Making mom friends can be tricky. It’s a little like dating. When should I ask her for her number? Do I wait three days before texting her? Should I look her up on Facebook in case she’s just in it for her multi-level marketing)?
Over the years, I’ve learned that the best way to make genuine mom friends is to be as authentic as possible. I ask for her number immediately if I feel we’re clicking. I don’t want to miss out on a potential connection, so I text her as soon as I feel like it.
As for social media, I don’t stalk her because I’d rather not have preconceived notions about who she is. The life she portrays on Facebook and Instagram can be drastically different than the life she actually has. Plus, I don’t want to invest too much time and energy into a friendship that may not go anywhere.
Wow … it really is a lot like dating.
Recently, I took the kids to the park, and while I was watching them play, another mom sat down beside me.
Her kids were around the same age as mine. As we’re chatting, I go through my vibe check. She’s got a messy hair bun … check! She’s wearing leggings … check! Bonus points for the stain on her shirt. She used hand sanitizer … check! She didn’t hide her tiredness with a pound of makeup … check! She cursed under her breath in front of her kids … double check!
Then we vent about how hard motherhood is.
I start. “How come the basket of clean laundry sitting at the bottom of the stairs seems to be invisible to everyone but me?”
She adds, “And the whining. Mom this! Mom that! You tell me to get your socks so I go get them … but then you’re mad because I didn’t look at your drawing."
Then I say, “And of course, everyone tells you to enjoy the moment because they grow up too fast. But the last I checked, it’s 10 o’clock in the morning and I’ve been up for the past five years. Oh, I meant five hours.”
We share a laugh. She then says, “Totally! That’s why we have our wine cabinets fully stocked. Am I right?”
I smile and remind myself to be authentic to who I am. I casually respond, “Yeah, well, I don’t drink but I do enjoy a cup of tea when I’m stressing.”
Her face changes. “Seriously? Tea? Eww! What do you mean you don’t drink? Like not at all?”
I respond, “Yeah, no. I get an allergic reaction. My chest breaks out in hives and my face turns beet red. Plus, I never liked the taste.”
She sneers and rolls her eyes. “Well you just haven’t tried the right type of wine. It helps you relax and wind down at the end of the day.”
There’s an awkward silence.
She looks away at her kids. I feel like a fish out of water. I turn my body toward the playground.
The next thing I know, she checks her phone and mutters under her breath, “It was nice to meet you. We’ve gotta get going. The younger one has a dentist appointment.”
She gets up and starts herding her kids to the car. Before I could say anything, she’s gone. I guess I didn’t pass her vibe check.
As I’m packing up and getting ready to leave, I ruminate about what just happened.
I’m feeling a bit upset and disappointed with myself because I thought we were hitting it off.
She seemed like such a cool person. It’s so hard to find mom friends who are willing to tell it like it is within the first few minutes of meeting each other. I start to kick myself for ruining a potential friendship.
Should I have pretended to be a drinker?
Did she think I was judging her? And that I’m putting myself on a pedestal because I don’t? That I think I’m better than her because I don’t need “mommy juice?"
If I had just gone along with her comment about wine cabinets, would she have wanted to be my friend?
If we ended up exchanging contact information, would we have gotten to know each other enough for her to understand my truth?
But just like those days when I was dating, I lick my wounds and realize I’m glad I stuck to my guns and was honest with her.
From “Wine mom” T-shirts, “Mommy juice” wine glasses, and the “Mama needs her wine” posts that inundate our social media feeds, drinking has been normalized as a way to deal with the stresses of motherhood.
It’s not the best and only way, however. And studies have shown that wine mom culture is actually masking a real, ongoing issue for mothers who are struggling with anxiety and depression.
What if I was battling alcoholism and trying to stay sober but didn’t want to admit it to a stranger?
I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who cannot empathize with those who struggle with mental illness and addiction.
Although I don’t drink, it doesn’t mean motherhood has been a walk in the park for me. I still need to de-stress from the mess, lack of sleep, and the overwhelming exhaustion.
I have other ways to cope that work for me such as writing, practicing yoga, taking walks, and enjoying a cup of green tea. And I’m grateful that mom was honest with me because it gives me the confidence to find friends who appreciate me just as I am.
