagine my surprise when it turned out that finally getting my son a cellphone helped me become a better parent!

We were not excited about getting my son a cellphone.

Our plan had always been to wait until he was in high school before getting him a phone, even though it seemed like his friends started carrying phones around once they hit late elementary school. We made it through elementary school but middle school presented a new set of challenges as it seemed that everyone, including the school, assumed that all kids had phones. My son was literally the only kid on the school soccer team without a phone, something that became clear the day he showed up for a rainy day practice that had been cancelled by text message. He ended up walking home over a mile in the pouring rain because he had no way to call us. As he sat shivering in his wet soccer uniform, we grudgingly decided it was time for a phone of his own.

The phone came with major strings attached.

Once we’d bought our son his phone, we knew we wanted to make sure he was equipped to safely use it and to not let it take over his life. We installed parental monitoring apps, we set it up to block mature content and most social media apps, and we started drawing up a list of expectations, a contract he'd have to sign to get the phone.

That list grew and grew until it was over three pages. We covered everything from grades (people with C’s might get degrees, but they don’t get to use their phone) to the fact that phone gets left on the charger in the living room at night and never goes to bed with him to how to avoid data overages and viruses. It turned out, however, more of the contract ended up being about what kind of person we want him to be and getting the phone was opening the door for us to have some really deep conversations.

Our list of phone “rules” ended up changing "the talk" forever.

When we started going over the phone expectations, we ended up having really candid conversations with our son that went far beyond the kind of content we’d covered when we’d had “the talk” (or, really, the series of “the talks” we’d had over the years).

When we explained to him why we blocked certain sites, we ended up talking about pornography and how early exposure can be harmful to kids. We ended up diving even deeper and talking about the ethics of sex work and our hopes that he’ll have a great sex life someday. When we talked about texting and sexting, we got a chance to be really explicit about consent, coercion, and how once you send a picture or a message, you lose control of it forever.

Again, we got to dive even deeper into how to be an ethical partner and friend and made sure he knew that consent is a two-way street and how to respond if he got unwanted sexts or pictures someday.

His phone helped all of us communicate better.

Beyond prompting a series of really important talks about becoming a sexual being, giving my son a phone also helped give us an earlier start to other conversations that will be important when he goes into high school and beyond.

We talked how to text us if he’s in a situation he needs to get out of, like if there are people drinking or making choices that don’t feel safe. He’s now heard how to avoid being a bully, why social media images are often fake and make people feel bad about themselves, and why TikTok challenges can be stupid or possibly criminal.

He also knows that we can and will check his phone to make sure he’s making smart choices and, most importantly, that we understand that he’ll be tempted at some point to do something stupid with his phone and that we’ll be here for him to help him fix it and learn from it when and if he does.

When it comes to raising good humans, nothing is more important than sharing the “why” of parent rules and expectations.

Ultimately, I think the conversations that came with giving our son a phone were so powerful because they reminded me to be explicit about the “why.” I didn’t just say “don’t look at porn on your phone,” instead we talked about why porn exists, why kids are curious about it, how it is different than real sex, and how he’ll be a better sexual partner if he doesn’t watch porn as a kid.

He knows our rules but more importantly, he knows our values and how they connect to his sense of the kind of adult he wants to be. That is powerful stuff! Plus, now sometimes he texts me just to say he loves me, so that is definitely a mark in favor of technology!

It turns out our kid wasn’t the last one to get a cellphone, but I’m still going to call it a win for him and my parenting.