Each of your kids has different needs than the others. Some need quality one-on-one time, others need a lot of praise and attention, but one parent seems absolutely burned out on her 5-year-old son’s constant need to be hugged, and now she’s written into Slate's Care and Feeding advice column looking for a little advice on how to get the “hug monster” to stop.
The letter writer started her post off with a question.
“Does it seem odd to you that my otherwise typically developing 5-year-old climbs up on my lap and demands hugs from me constantly throughout the day?” she asked.
For instance, the LW will be sitting at the table eating or working at her computer and “he’ll wiggle himself in to cuddle, or we’ll be walking the dog around the block and he’ll yell ‘hug’ at least five times and start hugging me while we’re walking,” she wrote.
Her husband told her just to tell the boy "no more hugs."
Or told her to use the hugs as rewards. But the LW doesn’t want to withhold affection, so she ends up giving in.
“I will give him the hugs he asks for, but it’s excessive and gets annoying,” she wrote. “Ten hugs at bedtime and tears if I’m in the other room and he doesn’t get a hug quick enough doesn’t seem normal. I tell him I love him, that I’m not going anywhere, and that this is too many hugs, but it doesn’t seem to help. I really don’t know what to do.”
“Please help.”
Many people agreed: the LW needs to set boundaries.
"You are not withholding affection or love by limiting hugs," pointed out one commenter. "You have agency over your body and it's ok to say no. This is something good to model for your child, too. Is this behavior an attempt to control you?"
"My son was very huggy and affectionate but nothing like LW's kid," another commenter admitted. "It doesn't seem normal to me. That would have driven me bonkers. Limits are necessary here. Limiting hugs to one instead of 10 is not 'withholding affection.' Mom has her own needs, and she can't live her own life if she has to stop work or cooking or talking on the phone every ten seconds to act as official hug dispenser."
A third commenter agreed: "Honestly, this would work my nerves after a while. I think setting some limits might not be a bad idea."
Others thought the LW needed to keep the hugs flowing.
"Hugs: enjoy it while it lasts," wrote one commenter. "Teach the kid about consent. And don't worry about this non-problem."
"If my kid wants a hug at an inappropriate time I just gently say something like 'Not right now bud, give me a minute' and then I hug him when I get a chance," someone else suggested. "It doesn't have to be a big thing."
"The general wisdom is that children never ask for more attention than they need," someone else shared. "And 'need' has to be taken literally. Consider the paradox of 'Separation Anxiety Disorder.' Kids who qualify for that diagnosis are not so clingy because they feel 'securely attached' to their parent, but because of the opposite: They feel the relationship is precarious, and any little move on the parent's part — such as taking a phone call — can make the precariously attached child feel abandoned. A kid who needs inordinate hugs may really need super assurance."
Columnist Jamilah Lemieux thought the LW should keep a close eye on her son.
"Physical touch might be your son’s primary way of expressing affection," she wrote in her response. "It could also be that he craves closeness to you at times where he feels anxious, insecure, or some other way that would have him seeking comfort."
She asked if there was a pattern to when her son needed his hugs — was it when something scary happened? "Is he actively engaged in an activity when he’s interrupting you at the computer, or is he bored during solo play time?" she wondered.
"Pay attention to exactly when he’s looking for hugs and note if there might be any evidence to suggest he’s using them to cope, or to feel affirmed," she added. "If it seems there’s something to that, then explore other ways to make him feel safe and comfortable: verbal affirmations, checking in on his feelings, or making adjustments to some of your routines, if needed."
But if this is a case where the LW's son just really loves hugs, "then why not just give them to him?" she asked.
"It just seems to me like if anyone should have unlimited access to hugs, it’s a 5-year-old," she wrote.
If it really keeps grating on the LW, she could try introducing other forms of physical affection like butterfly kisses, high fives, or "squeezing someone’s hand three times to signal 'I love you' (Jimmy Fallon and his mother used this way of communicating until she passed; my daughter and I adopted it and have used it for years)," she wrote.
"However, it’s likely that nothing will please your hug-seeking child like a hug," she added. "Create boundaries as needed — when you have to work, when you’re sick — but don’t cut the hugs all together."
