Having kids comes along with a huge learning curve. It is the ultimate learn-on-the-job position. The only way to even begin to figure it out is by rolling with it and learning as you go. The only issue with that is that things change so fast.
When they are little, they move in and out of stages so quickly, and it can make your head spin trying to keep up. Each stage brings new challenges, and one of the hardest throughout it all for me has been figuring out the correct way to discipline.
Many parents draw punishment inspiration from their own childhood, whether you are in favor of how you were disciplined or whether you want to go completely another direction.
But when you are actually in the thick of it, you can lose your convictions quickly in the heat of the moment. Your kids can push your buttons like no one else can. It is hard not to get frustrated. Dealing with kids who do not listen and hurt each other can be so frustrating. Figuring out the correct punishment is hard, and there is so much conflicting information about how to discipline kids. When my kids misbehave, I know I struggle with figuring out the right way to get through to them.
What I've learned is, it is important to pick your battles and stick to them, but it can be hard to figure out the best way to discipline certain things.
And it is a problem that evolved over time. How do you find the best punishment to fit the crime?
When they are little, tantrums will actually run rampant if you attempt to punish them. Tantrums show up for things that you think should not matter. Calming down a child during a tantrum is a tricky thing, for both parent and child. Remembering that they aren’t in control of their emotions helps, but there are certain things that you still need to take action on.
Hitting, for example, is something that needs immediate correction even if it is part of a tantrum. To handle this I either physically stop him from hitting or take away the thing he's using to hit. He's old enough that he can understand it when I tell him that it's not OK to hit. I feel like this is when disciplining is almost "easiest" because I know what to do.
If he's deep into a tantrum, I sometimes struggle with how to best calm him down. If my emotions are already heightened, I'll step away for a minute to calm myself down first to deescalate the situation. I will then hug him to help him calm down.
As soon as tantrums fade, I feel like the real work of disciplining begins.
I've done my best to figure out what will motivate them into better behavior.
My youngest cares more about getting things taken away than my 5-year-old does. I struggle with finding the thing that she cares about enough for it to make an impact when I take it away. I now use timeouts for both of them, but that usually just makes the 2-year-old tantrum more.
It is really frustrating to find effective punishments. I feel like it is so difficult to get through to them.
Disciplining for me is hard, too, because my husband and I disagree on punishment methods.
It is essential to work together so your kids understand what will happen when they misbehave. We are on different pages here because we were brought up differently, and there is conflicting information on how to handle it best. In general, my way is the more socially accepted way since it involves timeouts and removal of privileges. My husband and I are working together to find a solution, but mostly we agree to disagree. He tends to follow my lead, though, since I am so against what he wants to do.
No matter what, punishing kids sucks.
Taking away screen time can make the life of a parent harder, too. Sometimes letting the kids watch a show helps them decompress. Or you need the time to clean up something or take a shower quickly while they watch a show.
I now tend to keep screen time and punishment separate. I used to take TV away, but it did not help me the way I thought it would. It seems to be more effective to explain to them why something is wrong and talk about how they would feel if someone did the same thing to them.
It feels like a frustrating, never-ending cycle.
Once I figure it out, they grow into the next stage. Trying to keep up with the right way to do it — so they care enough and don’t do something again — is difficult. I’m still learning on the job and don't have all the answers.
I want them to be kind. I know that I’ll never be perfect, but I will keep trying to bring up kids who aren’t just jerks.
