Lots of pregnant women have baby showers. It's the norm in many cultures as a way to show a mom how excited we are for her and her future little bundle of joy. Anyone can be invited to a baby shower. The more the merrier, right? But what if the mom-to-be is excluded from the guest list? Surely that can't be a thing, can it?
A 31-year-old woman and her 30-year-old boyfriend welcomed their first child together in September. It was an exciting time, but the events leading up to the baby's birth were a bit unconventional. The original poster's boyfriend was less than attentive during the pregnancy, and then his family threw a baby shower for him and decided not to invite her. She's still hurt and angry about the situation. OP posted in Reddit's AITA Forum to ask if her feelings are valid or if she should let it go.
The couple wasn't living together before the baby was born.
Before the baby was born, OP lived with her 6-year-old daughter and her boyfriend lived with his parents. Prior to the baby's arrival, OP's boyfriend's aunt decided to throw a baby shower for him, but the expectant mother wasn't invited.
"She said it would be a male's version of a baby shower. Men only, but that was a lie. She invited his mother, her daughter (his cousin) and herself of course. She said I wasn't allowed to come. If it were 'men only' baby shower, then why were those women there," OP asked on Reddit.
OP understands the men-only excuse for something like a bachelor party but not a baby shower.
OP's boyfriend didn't stand up for her.
Clearly, she was hurt that she wasn't invited and that the family essentially lied to her. She confronted her boyfriend, and he wasn't much help.
"I was carrying the baby and I wasn't allowed to be there. All my boyfriend said to me that 'It was out of his control' she explained. "I feel like he should've stood up for me and said that it didn't sound fair, that it should be a baby shower for the both of us. Every baby shower I had been to always had both parents."
OP was on her own most of the pregnancy.
Unfortunately, OP's boyfriend wasn't much of a support system during her pregnancy either. He only went to two of her doctor's appointments, and even then, he spent most of the time on the phone with his mom. When they had their gender reveal on OP's birthday, he left the appointment early to hang out with his mother.
"Also, he wasn't there much for me during the pregnancy when I was throwing up or needed help lifting something. I had to do it mostly by myself. Again, we are together," she wrote. "Maybe this would make sense if we weren't together."
He assures her that the baby shower wasn't out of spite.
Despite her feelings, OP shared that her boyfriend swears the shower wasn't held out of spite. She isn't buying it. He claimed it was intended to be only men, except for his mother, aunt, and cousin. "Yet, I'm the mother."
Is her frustration justified, or is she just being ungrateful?
First, Reddit wants to talk about the whole mother/son dynamic.
The comment section is loaded with people who don't understand the relationship between OP's boyfriend and his mom.
"NTA, and big yikes. I wish you weren't linked to this man for the rest of your life, because he's married to his mom, and you're the other woman," one person pointed out.
"That was my thought," someone else wrote. "He is treating her like a surrogate for his mother."
If OP wasn't invited to the shower, then her boyfriend and his mom have a lot of work to do.
"Yeah that shower was for OP's boyfriend and his mom. They need to feather their nest and get the nursery ready for their baby," someone else commented.
Some are worried that there are some huge issues at play.
Redditors want OP to see that she may not be who she thinks she is to him.
"His family is his heart, not you. You need to start working with legal authorities/attorney to get some child support paperwork in order and make sure you get legal custody," one person commented. "I can see his Mommy pushing him for custody so she can be MOMMY to this baby, not you. Your 6 yr old is watching this unfold, learning from you what a true relationship is; Do Better. Set Better Examples for your child."
"I would not be surpised at all if op was a side piece for this dude all along and he really has a real relationship with another woman," someone else suggested.
People don't get why OP was excluded in the first place.
Men-only shower? OK, if it's actually men only. But if you invite other women but not the mom-to-be, it's just weird.
"I know of "daddy showers" (my husband attended one years ago) where all the guests are men and they bring gifts for the father-to-be and the baby, but as far as I know, those are organized by another man (in the case of my husband's friend, it was his brother who came up with the whole thing) and it's mostly a tongue-in-cheek way of contrasting with traditional baby showers that are usually "feminine" in aesthetics (and on a more serious note they are about providing support for the dad, who is often invisible during pregnancy and newborn stages), there is no ill will towards the baby's mother nor is she 'forbidden' to attend," a mom commented.
Someone else questioned why the baby — who is quite literally inside OP's body — wasn't present at the shower.
"Let's have a baby shower without the baby!" the person wrote. "That works only if it's an adoption. IMO of course."
Sounds like OP isn't getting proper support.
OP's boyfriend is supposed to be helping her and playing a part in the baby's life, but Redditors don't feel like he is doing that.
"Your boyfriend……sucks. If you're doing all that for your child with NO support from the father….then is he really a father??" someone questioned.
"Your bigger questions are what will you do with an uninvolved baby daddy and how will you set boundaries with his family," another person commented. "Make sure your doctor knows who you want present for the birth and who is not allowed. Consider someone who isn't your partner if you feel you will not get support. Make sure you are communicating your expectations for his involvement ahead of time."
Another person warned that it may be too late to fix this relationship.
"You may want to talk to your parents, extended family, close friends and make an exit plan, of a place to recover from the birth from," the person suggested. "You also may want to look into family lawyers, if you and he split you want to have it down custody, child support and visitation set up."
OP, you are not in the wrong.
OP's feelings are perfectly valid, and she deserves to have support and love from her partner. He needs to set proper boundaries with his family and respect her wishes. If they can open those lines of communication and work toward a common goal, there might be a chance for happily ever after.
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