Parenting a strong-willed child is a journey filled with unexpected twists and turns, where every day may feel like a test of patience and resilience. These determined young souls possess an unshakable spirit that often leads to power struggles and defiance, leaving us parents to wonder if cooperation is an unattainable illusion. The constant clash of wills can be exasperating.
However, there is hope on the horizon once we stop use the traditional discipline methods that we thought were supposed to work, but are indeed ineffective and counterproductive to getting our strong-willed children to actually want to cooperate.
Keep reading to find out why traditional discipline strategies often fall short, straight from Reem Raouda, a certified conscious parenting coach, and founder of The Connected Discipline Method.
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What Doesn't Work
Many traditional methods simply won't work with a strong-willed child. They may even make the problem worse.
Punishment
Punishing a strong-willed child only escalates defiance and rebellion. These children have a natural aversion to being controlled, and when they perceive punishment as an attempt to control them, it triggers their resistance. This leads to a never-ending cycle of punishment and defiance.
Punishment makes our children feel worse about themselves, which makes them act worse. And warning: If you think your young child is challenging now, repeatedly punishing them will help turn them into an even more defiant adolescent.
Timeouts
As parents, we often think that timeouts are moments our children use to reflect on their behavior and come up with ways to do things differently the next time. This couldn’t be further from the truth. For a strong-willed child, a timeout is seen as a way of pitting our authority against them, only causing more hostility and anger, which in turn creates more misbehavior.
It also triggers our children’s fear of abandonment, which is destructive to their ability to self-regulate. Sending them to a “naughty corner” by themselves with their most difficult feelings gives them the message that in this moment, they are unlovable and unacceptable.
Bribes & Rewards
Threats and offering rewards come very easy in the heat of a tantrum when we parents feel helpless.
But our strong-willed children are smarter than that. They see through the manipulation and our attempt at control, which triggers their inclination to assert even more independence.
Research studies demonstrate that when children are rewarded or bribed for good behavior, their intrinsic motivation to do well goes down. Plus, the reward implies that whatever we want them to do must be unpleasant, making it less likely that they will do it without the prize attached. Again, that means less cooperation!
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What Does Work?
Understanding a strong-willed child’s temperament and knowing that it’s all in our approach is key to gaining their cooperation. Here are some alternative ways that can help you connect with and guide your child way more effectively.
Respect Their Autonomy
Strong-willed children thrive when they feel respected and valued. Encourage their autonomy by involving them in decision-making. When appropriate, let them make choices, whether it’s about their clothes, meal preferences, or daily routines.
This empowers them and reduces their resistance to being controlled. Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect. When we offer it to them, they don’t need to aggressively protect their position.
Listen Actively
Listening is crucial in connecting with your strong-willed child. Take the time to actively listen to their thoughts and feelings, even if you disagree. This validates their emotions and helps them feel understood. When children feel heard, they are more likely to reciprocate by listening to you. That means putting ourselves in their shoes, not just hearing their words.
“To be a great parent is more a function of listening than of explaining,” says Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting. When a strong-willed child feels listened to, it disarms them.
Set Limits Empathetically
Start all discipline by reaffirming the connection with your child. Connection before correction, always. When we prioritize the relationship before the redirection, our strong-willed children are far more likely to cooperate.
That means getting on their side rather than on their backs. For example: “I know you really love this show and could watch it for hours, it’s so good! But we must turn the TV off soon, OK?”
If there is still resistance, offer a choice. “Do you want to watch one longer episode or two short ones before we turn it off?”
Sitting next to your child and cuddling for the last few minutes of TV time will also bring their defenses down.
Show Trust
Strong-willed children want mastery more than anything. Allowing them to take charge of as many age-appropriate activities as possible bolsters their self-esteem and confidence. Feeling trusted empowers them and creates a feeling of responsibility and accountability.
When they see themselves as capable decision makers, they are more willing to engage in cooperative behavior out of a sense of duty. This means taking a step back as parents (while keeping a watchful eye) and making room for our children to feel capable and important.
Go Deeper Than the Behavior
There is always an underlying need or motivation behind our children’s “acting out.” Getting curious about the root cause of the challenging behavior, whether it be a cry for more attention, a need for more control, or a struggle to communicate their emotions, is the only effective and constructive way to improve it.
Instead of reacting solely on the behavior itself, when we dig deeper with empathy, we help our strong-willed children develop healthy coping mechanisms and problem-solving skills.
This approach nurtures a positive and healthy relationship, and that relationship is the motivation behind our children wanting to cooperate.
Reem Raouda is a certified conscious parenting coach, and founder of The Connected Discipline Method, a coaching program for parents of strong-willed children.
